Slow River

It wasn’t. It never would be, not when I kept seeing that slack, empty look in Paolo’s eyes, hearing him say I am nothing.

“What’s the matter? I mean, I didn’t expect handsprings, but thanks wouldn’t be out of order. Or are you just upset that I told Hepple you weren’t quite who you seem to be? Which is something we still haven’t cleared up.”

“I’m not a government employee,” I said wearily. “I’m not after your job. I don’t mean anyone any harm at all. I’m glad you wanted to help Paolo, but as you can see, it’s too late. All I want…” I felt dizzy for a minute. “I want…” I wanted to tell her that all I wanted was to do my job and be left alone, but I found myself crying. “He tried to kill himself. He took off his… and the razor…”

Magyar took my arm tightly. I thought she was worried I would fall into the trough, or run amok, or something, but she just said, “Don’t rub your eyes. You don’t know what’s on your hands.”

Very sensible. And then she was walking me somewhere while I rambled on about Paolo and his limbs and how he had tried to kill himself. I found we were in the breakroom. She made me wash my hands, then gave me a towel. Neither of us spoke. The eerie sense of deja vu hit me, and I laughed.

“I wonder if Paolo felt like this when I was taking away his razor,” I explained. “As though he was about five years old and being humored by a wise, kind person.” And then I felt embarrassed.

She didn’t launch into a denial. Of course she was humoring me. That’s what you did with someone in distress. You patted them on the head, told them everything was fine, and waited for them to get back up to speed with reality.

I sighed. “We should get back.”

Magyar looked at her watch. “Are you up to date in your readings for Hepple? Good. Then you may as well stay here. We break in ten minutes.”

She seemed relieved to get away.

Lore woke up. It was five in the morning. She pulled a blanket around her shoulders and stumbled out of bed.

Spa

“You’re very good at that,” Lore said.

“I know.” Spa

“Just wondered what you were up to.” Spa

Spa

The first few times she had gone to the Polar Bear, Lore had not realized that Spa

It was around February that Lore noticed a difference in Spa

“What’s going on?” she asked Spa

“Business is getting tight.”

“Anything to worry about?”

“Not yet. There are always other ways to make money.”

Lore did not want to ask about that. “Where have Hyn and Zimmer been lately?”

“Who?” Spa

“Shouldn’t you be more careful?”

“Oh, I’m too smart for the police.”

Nevertheless, Lore noticed that Spa

“Close your eyes.” Lore did. “Now open them and look on the bed.”

It was a Hammex 20. Lore picked it up, ran her hands over its familiar black curves. “These aren’t cheap.” She flicked the power switch, peered through the viewfinder. The drive hummed smoothly.

“Do you like it?”

“It seems in good condition.” She put it back on the bed and looked at it for a while, remembering Ratnapida, her first pictures of goldfish swimming slowly through crystal and shadowed water. She turned to face Spa

Spa

Lore thought of Billy, his mean eyes and fast mouth. “Are we in debt?”

“No.”

“Then how did we afford it?”

“I thought you’d like it.” Spa

“I do, I just don’t know how we can afford it.”

“Well, we can.”

Lore thought of Spa

“Does it matter?”

It did, but Lore did not have the courage to push any further. She was not sure she really wanted to know how Spa

“Do you like it? Really?”

Lore forced herself to smile. “You got exactly the right kind. They have the best lenses.” And despite herself, she was touched. The old-fashioned Hammexes were not easy to find these days. She imagined Spa

It was spring and Lore had the windows open. The soft breeze that blew across her editing desk smelled of new green. There were tiny buds on the branches outside—all the branches except one. She wondered how that had happened, why one branch would die while the others thrived. She supposed it just happened. Parts of things died. Nature. The door banged open. She turned, smiling, expecting Spa

Spa

“What?” Lore’s smile faded.

“The films aren’t selling.”

“You’ve been making a lot of copies.”

“Oh, I can move the units, but not for enough money. Not as much as we need. People tell me they’re tired of the same bodies in different situations.”

Lore looked at the frame lit on the screen. She did good work, but her library was so limited. “I need some live action. Or a bigger library.”

Spa

“You want me to stop?”

“No,” Spa

Two days later, she disappeared for more than twenty-four hours. When she came back, she looked exhausted, but she was gri

“I’ve got something special.” She held up a vial full of some clear, oily liquid.

“What is it?”

“You’ll see. Come here.” Spa

“It’s a drug? What kind?”