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"So when can I see you?" Jack asked.
I felt a warm trickle of relief. I was never sure what was going to happen next with us. It seemed possible to me that someday Jack wouldn't call at all.
"I'll be in Bartley all the week before Christmas," I said. "I was pla
"Miss having Christmas at home?" I could feel Jack's surprise echoing over the telephone line.
"I will be home—here—for Christmas," I said sharply. "What about you?"
"I don't have any plans. My brother and his wife asked me, but they didn't sound real sincere, if you know what I mean." Jack's parents had both died within the past four years.
"You want to come here?" My face tensed with anxiety as I waited to hear his answer.
"Sure," he said, and his voice was so gentle I knew he could tell how much it had cost me to ask. "Will you put up mistletoe? Everywhere?"
"Maybe," I said, trying not to sound as relieved as I was, or as happy as I felt. I bit my lip, suppressing a lot of things. "Do you want have a real Christmas di
"Turkey?" he said hopefully. "Cornbread dressing?"
"I can do that."
"Cranberry sauce?"
"I can do that."
"English peas?"
"Spinach Madeleine," I countered.
"Sounds good. What can I bring?"
"Wine." I seldom drank alcohol, but I thought with Jack around a drink or two might be all right.
"OK. If you think of anything else, give me a call. I've got some work to finish up here within the next week, then I have a meeting about a job I might take on. So I may not get down there until Christmas."
"Actually, I have a lot to do right now, too. Everyone's trying to get extra cleaning done, giving Christmas parties, putting up trees in their offices."
It was just over three weeks until Christmas. That was a long time to spend without seeing Jack. Even though I knew I was going to be working hard the entire period, since I counted going home to the wedding as a sort of subcategory of work, I felt a sharp pang at the thought of three weeks' separation.
"That seems like a long time," he said suddenly.
"Yes."
Having admitted that, both of us backed hastily away.
"Well, I'll be calling you," Jack said briskly.
He'd be sprawled on the couch in his apartment in Little Rock as he talked on the phone. His thick dark hair would be pulled back in a ponytail. The cold weather would have made the scar on his face stand out, thin and white, a little puckered where it began at the hairline close to his right eye. If Jack had met with a client today, he'd be wearing nice slacks and a sports coat, wing tips, a dress shirt, and a tie. If he'd been working surveillance, or doing the computer work that increasingly formed the bulk of a private detective's routine, he'd be in jeans and a sweater.
"What are you wearing?" I asked suddenly.
"I thought I was supposed to ask you that." He sounded amused, again.
I kept a stubborn silence.
"Oh, OK. I'm wearing—you want me to start with the bottom or the top?—Reeboks, white athletic socks, navy blue sweatpants, Jockeys, and a Marvel Gym T-shirt. I just got home from working out."
"Dress up at Christmas."
"A suit?"
"Oh, maybe you don't have to go that far. But nice."
"OK," he said cautiously.
Christmas this year was on a Friday. I had only two Saturday clients at the moment, and neither of them would be open the day after Christmas. Maybe I could get them done on Christmas morning, before Jack got here.
"Bring clothes for two days," I said. "We can have Friday afternoon and Saturday and Sunday." I suddenly realized I'd assumed, and I took a sharp breath. "That is, if you can stay that long. If you want to."
"Oh, yes," he said. His voice sounded rougher, darker. "Yes, I want to."
"Are you smiling?"
"You could say so," he affirmed. "All over."
I smiled a little myself. "OK, see you then."
"Where'd you say your family was? Bartley, right? I was talking to a friend of mine about that a couple of nights ago."
It felt strange to know he had talked about me. "Yes, Bartley. It's in the Delta, a little north and a lot east of Little Rock."
"Hmmm. It'll be OK, seeing your family. You can tell me all about it."
"OK." That did sound good, realizing I could talk about it afterward, that I wouldn't come home to silence and emptiness, drag through days and days rehashing the tensions in my family.
Instead of saying this to Jack, I said, "Good-bye."
I heard him respond as I laid the receiver down. We always had a hard time ending conversations.
There are two towns in Arkansas named Montrose. The next day, I drove to the one that had shopping.
Since I no longer worked for the Winthrops, I had more free time on my hands than I could afford: That was the only reason I'd listened when Carlton had proposed the Christmas parade appearance. Until more people opted for my services, I had just about two free mornings a week. This free morning, I'd gone to Body Time for my workout (it was triceps day), come home to shower and dress, and stopped by the office of the little Shakespeare paper to place an ad in the classifieds ("Give your wife her secret Christmas wish—a maid").
And now here I was, involuntarily listening—once again—to taped Christmas carols, surrounded by people who were shopping with some air of excitement and anticipation. I was about to do what I like least to do: spend money when I had little coming in, and spend that money on clothing.
In what I thought of as my previous life, the life I'd led in Memphis as scheduler for a large cleaning service, I'd been quite a dresser. In that life, I'd had long brown hair, and lifting two twenty-pound dumbbells had made my arms tremble. I'd also been naive beyond belief. I had believed that all women were sisters under the skin, and that underneath all the crap, men were basically decent and honest.
I made an involuntary sound of disgust at the memory, and the white-haired lady sitting on the bench a yard away said, "Yes, it is a little overwhelming after a month and more, isn't it?"
I turned to look at her. Short and stout, she had chosen to wear a Christmas sweatshirt with reindeer on it and green slacks. Her shoes could have been advertised as "comfort-plus walkers." She smiled at me. She was alone like I was, and she had more to say.
"They start the selling season so early, and the stores put up the decorations almost before they clear the Halloween stuff away! Takes you right out of the mood, doesn't it!"
"Yes," I agreed. I swung back to glance in the window, seeing my reflection ... checking. Yes, I was Lily, the newer version, short blond hair, muscles like hard elastic bands, wary and alert. Strangers generally tended to address their remarks to someone else.
"It's a shame about Christmas," I told the old woman and walked away.
I pulled the list out of my purse. It would never be shorter unless I could mark something off by making a purchase. My mother had very carefully written down all the social events included in my sister's prewedding buildup and starred all the ones I was absolutely required to attend. She had included notes on what I should wear, in case I'd forgotten what was appropriate for Bartley society.
Unspoken in the letter, though I could read the words in invisible ink, was the plea that I honor my sister by wearing suitable clothes and making an effort to be "social."
I was a grown woman, thirty-one. I was not childish enough, or crazy enough, to cause Varena and my parents distress by inappropriate clothing and behavior.
But as I went into the best department store in the mall, as I stared over the racks and racks of clothing, I found myself completely at a loss. There were too many choices for a woman who'd simplified her life down to the bone. A saleswoman asked if she could help me, and I shook my head.