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Illinois
Illinois is “The Land of Lincoln,” and the memory of “Honest Abe” is so deeply revered there that as recently as 1983 he was elected lieutenant governor. Illinois is also the nation’s largest soybean-producing state, although nobody knows what happens to the soybeans after they’re grown. You never see them for sale. We think the farmers just harvest them and throw them away.
The largest city in Illinois is, of course, Chicago, which proudly refers to itself as “The City with a Great Big Butt.” This dynamic metropolis began as a tiny trading post in the 1600’s, when trappers would paddle canoes filled with animal pelts down the Chicago River, then throw them into Lake Michigan, because by then they smelled awful. During World War II scientists started the first controlled nuclear reaction at the University of Chicago. At least it has been under control so far. Some days it gets a little frisky, which is why a lot of smart Illinois residents also maintain residences in Guam. Today Chicago boasts the Sears Tower, which is so tall that occupants on the top floor sometimes have to phone the street level to find out what the weather’s like “down there”! These occupants have had a lot to drink.
Indiana
Indiana is a country in Southeast Asia consisting of more than 13,600
islands. No! Wait! We’re looking at the encyclopedia article for Indonesia. Indiana is located in the Midwest and consists of less than 13,600 islands. It is called “The Hoosier State,” after the sound that pigs make when they sneeze. Another dynamic activity that occurs there is the exciting Indianapolis 500, where each year the world’s top racing-car drivers roar around the legendary Indianapolis Speedway, again and again and again and again and again and again and again and again and again and again and again and again and again and again and again and again and again and again and again until the excitement and tension become so great that you have to change the cha
Iowa
Iowa’s Official State Motto is “You Bet,” which is what everybody there automatically says in response to any question:
PREACHER: Do you take this man to be your lawful wedded husband, even if he gets sick, or becomes poor, or brings home a dog that throws up a semidigested mole head in your lingerie drawer?
IOWA BRIDE: You bet.
Iowa produces dynamic quantities of pork. The other major industry is making fun of people from Mi
Kansas
Although it is now covered with agriculture, Kansas was at one time very historic. It was the on-scene location of the “Wild West,” where “longhorns” riding “six-shooters” used to “rustle up” some “varmints.” This era eventually ended due to a shortage of quotation marks, but Kansans are still proud of their state’s rough-and-tumble tradition, and will often greet a stranger by warmly breaking a chair over his head. Kansas also contains manufacturing and tumbleweeds, which are plants that form themselves into giant balls that roll across the prairie and burst into your motel room at night, which is why the American Automobile Association recommends that you always sleep with a weed whacker.
Kentucky
Kentucky is best known as the state where sleek racehorses drink bourbon whiskey and smoke the legendary “bluegrass” tobacco, then compete for the honor of wearing the famous “Kentucky Derby.”
Kentucky also leads the nation in the production of bituminous coal, which is especially valuable because it has two tuminouses. The coal industry is very tourist-oriented, and members of the public are welcome to strip vast quantities of irreplaceable topsoil and take it home with them. Another “must-see” in Kentucky is Fort Knox, which offers guided tours daily from nine A.M. until five P.m. to all visitors who make it across the mine field. You may also want to visit Mammoth Cave, which is an incredibly beautiful and dynamic natural formation, although unfortunately you can’t actually see anything because it’s located underground. The Kentucky State Pruning Implement is shears.
Louisiana
Louisiana was discovered by the Cajuns, a dynamic group of people who came down from Canada and decided to stay after they forgot where they had parked. This kind of thing happens a lot in Louisiana, especially in the state capital, New Orleans, where the Official Motto is: “Laissez les bons temps rouler.” (“Look out, I’m about to throw up.”) New Orleans is a wide-open town, a town where there is gambling and cursing and heavy drinking and naked dancing and wild orgiastic sex. And that’s just in the police station. The rest of the city is even looser, especially the French Quarter, which is so decadent that if the Reverend Jerry Falwell were to merely walk down the length of Bourbon Street, he would emerge at the other end with an overpowering desire to purchase leather underwear (Assuming he doesn’t have some already). New Orleans also boasts a number of historic sites, the major one being Nick G. Castrogiova
CORRECTION:
We have been informed that New Orleans is not the state capital of Louisiana. New Orleans is the state capital of Utah. We regret the error.
Maine
During the warm season (August 8 and 9), Maine is a true “vacation paradise,” offering visitors a chance to jump into crystal-clear mountain lakes and see if they can get back out again before their bodily tissue is frozen as solid as a supermarket turkey. This dynamic climate has produced a hardy stock of local residents who at first seem a bit “standoffish,” although when you take the time to get to know them, you will discover that many of them are actually dead. A major tourist attraction in Maine is Ke