Women

They lose their sense of humor. They become nervous, psychotic bores. They even become killers.

Dee Dee was gone 2 or 3 hours. I looked at some t. v. and typed 2 or 3 poems on a portable typer. Love poems-about Lydia. I hid them in my suitcase. I drank some more beer.

Then Dee Dee knocked and entered. "Oh, I had the most wonderful time! First I went on the glass-bottom boat. We could see all the different fish in the sea, everything! Then I found another boat that takes people out to where their boats are moored. This young man let me ride for hours for a dollar! His back was sunburned and I rubbed it with lotion. He was terribly burned. We took people out to their boats. And you should have seen the people on those boats! Mostly old men, craggy old men, with young girls. The young girls all wore boots and were drunk and on dope, strung-out, moaning. Some of the old guys had young boys, but most of them had young girls, sometimes two or three or four young girls. Every boat stank of dope and booze and lechery. It was wonderful!"

"That does sound good. I wish I had your knack of turning up interesting people."

"You can go tomorrow. You can ride all day for a dollar."

"I'll pass."

"Did you write today?"

"A little."

"Was it good?"

"You never know until 18 days later."

Dee Dee went over and looked at the love birds, talked to them. She was a good woman. I liked her. She was really concerned about me, she wanted me to do well, she wanted me to write well, she wanted me to fuck well, look well. I could feel it. It was fine. Maybe we could fly to Hawaii together some day. I walked up behind her and kissed her on the right ear, down by the lobe.

"Oh, Hank," she said.

Back in L.A., after our week in Catalina, we were sitting around my place one evening, which was unusual. It was late at night. We were lying on my bed, naked, when the phone rang in the next room.

It was Lydia.

"Hank?"

"Yes?"

"Where've you been?"

"Catalina."

"With her?"

"Yes."

"Listen, after you told me about her I got mad. I had an affair. It was with a homosexual. It was awful."

"I've missed you, Lydia."

"I want to come back to L.A. "

"That'd be good."

"If I come back will you give her up?"

"She's a good woman, but if you come back I'll give her up."

"I'm coming back. I love you, old man."

"I love you too."

We went on talking. I don't know how long we talked. When it was over I walked back into the bedroom. Dee Dee seemed asleep. "Dee Dee?" I asked. I lifted one of her arms. It felt very limp. The flesh felt like rubber. "Stop joking, Dee Dee, I know you're not asleep." She didn't move. I looked around and noticed her bottle of sleeping pills was empty. It had been full. I had tried those pills. Just one of them put you to sleep, only it was more like being knocked out and buried underground.

"You took the pills…"

"I… don't… care… you're going back to her… I don't… care…"

I ran into the kitchen and got the dishpan, came back and placed it on the floor by the bed. Then I pulled Dee Dee's head and shoulders over the edge and stuck my fingers down her throat. She vomited. I lifted her up and let her breathe a moment, then repeated the process. I did it again and again. Dee Dee kept vomiting. Once, as I lifted her up, her teeth popped out. They lay there on the sheet, uppers and lowers.

"Oooh… my teeth," she said. Or tried to say.

"Don't worry about your teeth."

I stuck my fingers down her throat again. Then I pulled her back.

"I don'," she said, "wans ya to seee my teethhhs…"

"They're all right, Dee Dee. They're really not bad."

"Ooooh…"

She revived long enough to put her teeth back in. "Take me home," she said, "I want to go home."

"I'll stay with you. I won't leave you alone tonight." "But you will leave me, finally?" "Let's get dressed," I said.

Valentino would have kept both Lydia and Dee Dee. That's why he died so young.

20

Lydia returned and found a nice apartment in the Burbank area. She seemed to care a lot more for me than before we parted. "My husband had this big cock and that's all he had. He had no personality, no vibes. Just a big cock and he thought that was all he had to have. But Christ he was dull! With you, I keep getting vibes… this electric feedback, it never stops." We were on the bed together.

"And I didn't even know he had a big cock because his cock was the first one I had ever seen." She was examining me closely. "I thought they were all like that."

" Lydia…"

"What is it?"

"I've got to tell you something."

"What is it?"

"I've got to go see Dee Dee."

"Go see Dee Dee?"

"Don't be fu

"You said it was all over."

"It is. I just don't want to let her down too hard. I want to explain to her what happened. People are too cold with each other. I don't want her back, I just want to try to explain what happened, so she'll understand."

"You want to fuck her."

"No, I don't want to fuck her. I hardly wanted to fuck her when I was with her. I just want to explain."

"I don't like it. It sounds… icky… to me."

"Let me do it. Please. I just want to clear things up. I'll be back soon."

"All right. But make it soon."

I got into the Volks, cut over to Fountain, went a few miles, then took a north at Bronson and cut up to where the rents were high. I parked outside, got out. I walked up the long flight of stairs and rang the bell. Bianca answered the door. I remembered one night she had answered the door naked and I had grabbed her and as we were kissing Dee Dee came down and said, "What the hell's going on here?"

This time it wasn't like that. Bianca said, "What do you want?"

"I want to see Dee Dee. I want to talk to her."

"She's sick. Really sick. I don't think you should get to see her after the way you've treated her. You're a real grade-A son of a bitch."

"I just want to talk to her a while, to explain things."

"All right. She's in her bedroom."

I walked down the hall and into the bedroom. Dee Dee was on the bed in just her panties. One arm was flung over her eyes. Her breasts looked good. There was an empty pint of whiskey by her bed and a pan on the floor. The pan smelled of vomit and booze.

"Dee Dee…"

She lifted her arm. "What? Hank, you've come back?"

"No, wait, I just want to talk to you…"

"Oh Hank, I've missed you something awful. I've been nearly crazy, the pain has been awful…"

"I want to make it easier. That's why I came by. I may be stupid, but I don't believe in outright cruelty…"

"You don't know how I've felt…"

"I know. I've been there."

"Want a drink?" she pointed.

I picked up the empty pint and sadly put it down again. "There's too much coldness in the world," I told her. "If people would only talk things out together it would help."

"Stay with me, Hank. Don't go back to her, please. Please. I've lived long enough to know how to be a good woman. You know that. I'd be good to you and for you."

" Lydia has a grip on me. I can't explain it."

"She's a flirt. She's impulsive. She'll leave you."

"Maybe that's some of the attraction."

"You want a whore. You're afraid of love."

"You might be right."

"Just kiss me. Would it be too much to ask you to kiss me?"

"No."

I stretched out next to her. We embraced. Dee Dee's mouth smelled of vomit. She kissed, we kissed and she held me. I broke away as gently as I could.

"Hank," she said, "Stay with me! Don't go back to her! Look, I have nice legs!"

Dee Dee lifted one of her legs and showed it to me.

"And I have nice ankles too! Look!"

She showed me her ankles.