Rogue Moon

“No,” Hawks said. “But I don’t think you believe it’s true. You think it’s something you can use because it sounds plausible. It does. It’s true. And any time you grow afraid that a man may be about to find it out, you try to divert his attention with the only thing about you that you can imagine he’d be interested in. I think you’re afraid of being in a world full of creatures called men. No matter how hard you say you try not to be that way, you always have to cut men down to your size.” He took the handkerchief out of his breast pocket and wiped his mouth awkwardly. “I’m sorry,” he said. “But that’s the way it seems to me. Co

Her fingers dug at the dress fabric over her tensed thighs. “You’re scared, Hawks,” she said. “You’re scared of a woman, just like so many of them are.”

“Would you blame me? I’m frightened of many things. People who don’t want to be people are among them.”

“Why don’t you just shut up, Hawks? What do you do, go through life making speeches? You know what you are, Hawks? You’re a creep. A bore and a creep. A first-class bore. I don’t want you around any more. I don’t want to ever see you again.”

“I’m sorry you don’t want to be any different, Claire. Tell me something. You almost succeeded, a moment ago. You came very close. It would be foolish for me to deny it. If you had done what you tried to do with me, would I still be a creep? And what would you be, making up to a man you despise, for safety’s sake?”

“Oh, get out of here, Hawks!”

“Does my being a creep make me incompetent to see things?”

“When are you going to stop trying? I don’t want any of your stinking help!”

“I didn’t think you did. I said so. That’s really all I’ve said.” He turned away toward the house. “I’m going to see if Al will let me use his phone. I need a ride away from here. I’m getting too old to walk.”

“Go to hell, Hawks!” she cried out, following him at his own pace, a yard or two behind him.

Hawks walked away more quickly, his legs scissoring stiffly, his arms swinging through short arcs.

“Did you hear me? Get lost! Go on, get out of here!”

Hawks came to the kitchen door and opened it. Co

“Just passed out, that’s all,” Co

Barker’s forearm whipped out, and his fist slapped into Co

Co

“Leave him alone!” Claire screamed from behind Hawks. She clawed at Hawks’ shoulder until he was out of the doorway, and then she raked at Barker, who jumped back with his hand clutching the furrows on his arm. “Get away from him!” she shouted into Barker’s face, crouching with her feet apart and her quivering hands raised. She snatched up a towel, wet a corner of it in the sink, and went to Co

She bent against Co

Co

“No, no, honey,” she chided him. “No, hold still, honey! Don’t worry. I need you, Co

Barker said stiffly, “All right, Claire-that’s it. I want your things out of here tomorrow.” His mouth turned down in revulsion. “I never thought you’d turn carrion-eater.”

Hawks turned his back and found a telephone on the wall. He dialed with clumsy haste. “This — this is Ed,” he said, his throat constricted. “I wonder if you could possibly drive out to that corner on the highway, where the store is, and pick me up. Yes, I — I need a ride in, again. Thank you. Yes, I’ll be there, waiting.”

He hung up, and as he turned back, Barker said to him, his expression dazed, “How did you do it, Hawks?” He almost cried, “How did you manage this?”

“Will you be at the laboratory tomorrow?” Hawks said wearily.

Barker looked at him through his glittering black eyes. He flung out an arm toward Claire and Co

CHAPTER SIX

“You look tired,” Elizabeth said as the studio’s overhead fluorescents tittered into light and Hawks sat down on the couch.

He shook his head. “I haven’t been working very hard. It’s the same old story — when I was a boy on the farm, I’d wear myself out with physical labor, and I’d have no trouble getting to sleep. I’d wake up in the morning, and I’d feel wonderful; I’d be rested, and full of energy, and I’d know exactly what I had ahead of me that day, and I’d do it. Even when I was tired, I felt right; I felt as if what I’d done was proper. Even when I couldn’t keep my eyes open after supper, my body was relaxed, and happy. I don’t know if that’s understandable if you haven’t felt it, but that’s how it was.

“But now I just sit around and think. I can’t sleep at night, and I wake up in the morning feeling worse than I did the day before. It takes me hours before I don’t feel as if my body was cranky with me. I sometimes think it gets better during the day only because I go numb, not because the crankiness stops. I never feel right. I’m always full of aches and pains that come from nowhere. I look at myself in the mirror, and a sick man looks back at me — the kind of a man I wouldn’t trust to do his share, if we were on a job together.”

Elizabeth raised an eyebrow. “I think you could use some coffee.”

He grimaced. “I’d rather have tea, if you have some.”

“I think so. I’ll see.” She crossed the studio to the curtained-off corner where the hotplate and the cupboard were.

“Or — Look,” he called after her, “I’m being silly. Coffee would be fine. If you don’t have any tea.”

They sat on the couch together, drinking tea. Elizabeth put her cup down on the table. “What happened tonight?” she asked.

Hawks shook his head. “I’m not entirely sure. Woman trouble, for one thing.”

Elizabeth grunted. “Oh.”

“Not the usual kind,” Hawks said.

“I didn’t think it would be.”