Fleeced

37

Maldwin and the student butlers were prepared for the evening’s festivities. They were all formally dressed and ready to serve. The hors d’oeuvres were waiting to be popped into the oven. Cheese and crackers and crudités were out on the tables. Champagne was chilling in the refrigerator.

“The Princess of Love went hog-wild with this party, huh, Maldwin?” Vi

“Never comb your hair in the kitchen, please!” Maldwin scolded.

“Now while we are waiting for our guests to arrive, I’d like to go over a few things with you. No sense wasting time. Let’s sit in the living room.”

Vi

“A butler with laryngitis,” Vi

“Vi

“A silent butler,” Harriet began, “is a small receptacle used to collect crumbs off the di

“Thank you, Harriet,” Maldwin said.

Harriet beamed at him.

“You all need to study the sheets I hand out to you. I’m going to start giving pop quizzes. But on to other things. As you know, Stanley Stock, the television producer, will be here again tonight. I’m going to suggest to him that he ask each one of you about your dreams of being a first-rate butler. Who knows? Your future employers may be out there watching.”

“How exciting!” Harriet cried. “Can I go first?”

I’m going to get sick, Blaise thought. And I don’t want to be interviewed on-camera. Last night I did my best to stay out of sight.

Lydia’s voice came over the intercom. “Maldwin, I need you for a moment.”

Maldwin looked at his watch. “You may relax until the party starts. Now remember, this is an important one!” He strode out of the room with purpose.

Albert turned to Vi

“Beats me.”

38

In front of Ben’s brownstone, a patrol car was waiting with its lights flashing. When Regan and Thomas rounded the corner, the stark reality of the situation hit Thomas like a wet blanket. A small moan escaped from his lips.

Regan hurried over to the car and introduced herself. Squawks were emanating from the radio. There was no doubt the presence of the patrol car was attracting attention.

Officer Dowling, a friendly young cop, greeted Regan and Thomas and walked with them to the outside door. They buzzed, but there was no answer. Dowling unlocked the door, and the three of them hurried up the stairs to Ben’s apartment.

As soon as Dowling pushed open the door and turned on the lights, they all gasped. The place had been ransacked. Drawers in the living room were pulled open, their contents thrown all over the floor.

“Oh my God!” Thomas cried.

“Looks like a B and E,” Dowling said. He got on the radio and called it in.

Regan and Thomas walked down the hall in disbelief, turning on lights as they went. The bedroom and den were also torn apart. “The kitchen must be at the other end,” Regan said, leading the way through the dining room to the kitchen’s swinging door. She flicked on the light.

“Janey’s coat!” Thomas cried. “And the carry bag for the food!” He ran over and stroked her coat lovingly. “Oh, Janey,” he cried. “Janey!”

“In here!”

Thomas looked as if he’d seen a ghost. Or at least heard one. Regan felt pretty startled herself.

“Janey! Where are you?”

“In the closet!”

By now Officer Dowling was also in the kitchen. Thomas pulled on the closet door, but it was locked.

“We’re going to have to get some equipment to break down the door. This is a heavy one,” Dowling observed.

“Janey, we’ll get you out. But what are you doing in there?” Thomas asked.

Janey started to cry. “It’s a long story.”

“Does it have something to do with roast chicken?”

“Yes,” she answered feebly.

Thomas turned to Regan and mouthed the words, “Waste not, want not.”

39

That’s a wrap,” Jacques Harlow cried as the last scene ended with the sheep being carried out of the room by Pumpkin and her leading man, Lothar. “On to our next location.”

“Next location?” Daphne said with a puzzled look on her face. “I thought that this was it.”

“No. We’re going to my loft downtown. That’s where we will shoot the climactic scene, when Pumpkin and Lothar decide they are going to move to Australia and buy a sheep farm.”

“Brilliant idea!” Pumpkin called from the doorway.

“No, Pumpkin, you’re brilliant. A brilliant actress. You’re giving a multilayered, textured performance that is going to knock the critics’ socks off,” Jacques pronounced with a wave of his cigarette holder. “When you picked up the sheep and hugged it, I was blown away.”

“It’s your direction!” Pumpkin said liltingly as she ran toward Jacques for one of their post-acting hugs. “I was so in the moment thanks to your trust.”

“Well, thanks to your being in the moment, I figured out the perfect way to end the story. Now let’s load up the truck. And don’t forget the sheep.”

Daphne sat listening to the two biggest phonies she’d ever met in show business, and she was more and more a

“We’ll bring them back,” Jacques said.

“I still don’t think it’s right. The president of our club isn’t here right now, so we can’t ask him.”

Jacques walked over to Daphne and took her hand in his and kissed it. “I’m sure we can give you a real part in this final scene. If you’d like…”

“Playing what?” Daphne asked tentatively.

“The beautiful and wealthy owner of the sheep farm, who has just moved to New York.”

“Let’s go,” Daphne agreed quickly.

Jacques grabbed his walking stick from his ever present assistant, raised it in the air, and cried, “We’re off!”

40

Stand back,” the Emergency Services Unit officer called out to Janey. “I’ve got the gear to break down the door.”

“What gear?” Janey yelled.

“A hatchet.”

“A hatchet?” Janey cried.

“A hatchet,” he confirmed. “It’s a beauty.”

“Be careful,” she urged, then remembered to add, “please.”

“I’ll try. How much room you got in there?”

“Not much.”

Thomas whimpered. He and Regan were standing at the other end of the kitchen. The apartment was full of detectives, patrolmen, and emergency services perso

“Well, here goes.” The ESU officer lifted the hatchet over his head and brought it back down against the door. The metal head struck the heavy wood with a snapping, crackling sound not unlike twigs burning in a fireplace.

There goes Ben’s security deposit, Regan thought.

It took several minutes, but finally bits of the door had been hacked away. Another few minutes and Janey was stepping through the jagged opening and ru

Murmurs of relief and “good job” rippled through the kitchen. One of the police officers stepped into the living room to pass along the good news to the cluster of folks out there and in the hallway, including a couple of neighbors and the building’s superintendent.