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A second later, Tiffany sidles up to me and says, “Okay, so here’s the L.D.”
I screw up my face at her in confusion. “The what?”
“The L.D.,” she says. “The lowdown?” When I nod, she goes on, “Don’t look at me. Look at the fireworks. Pretend we’re talking about the fireworks. Her name is Mae Lin, and she’s got some kinda like master’s degree in like social work or something. She lives in Alphabet City and she loves the Buckeyes—that’s a basketball team—and collects vintage Fiesta Di
I look at Tiffany. “Tiff,” I say as the fireworks boom along the skyline behind me, “I told you. I don’t care. I don’t like Chaz that way.”
“Yeah, right,” Tiffany says with a hoarse laugh and takes a swig of her champagne. “Whatever! If he were the marrying kind, you would so have screwed him already. Just admit it.”
Z100 is blasting “Born to Run.” Shari’s girlfriend, Pat, is saying, “No. Just… no. Are you kidding me with this?” While Shari says, “Honey, it’s the Boss. What are you go
“Here’s what you do,” Tiffany says, taking my empty ice cream bowl from me and setting it on a nearby picnic table. “Go over there—both Mae Lin and Valencia are gone now, it’s okay, they went downstairs to dry off. I ‘accidentally’ spilled my bottle of champagne on them—and tell him his pies were good.”
“Tiff.” She’s pushing me toward Chaz. I lock my knees, refusing to budge. “No. I’m engaged. And he doesn’t… what you just said. About marriage. Remember?”
“God!” Tiffany gives me another shove. “Why are you being so fucking stubborn? You can change him! I know all your other girlfriends are always telling you men can’t change, and in general it’s true. But not in this case. With you. And him. Believe me. I know. Come on, Lizzie. You’re always helping other people. Why won’t you let us help you for once?”
“Because you aren’t helping me,” I say from between gritted teeth. I have to raise my voice a little, because the boom of the fireworks—and the swell of Z100, playing from so many rooftops—is so loud. I notice two leather-braceleted men looking over at us in amusement.
I turn my back to them. “I told you, Tiffany, I love Luke. Luke, not Chaz.”
I almost completely believe this as I say it too. To the point that I even manage to convince myself that I have not spent the whole of the party trying not to look over to where Chaz is sitting and wondering how he’s managed to get such a dark tan so early in the summer, or why he insists on wearing khaki shorts. They’re so undignified for the urban male.
Although with muscular legs like his, he can, of course, get away with it…
“I don’t think you do,” Tiffany insists. “And I’m sorry, but I don’t think Luke loves you, either. He wouldn’t have gone to France—or agreed to your stupid fucking break idea—if he did. I think you two are both just afraid to admit it’s been over between you for a long time already. You had a summer fling that’s gone on way, way too long. Believe me, Lizzie, I know what real love is, and I see it standing over there by that fuckin’ beer cooler in a baseball cap. Now go… over… there… ”
Tiffany shoves me with a strength surprising in so thin a person—well, she does work out—and I find myself stumbling in my lace-up platform espadrilles… only to end up stumbling practically into the beer cooler. I’d have fallen inside it if Chaz hadn’t reached out and grabbed my arm.
“Hey,” he says, looking concerned. “You okay?”
“Yeah,” I say, turning beet red. “I’m fine. Tiffany wants me to tell you that, um. She liked your pies.”
Chaz stares down at me, his dark eyebrows raised.
“Oh,” he says. “Well, that’s nice.”
“Yeah,” I say, trying to regain my composure. “I did too. Good… pie. Both of them.”
Am I? I ask myself. Am I really the stupidest human being on the face of the planet? Or does it just feel that way sometimes?
“Great,” Chaz says. “So. How’s the break going?”
“The break?” I echo lamely.
“Yeah,” Chaz says. “The break you and Luke are on.”
“Oh, the break!” Behind Chaz’s head, fireworks are exploding into amazing shapes, like apples and kissing lips. And he’s not even looking. His gaze is riveted to my face. Which I hope he can’t tell is still burning as brightly as the lights of the skyline behind him. “Um, fine. I guess. Luke really seems to like it over there. It’s a lot of work. But then he knew it would be.”
“Well,” Chaz says, picking up his beer and taking a sip of it, “he’s always had a thing for numbers.”
“Yeah,” I say. “Well, he’s just doing this as a favor for his uncle.”
“Yeah,” Chaz says. “Right.”
I glance up at him sharply. “What do you mean by that?” I snap.
“What do you mean, what do I mean?” he asks defensively. “I don’t mean anything. I just said you were right.”
“You sounded like you were being sarcastic,” I say.
“Well, I wasn’t being sarcastic,” he says.
“You think he was desperate for any excuse he could get,” I say, clarity breaking over me suddenly like a crystal ocean wave, “to leave town and get away from me. Because I’m smothering him.”
Oh my God. It’s happening again. My mouth, I mean. Ru
But why am I mentioning it to Chaz, of all people?
Chaz seems to be wondering the same thing.
“How much wine have you had?” Chaz asks, laughing with disbelief.
“None,” I say. Amazingly, it’s the truth. Also, I’m wishing I’d shut up. But my mouth keeps on moving without me, as usual. “And you’re wrong. I don’t smother him at all. If anything, I don’t pay enough attention to him. And besides, that would completely fly in the face of what you said that day.”
“What day?” Chaz asks, looking more confused than ever.
“The day I told you he proposed. You said he was proposing only because he’s so scared of being alone, he’d rather be with a girl he knows isn’t right for him than be by himself.”
Shut. Up. Lizzie.
Chaz blinks at me. “Well… I still think that’s true.”
“But you can’t have it both ways.” In the distance, the fireworks are still going off, in much quicker succession than before. Boom. Boom. Boom. Each blast seems to be timed to go off with my heartbeat rather than the Bon Jovi song that’s now blasting from the radio around us. I’m standing so close to Chaz that I can see his chest rising and falling in the same rhythm through the front of his short-sleeved polo. It’s hard not to put my hands on his chest to see if his heart is beating in time to mine as well.
God, what is wrong with me?
“Either I’m smothering him or he’s scared to be without me,” I blurt out instead. “Which is it?”
“You are completely insane right now,” Chaz says to me, still laughing a little. “You know that, don’t you?”
The truth is, I do know that. But knowing it doesn’t help.
“You’re his best friend,” I point out. “You’ve known him longer than I have. And you seem to have so many opinions on our relationship. Or at least you used to. I realize we haven’t talked about it in a while because you’ve been so busy with Valencia, but I assume you must have some new theories on the matter. Go ahead. Let’s hear them.”
“Not now,” Chaz says, looking down at me with a grin I can only call suggestive. “Too many people around. Why don’t you come back to my place after this? I’ll be happy to tell you every theory I know. And illustrate them, as well.”
The grin has caused my breath to catch in my throat. Not that I’m about to let him know that.
“Oh, you’d like that, wouldn’t you?” I demand. I’m standing so close to him now that our faces are just inches apart. “Is that the only way you can relate to women? As sexual objects?”