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But I can certainly rectify that by having H & H throw a little nova on my bagel three times a week. I do not need to eat fish morning, noon, and night, like these Italians apparently do.
Wait. Could this explain why they’re all so fit?
Oh, God, what is wrong with me? I am in an exotic foreign country, staying in a lovely house (except for the no-TV thing. And the Virgin Mary paintings everywhere—Holly’s uncle seems to collect them, the ones whose eyes watch you wherever you go, so creepily that I had to take the one in my room down and put it in the wardrobe; oh, and the fact that there are no bathtubs, only showers, in any of the bathrooms. Oh, and my best friend’s husband’s best man keeps using words likevicissitudes and apparently wants to find some time to be alone with me so we can “talk.” But other than that, the place is lovely) with my best friend, who is getting married, MARRIED, to the man she has loved forever. I should be happy for her.
It’s just that really, with this storm overhead, pouring down buckets, we are stuck in this house together, with nothing but the Virgin Mary statues and the fish Frau Schumacher left us, and all I can think about is how crappy the weather is and how mean Mark’s best man is and how much work I am going to have when I get back and how probably Julio is going to be resentful of The Dude’s biting him and consequently forget to tape all my shows and then I won’t know what’s happening on any of them and I’ll have to ask Dolly Vargas who will tell me all pityingly that a single woman who cares as much about television as I do has no life and why don’t I let her introduce me to someone.
Holly is calling me. She says di
I swear to God, if any of them finds the playing cards some previously rain-swamped guests left behind and suggests we play bridge or something equally chummy, I am definitely going out to the pool, rain or no rain, and drowning myself.
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e-mails
To: Holly Caputo
Fr: Jane Harris >
Re: Where is he?
Holly, is Mark with you?
J
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To: Jane Harris >
Fr: Holly Caputo
Re: Where is he?
Oh my God, Jane. Where are you? Why are you e-ing me? I’m still awake. Why don’t you come talk to me in person? I’m in our room. It’s OK, Mark’s still downstairs.
Holly
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To: Holly Caputo
Fr: Jane Harris >
Re: Where is he?
Is Cal with him? Mark, I mean?
J
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To: Jane Harris >
Fr: Holly Caputo
Re: Where is he?
How should I know? I told you, I’m in my room. I came up to bed because I’m exhausted. What is WRONG with you? Where ARE you? Why are you acting so weird all of a sudden?
Holly
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To: Holly Caputo
Fr: Jane Harris >
Re: Where is he?
Nothing’s wrong. I’m on my way to bed too. I’m in a downstairs closet. I just don’t want to run into Cal. Go back to sleep. Sorry if I woke you up.
J
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To: Jane Harris >
Fr: Holly Caputo
Re: Where is he?
Right. Like I’ll be able to go back to sleep NOW. Janie, WHY are you in a downstairs closet? And WHY don’t you want to run into Cal? Tell me now, or I’m coming down there and ripping that closet door open.
Holly
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To: Holly Caputo
Fr: Jane Harris >
Re: Where is he?
It’s NOTHING, okay? After you went up to bed, and Mark went to see if he could find another bottle of scotch after we polished off the last one, Cal said he wanted to have a word with me alone before bed. That’s all. Now I am hiding in the closet because I don’t want to have a word with him. OK? Are you satisfied?
J
PS If you figure out where he is, let me know, and if he’s far from the stairs, I’ll make a run for my room. Then I can turn out all the lights and pretend to be asleep if he knocks.
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To: Jane Harris >
Fr: Holly Caputo
Re: Where is he?
Janie, don’t be such a freak! He LIKES you. He MUST. Why else would he want to see you alone? He probably wants to… you know.
And why not? You’re both on vacation, you’re both attractive, you’re both single… why WOULDN’T you hook up?
Holly
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To: Holly Caputo
Fr: Jane Harris >
Re: Where is he?
Um, why WOULD we? He is a modelizer, lest you forget.
And believe me, sex is NOT what he wants from me.
J
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To: Jane Harris >
Fr: Holly Caputo
Re: Where is he?
Then what is it? What on earth do you think he wants to talk to you about?
Holly
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To: Holly Caputo
Fr: Jane Harris >
Re: What on earth I think he wants to talk to me about
Oh, you might be surprised.
J
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To: Jane Harris >
Fr: Holly Caputo
Re: What on earth I think he wants to talk to me about
Janie, you really have to get over this absurd prejudice you have about Cal. Mark and I were talking about it earlier, when you were doing the dishes, and Cal was cleaning the grill. You two actually have a lot in common. I mean, you both come from small towns. You both are extremely successful, and you both built up your careers from basically nothing. You’re both attractive and creative. And you’re both friends with us! You two would make an AWESOME couple. Just give him a chance. I know he’s not up to your usual standards—seeing as how he has a job and is over twenty-five—but he might surprise you.
Holly
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To: Holly Caputo
Fr: Jane Harris >
Re: What on earth I think he wants to talk to me about
Excuse me, but did you just use the word AWESOME?
J
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To: Jane Harris >