The Man with the Golden Torc

"Yes," I said. "Let’s do that."

"Starting with that thing on your lapel," said Molly, leaning in close for a better look at the badge. "The Confusulum. Any idea how you work it?"

I frowned, peering down at the badge. "The Blue Fairy didn’t say. And there wasn’t exactly an opportunity to ask for an instruction manual." I tapped the badge with a fingertip. "Hello? Is there anyone in there?"

And just like that, I made contact with something. Not with my mind; more like with my soul. I could feel something inside my head and inside my heart; not human, not in any way human, but large and laughing, playful and curious. The Confusulum found everything marvellously fu

"Well?" she said.

"I think it’ll do whatever we want," I said cautiously. "It’s…very strange. I don’t know if it’ll confuse our enemies, but it baffles the hell out of me."

Molly sniffed. "Should have given it to me. I’d soon teach it to sit up and beg. I’m used to dealing with magical items with minds of their own. You have to show them who’s boss."

"Oh, I’m pretty sure it knows who’s boss," I said.

"Look, can it help us with our most urgent problem? Namely, how we’re supposed to get to the Hall? All the usual and unusual ways out of London are bound to be closely monitored now, either by your family or Manifest Destiny, and I don’t have nearly enough energy left in me to summon a spatial portal. If only I hadn’t had to smash the Manx Cat to save your life. I could have drawn a lot of power from that statue."

"So this is all my fault, then?"

"Everything is your fault, Drood, until proven otherwise."

"All right," I said patiently. "Let’s start with that. Confusulum, can you help Molly get her power back?"

Oh, sure! said a happy voice in my ear. Easy peasy!

The badge on my lapel pulsed with an otherworldly light, and all around us the world became uncertain. The Confusulum exerted its unique nature and confused the issue so much that the universe itself wasn’t sure whether Molly had her power or not. It was as though someone had nudged the universe in the ribs so that it skipped a beat, and just like that…the world was subtly different. Magic spat and crackled on the air all around Molly as power surged through her, and she laughed aloud with sheer exhilaration. She swept her hands back and forth, and shimmering trails of energy followed her hands. Molly’s face was flushed with an almost sexual excitement, and she looked incredibly alive, full to bursting with all the energies of the wild woods.

I thought she’d never looked more beautiful.

(There were side effects to the change. Posters in the shop windows were suddenly different colours, or had different names. Red roses bloomed in the gutters. And a sheep walked solemnly backwards down the street.)

"Damn!" Molly said, gri

"Actually, I think that might be a bit conspicuous," I said in what I hoped was a calm, reasonable, and very soothing voice. "And anyway, we can’t risk using a spatial portal to get us to the Hall. My family’s defences would detect that. No, our only chance is to sneak in and take my family by surprise."

"You said you wanted to bring your family down!"

"I do, I do! But even with you back at your best, there’s still no way we can hope to go head-to-head with my family and survive. You know that, Molly."

She scowled. "All right, maybe I do. So, how are we going to get to the Hall?"

"We use the Confusulum," I said. "If it can confuse the whole universe about whether you have magic, it can confuse the world about where we really are. Right, badge?"

Oh, sure! No problem! I just live to confuse the issue! You know, you think very clearly for a three-dimensional entity!

So the Confusulum exerted itself, the world threw up its hands and said, Oh, have it your way then, and Molly and I appeared just inside the Hall’s grounds. Vast grassy lawns stretched away before us, with the house looming up ahead on the horizon. It was early evening now, the light already going out of the day. The sky was full of lowering clouds, and the air was hot and heavy. I looked quickly around, but there didn’t seem to be anyone about. I was half crouching, tense with anticipation for alarms going off and defences activating, but everything seemed calm and quiet, the peace of the evening undisturbed except by the singing of a few drowsy birds and the whickering of the unicorns in their stables. The peace didn’t fool me. The Hall and its grounds were seriously protected at all times by quite appallingly vicious scientific and magical means. All of which, it seemed, were currently utterly bewildered by the Confusulum. I straightened up and nodded slowly.

I’d come home.

"Stick close to me," I said to Molly. "The family can’t view me remotely while I wear the torc, and as long as you’re right beside me it should protect you too."

"I can protect myself," Molly said automatically. She was staring about her with wide eyes and a disbelieving smile. "Oh, Eddie, you should have told me…This place is fabulous! I mean, the size of these grounds…You could land an airplane on lawns this size! And you’ve got fountains, and your own lake…and swans! Oooh…I just love swans!"

"Me too," I said. "Delicious."

"Barbarian! Are those peacocks over there?"

"Yes. Try not to set them off. They can make more noise than the alarms."

"I always figured you guys lived well, but this is incredible. I know some landed gentry who don’t have it as good as this!"

"Welcome to my home," I said. "One day, absolutely none of this will be mine."

Molly looked at me. "Why drop us off here, so far from the Hall? Why not arrive somewhere useful, inside the house?"

"Because that would have set off alarms," I said. "Even the Confusulum couldn’t handle the kind of security my family has set up throughout the Hall. The kind of alarms primed to go off if they’re even suspicious or just have a bad dream. The defences out here are more straightforward: on/off, kill/don’t kill, that sort of thing. Child’s play for the Confusulum."

Molly gri

We moved cautiously forward across the lawns, towards the house. We stayed off the gravel path, far too noisy, and we gave the peacocks plenty of room. A few sounded off, but no one in the house would give their plaintive cries any attention. Molly and I actually covered quite a distance before half a dozen robot guns rose suddenly out of the ground from their hidden silos. Big, ugly, brutal weapons, they swivelled back and forth as their fire computers struggled to target the intruders whose proximity had set them off. Molly and I stood very still while I rested one hand on the badge at my lapel. The Confusulum did its thing, and the guns swivelled jerkily back and forth, increasingly confused and upset by conflicting impulses. So in the end the stupid things decided that since they were the only things moving, they must be the intruders. And they shot the hell out of each other. Muzzles roared, bullets flew, and one by one the robot guns exploded messily in bursts of fire and smoke. None of the bullets came anywhere near Molly or me.