The Curious Incident of the Dog in the Night-Time

And in the afternoon Mother took me to Hampstead Heath in a taxi and we sat on the top of a hill and looked at the planes coming into Heathrow Airport in the distance. And I had a red ice lolly from an ice cream van. And Mother said she had rung Mrs. Gascoyne and told her that I was going to take my maths A level next year, so I threw my red ice lolly away and I screamed for a long time and the pain in my chest hurt so much that it was hard to breathe and a man came up and asked if I was OK and Mother said, “Well, what does it look like to you?” and he went away.

And then I was tired from screaming and Mother took me back to the flat in another taxi and the next morning was Saturday and she told Mr. Shears to go out and get me some books about science and maths from the library, and they were called 100 Number Puzzles and The Origins of the Universe and Nuclear Power, but they were for children and they were not very good so I didn’t read them, and Mr. Shears said, “Well, it’s nice to know my contribution is appreciated.”

And I hadn’t eaten anything since I threw away the red ice lolly on Hampstead Heath, so Mother made me a chart with stars on it like when I was very small and she filled a measuring jug with Complan and strawberry flavoring and I got a bronze star for drinking 200 ml and a silver star for drinking 400 ml and a gold star for drinking 600 ml.

And when Mother and Mr. Shears argued I took the little radio from the kitchen and I went and sat in the spare room and I tuned it halfway between two stations so that all I could hear was white noise and I turned the volume up really loud and I held it against my ear and the sound filled my head and it hurt so that I couldn’t feel any other sort of hurt, like the hurt in my chest, and I couldn’t hear Mother and Mr. Shears arguing and I couldn’t think about not doing my A level or the fact that there wasn’t a garden at 451c Chapter Road, London NW2 5NG, or the fact that I couldn’t see the stars.

And then it was Monday. And it was very late at night and Mr. Shears came into my room and woke me up and he had been drinking beer because he smelled like Father did when he had been drinking beer with Rhodri. And he said, “You think you’re so fucking clever, don’t you? Don’t you ever, ever think about other people for one second, eh? Well, I bet you’re really pleased with yourself now, aren’t you?”

And then Mother came in and pulled him out of the room and said, “Christopher, I’m sorry. I’m really, really sorry.”

The next morning, after Mr. Shears had gone to work, Mother packed lots of her clothes into two suitcases and told me to come downstairs and bring Toby and get into the car. And she put the suitcases into the boot and we drove off. But it was Mr. Shears’s car and I said, “Are you stealing the car?”

And she said, “I’m just borrowing it.”

And I said, “Where are we going?”

And she said, “We’re going home.”

And I said, “Do you mean home in Swindon?”

And she said, “Yes.”

And I said, “Is Father going to be there?”

And she said, “Please, Christopher. Don’t give me any hassle right now, OK?”

And I said, “I don’t want to be with Father.”

And she said, “Just… Just… It’s going to be all right, Christopher, OK? It’s going to be all right.”

And I said, “Are we going back to Swindon so I can do my maths A level?”

And Mother said, “What?”

And I said, “I’m meant to be doing my maths A level tomorrow.”

And Mother spoke very slowly and she said, “We are going back to Swindon because if we stay in London any longer… someone was going to get hurt. And I don’t necessarily mean you.”

And I said, “What do you mean?”

And she said, “Now I need you to be quiet for a while.”

And I said, “How long do you want me to be quiet for?”

And she said, “Jesus.” And then she said, “Half an hour, Christopher. I need you to be quiet for half an hour.”

And we drove all the way to Swindon and it took 3 hours 12 minutes and we had to stop for petrol and Mother bought me a Milkybar but I didn’t eat it. And we got caught in a long traffic jam which was caused by people slowing down to look at an accident on the other carriageway. And I tried to work out a formula to determine whether a traffic jam would be caused just by people slowing down and how this was influenced by (a) the density of traffic, and (b) the speed of the traffic, and (c) how quickly drivers braked when they saw the brake of the lights of the car in front coming on. But I was too tired because I hadn’t slept the night before because I was thinking about not being able to do my maths A level. So I fell asleep.

And when we got to Swindon Mother had keys to the house and we went in and she said, “Hello?” but there was no one there because it was 1:23 p.m. And I was frightened but Mother said I would be safe, so I went up to my room and closed the door. I took Toby out of my pocket and I let him run around and I played Minesweeper and I did the Expert Version in 174 seconds, which was 75 seconds longer than my best time.

And then it was 6:35 p.m. and I heard Father come home in his van and I moved the bed up against the door so he couldn’t get in and he came into the house and he and Mother shouted at each other.

And Father shouted, “How the fuck did you get in here?” And Mother shouted, “This is my house, too, in case you’ve forgotten.”

And Father shouted, “Is your fucking fancy man here as well?”

And then I picked up the bongo drums that Uncle Terry had bought me and I knelt down in the corner of the room and I pressed my head into the join between the two walls and I banged the drums and I groaned and I carried on doing this for an hour and then Mother came into the room and said Father had gone. And she said Father had gone to stay with Rhodri for a while and we would get a place to live of our own in the next few weeks.

Then I went into the garden and I found Toby’s cage behind the shed and I brought it inside and I cleaned it and put Toby back in it.

And I asked Mother if I could do my maths A level the next day.

And she said, “I’m sorry, Christopher.”

And I said, “Can I do my maths A level?”

And she said, “You’re not listening to me, are you, Christopher?”

And I said, “I’m listening to you.”

And Mother said, “I told you. I rang your headmistress. I told her you were in London. I told her you’d do it next year.”

And I said, “But I’m here now and I can take it.”

And Mother said, “I’m sorry, Christopher. I was trying to do things properly. I was trying not to mess things up.”

And my chest began hurting again and I folded my arms and I rocked backward and forward and groaned.

And Mother said, “I didn’t know we’d be coming back.”

But I carried on groaning and rocking backward and forward.

And Mother said, “Come on. This isn’t going to solve anything.”

Then she asked if I wanted to watch one of my Blue Planet videos, about life under the Arctic ice or the migration of humpback whales, but I didn’t say anything because I knew I wasn’t going to be able to do my maths A level and it was like pressing your thumbnail against a radiator when it’s really hot and the pain starts and it makes you want to cry and the pain keeps hurting even when you take your thumb away from the radiator.

Then Mother made me some carrots and broccoli and ketchup, but I didn’t eat them.

And I didn’t sleep that night either.

The next day Mother drove me to school in Mr. Shears’s car because we missed the bus. And when we were getting into the car, Mrs. Shears came across the road and said to Mother, “You’ve got a fucking nerve.”

And Mother said, “Get into the car, Christopher.”

But I couldn’t get into the car because the door was locked.

And Mrs. Shears said, “So, has he finally dumped you, too?”