Women

78

That night I managed to get 2 or 3 drinks into Cecelia. She forgot herself and crossed her legs high and I saw some good heavy flank. Durable. A cow of a woman, cow's breasts, cow's eyes. She could handle plenty. Keesing had had a good eye.

She was against the killing of animals, she didn't eat meat. I guess she had enough meat. Everything was beautiful, she told me, we had all this beauty in the world and all we had to do was reach out and touch it, it was all there and all ours for the taking.

"You're right, Cecelia," I said. "Have another drink."

"It makes me giddy."

"What's wrong with a little bit of giddy?"

Cecelia crossed her legs again and her thighs flashed. They flashed way up high.

Bill, you can't use it now. You were a good poet, Bill, but what the hell, you left more behind than your writing. And your writing never had thighs and flanks like this.

Cecelia had another drink, then stopped. I kept going.

Where did all the women come from? The supply was endless. Each one of them was individual, different. Their pussies were different, their kisses were different, their breasts were different, but no man could drink them all, there were too many of them, crossing their legs, driving men mad. What a feast!

"I want to go to the beach. Will you take me to the beach, Hank?" Cecelia asked.

"Tonight?"

"No, not tonight. But sometime before I leave."

"All right."

Cecelia talked about how the American Indian had been abused. Then she told me that she wrote, but she never submitted it, she just kept a notebook. Bill had encouraged and helped her with some of her things. She'd helped Bill get through the university. Of course, the G.I. Bill had helped, too. And there had always been codeine, he had always been hooked on codeine. She'd threatened to leave him again and again, but it didn't help. Now-

"Drink this, Cecelia," I said, "it will help you forget."

I poured her a tall one.

"Oh, I couldn't drink all that!"

"Cross your legs higher. Let me see more of your legs."

"Bill never talked to me like that."

I continued to drink. Cecelia continued to talk. After a while I didn't listen. Midnight came and left.

"Listen, Cecelia, let's go to bed. I'm bombed."

I walked into the bedroom and undressed, got under the covers. I heard her walk by and go into the bathroom. I switched the bedroom light off. She came out soon and I felt her getting into the other side of the bed.

"Goodnight, Cecelia," I said.

I pulled her to me. She was naked. Jesus, I thought. We kissed.

She kissed very well. It was a long, hot one. We finished. "Cecelia?" "Yes?"

"I'll fuck you some other time." I rolled over and went to sleep.

79

Bobby and Valerie came by and I introduced everybody around.

"Valerie and I are going to take a vacation and rent rooms by the seashore in Manhattan Beach," said Bobby. "Why don't you guys come along? We could split the rent. There are two bedrooms."

"No, Bobby, I don't think so."

"Oh, Hank, please!" said Cecelia. "I just love the ocean! Hank, if we go down there I'll even drink with you. I promise!"

"All right, Cecelia."

"Fine," said Bobby. "We leave this evening. We'll pick you guys up around 6 pm. We'll have di

"That sounds real good," said Cecelia.

"Hank's fun to eat with," said Valerie. "Last time we went out with him we walked into this fancy place and he told the head waiter right off, 'I want cole slaw and french fries for my friends here! A double order of each, and don't water the drinks or I'll have your coat and tie!'"

"I can't wait!" said Cecelia.

Cecelia wanted to go for a constitutional around 2 pm. We walked through the court. She noticed the poinsettias. She walked right up to a bush and stuck her face into the flowers, caressing them with her fingers.

"Oh, they're so beautiful!"

"They're dying, Cecelia. Can't you see how shriveled they are? The smog is killing them."

We walked along under the palms.

"And there are birds everywhere! Hundreds of birds, Hank!"

"And dozens of cats."

We drove to Manhattan Beach with Bobby and Valerie, moved into our waterfront apartment and went out to eat. The di

We stopped for liquor, ice and smokes, then went back to the apartment. Her one drink had Cecelia giggling and talking and she was explaining that animals had souls too. Nobody challenged her opinion. It was possible, we knew. What we weren't sure of was if we had any.

80

We continued drinking. Cecelia had just one more and stopped.

"I want to go out and look at the moon and stars," she said. "It's so beautiful out!"

"All right, Cecelia."

She went outside by the swimming pool and sat in.a deck chair.

"No wonder Bill died," I said. "He starved. She never gives it away."

"She talked the same way about you at di

"Me and God don't always pick the same horse."

"You fucked her yet?" asked Bobby.

"No."

"What was Keesing like?"

"All right. But I really wonder how he stood being with her. Maybe the codeine and pills helped. Maybe she was like a big flower-child-nurse to him."

"Fuck it," said Bobby, "let's drink."

"Yeah. If I had to choose between drinking and fucking I think I'd have to stop fucking."

"Fucking can cause problems," said Valerie.

"When my wife is out fucking somebody else I put on my pyjamas, pull the covers up and go to sleep," said Bobby.

"He's cool," said Valerie.

"None of us quite know how to use sex, what to do with it," I said. "With most people sex is just a toy-wind it up and let it run."

"What about love?" asked Valerie.

"Love is all right for those who can handle the psychic overload. It's like trying to carry a full garbage can on your back over a rushing river of piss."

"Oh, it's not that bad!"

"Love is a form of prejudice. I have too many other prejudices."

Valerie went to the window.

"People are having fun, jumping into the pool, and she's out there looking at the moon."

"Her old man just died," said Bobby. "Give her a break."

I took my bottle and went to my bedroom. I undressed down to my shorts and went to bed. Nothing was ever in tune. People just blindly grabbed at whatever there was: communism, health foods, zen, surfing, ballet, hypnotism, group encounters, orgies, biking, herbs, Catholicism, weight-lifting, travel, withdrawal, vegetarianism, India, painting, writing, sculpting, composing, conducting, backpacking, yoga, copulating, gambling, drinking, hanging around, frozen yogurt, Beethoven, Bach, Buddha, Christ, TM, H, carrot juice, suicide, handmade suits, jet travel, New York City, and then it all evaporated and fell apart. People had to find things to do while waiting to die. I guess it was nice to have a choice.

I took my choice. I raised the fifth of vodka and drank it straight. The Russians knew something.

The door opened and Cecelia walked in. She looked good with her low-slung powerful body. Most American women were either too thin or without stamina. If you gave them rough use something broke in them and they became neurotic and their men became sport freaks or alcoholics or obsessed with cars. The Norwegians, the Icelanders, the Fi