Big Boned

“Well, fine. Since you asked. So, Tad’s got this question he wants to ask me. And… meanwhile, Detective Canavan asks where I was this morning at Dr. Veatch’s time of death, which was apparently the exact time Tad was… well, telling me he had this question to ask me. So I had to give Detective Canavan Tad’s name, and who knows what he’s going to do with it. Tad could get into big trouble if it gets out that he’s sleeping with a student.”

Magda lets out a big enough sigh of disgust that those aforementioned bleached blond bangs fly up into the air. “Please,” she says. “You’re not exactly a tender little freshman. No offense.”

“Actually, that’s exactly what I am.”

“But you’re old!” Magda exclaims.

I glare at her. “Thanks.”

“You know what I mean. You’re both what-is-it-called. Consenting adults. No one will care. Well, no one but that Dr. Veatch. And now he’s dead. So that’s that.”

“Will you try not to sound so gleeful when you say that?” I warn her.

“So what are you going to say?” Magda wants to know.

“About what?”

“When he asks you to marry him?” she shouts, loudly enough to cause the bed-headed student as well as members of the NYPD to look over.

“Magda,” I say. “I don’t know. I don’t even know if that’s what he’s going to ask. You know? I mean, it seems kind of soon—”

“You should say yes,” Magda says, firmly. “It will make Cooper crazy. And then he’ll come around. Mark my words. I know about these things.”

I say acidly, “If you know so much about these things, how come you and Pete never ended up together?”

She shrugs. “Maybe it’s for the best. Why do I want to be saddled with kids at my age? I still got my whole life ahead of me.”

“Magda,” I say. “No offense. But you’re forty.”

“Thirty-nine and a half,” she reminds me. “Oh, shit.”

I look where she’s looking. And echo her curse word inside my head.

Because President Allington, along with his entourage, has finally shown up.

5

No use crying in the dark

A DoveBar won’t fix your broken heart

Put down that ice cream cone

It’s time to do it on your own

“No Use Crying Over Spilled Desserts”

Written by Heather Wells

I consider ducking beneath the cashier’s desk and hiding under Magda’s feet, but this seems unprofessional.

Instead, I stand my ground, while President Allington—as always inexplicably attired in a New York College letter jacket, white painter’s pants (although it’s not yet Memorial Day), and ru

Now, however, Muffy appears to be doing damage control on Dr. Veatch’s murder.

“Well, you just have to get them out of here, Phil,” Muffy is saying, in her strong Southern accent, as the four of them walk in. “This is private property, after all.”

“Actually,” Dr. Fly

“Well, you know what I mean,” Muffy says. I can’t help noticing that every male eye in the room is on her. The thirty-something-year-old former beauty queen (no, really. It said so on her CV in The Pansy, the newsletter that is distributed to all New York College administrators once a month) wears her chestnut brown hair in a large poufy helmet around her head—known in a previous decade as a bouffant, in this one as… I don’t even know—and shows off her slim figure to an advantage by sporting a pencil skirt and high heels.

I guess I can see why every guy in the vicinity is so attracted to the vivacious, well-coiffed Ms. Fowler—at least until she opens her mouth.

“We don’t want to send one of those rent-a-cops ya’ll like to call security, either, to just shoo them away,” Muffy says. “Freedom of the press, and all. We need to take a more delicate approach to this. I think we should send a woman. Someone from the administrative staff.”

I can feel my spine going cold. I have no idea what she’s talking about, but all I can think is No. For the love of all that is holy.

“We’ve arranged for a grief counselor for any Fischer Hall residents who might feel they need to talk to one,” Dr. Jessup is trying to tell the president. “Dr. Kilgore is on her way. And since news of the murder’s already been all over the local radio stations and New York One, we’re encouraging students to call their parents to let them know they’re all right… ”

We are? Wow, you miss a lot when you’re an actual suspect in a murder, as opposed to an i

But President Allington isn’t listening to Dr. Jessup. Maybe that’s because all of his attention is focused on Muffy—possibly because she’s managed to snag her ginormous diamond cocktail ring on a loose thread attached to the gold letters NY stitched onto one side of his jacket.

“Oh my goodness,” Muffy laughs. “I gotcha good, didn’t I, Phil? Don’t move an inch now, we’re dealin’ with a three-carat canary diamond here… ”

Dr. Allington stands there looking down at the top of Muffy’s helmet head and laughs in a ma

Still, you’d think her husband would be a little less obviously delighted to be receiving so much attention from a member of the opposite sex. Even one as attractive as Muffy Fowler.

“Wasn’t that fu

“Well,” Dr. Jessup begins. “We can always send Gillian, when she gets here. But wouldn’t that be something you, Ms. Fowler, might want to do, seeing as how the university hired you to—”

But before Dr. Jessup can finish, President Allington’s gaze falls upon me… just as, deep down inside, I’d known it would, somehow. I mean, really. Isn’t that the story of my life? Got a really unsavory task? Why not send Heather Wells to do it? She lost her uterus in the park this morning, after all. It’s not like she’s of any use to society anymore anyway.

“Oh, Jessica,” Dr. Allington says, coming momentarily out of his Muffy-induced stupor and recognizing me as the girl who once saved his wife’s life. Or something like that. “Jessica’s here. Why can’t Jessica do it?”

For reasons that will never be clear to me, President Allington thinks I’m Jessica Simpson.

No. Really. No matter how many times people (including me) tell him I’m not.

“Now, Phil,” Dr. Fly

“She did? You.” Muffy looks at me and snaps her fingers. “You’re the one who found him?”

I exchange wild-eyed glances with Magda. “Um. Yes?”

“Perfect.” Muffy grabs me by the arm. “Come with me.”