White Oleander

I coughed the dry hacking cough I'd had all spring, from smoking pot and the pere

And what if she did get out? If she came walking up to the house on Ripple Street, if she said, "I'm back. Pack up, Astrid, we're leaving." Could I resist her? I pictured her, in the white shirt and jeans they let her change into when they arrested her. "Let's go," she said. I saw us standing on the porch at Rena's, staring at each other, but nothing beyond that.

Was she still in my bones, in my every thought?

I squatted by the water as it flowed over the tumbled rocks, thought how far must they have come to have settled in this concrete cha

My mother once wrote a poem about rivers. They were women, she wrote. Starting out .small girls, tiny streams decorated with wildflowers. Then they were torrents, gouging paths through sheer granite, flinging themselves off cliffs, fearless and irresistible. Later, they grew fat and serviceable, broad slow curves carrying commerce and sewage, but in their unconscious depths catfish gorged, grew the size of barges, and in the hundred-year storms, they rose up, forgetting the promises they made, the wedding vows, and drowned everything for miles around. Finally, they gave out, birth-emptied, malarial, into a fan of swamp that met the sea.

But this river was none of these things. It flowed serene and ignored past fences spray-painted 18th Street, Roscos, Frogtown, alive despite everything, guarding the secrets of survival. This river was a girl like me.

A makeshift tent sat on a small island in the middle of the miniature forest, its blue plastic tarp startling amid the grays and greens. The here-and-now Hiltons, Barry used to call them. I knew whose it was. A tall, thin Vietnam vet in khakis and camouflage, I'd seen him around early in the mornings, the thin thread of smoke from his small coffee-can stove. I'd seen him in front of the Spanish market on Glendale Boulevard, the boarded-up side, playing poker with his friends in the long shadows of afternoon.

Wild mustard flowered on the cracked banks, and I picked a bouquet for Yvo

Well, anyone could buy a green Jaguar, find beauty in a Japanese screen two thousand years old. I would rather be a co

BUT THAT NIGHT I dreamed the old dream again, of gray Paris streets and the maze of stone, the bricked blind windows. This time there were doors of glass with curved art nouveau handles, they were all locked. I knew I had to find my mother. It was getting dark, dark figures lurked in the cellar entrances. I rang all the buzzers to the apartments. Women came to the door, looking like her, smiling, some even called my name. But none of them was her.

I knew she was in there, I banged on the door, screamed for her to let me in. The door buzzed to admit me, but just as I pushed it in, I saw her leaving from the courtyard gate, a passenger in a small red car, wearing her curly Afghan coat and big sunglasses over her blind eyes, she was leaning back in the seat and laughing. I ran after her, crying, begging.

Yvo

30

THE MATERNITY WARD of Waite Memorial Hospital reminded me of all the schools I'd ever gone to. Sand-textured walls painted the color of old teeth, lockers in the hall, linoleum floors dark and light brown, acoustic tiles packed with string. Only the screaming up and down the halls was different. It scared me. I didn't belong here, I thought, as I followed Yvo

I brought all the things we'd learned to use in baby class, the te

Rena didn't stay long. She drove us there, dropped us off, signed the papers. Whenever I started liking her, something like this happened.

"Mama," Yvo

"I won't." I fed her some of the ice chips they let her have. They wouldn't let her drink anything, in case she had to have anesthesia. They didn't want her puking into the mask. She puked anyway. I held the small plastic kidney-shaped pan up under her chin. The fluorescent light accused us.

The nurse looked up at the monitor, stuck her ringers up Yvo