Queen of Babble

25

While gossip among women is universally ridiculed as low and trivial, gossip among men, especially if it is about women, is called theory, or idea, or fact.

– Andrea Dworkin (1946-2005), U.S. feminist critic

Fortunately we’ve just warbled our last “And I owe it all to you.” Because if he’d shown up at any other part, I’d have choked on my own saliva.

The crowd bursts into enthusiastic applause, and Shari and I take our bow. While our heads are down by our knees (and I see the bass player duck to see if he can catch a glimpse of what’s going on under our skirts-which, in my case, is going to be quite a lot, if he can actually see up there), Shari says, “Jesus Christ, Lizzie. What’s he doing here?”

“I don’t know,” I say back, wanting to cry. “What do I do?”

“What do you mean, what do you do? You have to go talk to him.”

“I don’t want to talk to him! I’ve already said everything I have to say to him.”

“Well, you obviously didn’t say it forcefully enough,” Shari says. “So go say it again.”

We both straighten just as one of Vicky’s friends, to hoots of “Go, Lauren!” and “You can do it, girl!” runs up onto the stage and grabs the microphone from us.

“Hi,” she says to us. “You guys were great.” Then she spins around to the band and cries, “D’you guys know ‘Lady Marmalade’?”

Baz glances at Kurt. Kurt shrugs.

“We can probably figure it out,” the bass player says.

And Kurt starts tapping out the beat.

“Lizzie,” Andy says, standing at the bottom of the stage. He’s got his leather jacket with him, strung over one arm.

What is he doing here? How did he find me? Why did he come? He doesn’t love me. I know he doesn’t love me.

So then why go to all this trouble?

My God. It must have been the blow job. Seriously!

I had no idea a blow job was such a powerful thing. If I had, I’d never have given him one, I swear.

I start climbing from the stage, Shari behind me, whispering, “Tell him to leave. Tell him you don’t want anything to do with him. Tell him you’re going to take out a restraining order. I’m sure they have those in France. Don’t they?”

Andy is waiting for me at the bottom of the steps. His face is white and filled with anxiety.

“Liz,” he says when I reach him, “there you are. I’ve been looking all over this place-”

“Andy,” I say, “what are you doing here?”

“I’m sorry, Lizzie,” he says, reaching for my hand. “But you just ran off! I couldn’t leave things that way-”

“Excuse me,” a woman with a heavy Texas accent interrupts us, “but are you the girl who designed the bride’s gown?”

“Um,” I say, “I didn’t design it. It’s vintage. I just rehabbed it.”

“Well, I just wanted to tell you,” the woman says, “you did a fantastic job. That dress is lovely. Just lovely. You’d never know it was vintage. Never in a million years.”

“Well,” I say, “thank you.”

The woman goes away.

And I turn back to the man in front of me.

“Andy,” I say. I can’t believe this. I’ve never had a guy follow me across Europe before. Well, across a cha

“No we didn’t,” Andy says. “I mean, you broke up with me. But you never even gave me a chance to explain-”

“Pardon me, miss.” Another woman has come up to us. “But did you really make that wedding dress li’l Vicky’s got on?”

“No, I didn’t make it,” I say. “I rehabbed it. It’s a vintage gown. I just cleaned and fitted it for her.”

“Well, it’s beautiful,” the woman says. “Just beautiful. And I liked your little song up there.”

“Oh,” I say, begi

It sort of surprises me to hear myself say that. But it’s really true. I am not the same girl who got off that plane at Heathrow, even if I do happen to be wearing the same dress. I’m someone totally different now. I don’t know who, exactly, but-

Someone else.

“Really,” I say to Andy, giving his hand a squeeze. “I don’t have any hard feelings toward you. We just made a mistake.”

“I don’t think we were a mistake,” Andy says, his grip on my hand tightening. Not in a friendly squeeze like mine was, either. His is more like he isn’t going to let go of me. “I think I made a mistake-plenty of mistakes. But, Lizzie, you never even gave me a chance to really apologize. That’s why I’m here. I want to apologize properly, and then maybe take you out for a nice meal, and then take you home-”

“Andy,” I say gently. Our conversation, already bizarre enough, has taken on an even weirder note, thanks to the musical accompaniment. Behind me, Lauren is shrieking, “‘Gitchy gitchy ya ya da da!’” and doing some choreography that is making the bass player, at least, smile happily.

“How-how did you even know where to find me, anyway?” I ask wonderingly.

“You told me a million times in your e-mails that your friend Shari was staying the month in a chateau in the Dordogne called Mirac. It wasn’t that hard to find. Now say you’ll come home with me, Liz. We can start over. I promise it will be different this time…I’ll be different.”

“I’m not going back to England with you, Andy,” I explain as kindly as I can. “I just don’t feel that way about you anymore. It was very nice knowing you, but really. I think this is where we have to say good-bye.”

Andy’s jaw is slack.

“Excuse me,” a woman says. I turn and find a middle-aged woman looking apologetic. “I’m sorry, I really don’t mean to interrupt, but I heard you rehabbed the bride’s gown. Which I assume means you took an old gown and fixed it up?”

“Yes,” I say. What is going on here? “I did.”

“Well-I really am sorry to interrupt-but my daughter would like to wear my grandmother’s wedding dress for her wedding next June, but we just haven’t been able to find anyone willing to, um, rehab it. Everyone we’ve seen about it says the fabric is too old and fragile, and they don’t want to risk ruining it.”

“Well,” I say, “that is a concern with old fabric. I mean, it’s much better quality than the materials used in bridal gowns today. But I’ve found if you use all-natural cleansers-no chemicals-you can get quite good results.”

“All-natural cleansers,” the woman repeats. “I see. Honey, do you have a business card? Because I would love to be in touch with you about this again”-she glances up at Andy’s face-“but I can see that you’re busy right now.”

“Um.” I pat myself, then remember my mandarin dress has no pockets. And that even if it did, I have no business cards, anyway. “No. But I’ll find you and give you my contact information in a little while. Would that be all right?”

“That’d be just fine,” the woman says with another nervous glance at Andy. “I’ll just…I’ll see you in a bit.”

She slinks off and Andy, as if he can hold it in no longer, bursts out with, “Lizzie, you can’t mean that. I understand that maybe you feel we need some time apart. Maybe after a bit of time has passed you’ll realize that what we’ve got, you and I, is really special. I’ll show you. I’ll treat you the way you want to be treated. I’ll make it up to you, Lizzie, I swear. When you get back to A

The strangest feeling comes over me when he says that. I can’t really explain it, except that it’s as if suddenly he’s given me a glimpse into the future…

A future I can now see quite clearly, as if it were in high definition.

“I’m not going back to A

Behind me, I hear Shari go, “Ye-esss.”