The First Snowdrop

"Not until you have told me what you meant just now," Merrick said. He resisted the pull of her fingers and still held her head firmly cupped in his hands. She was not allowed to look away. "Why do you wish to live with me? I thought you could hardly wait for the day when I would be gone out of your life forever."

Her cheeks still felt hot. "I am tired," she said. "I am not myself, Alexander. Please forget what I said. They were very foolish words."

"Tell me now," he said quietly, "while you are still looking at me, that you did not mean a word of what you said, that you wish me to go out of your life now within the next few minutes."

She looked silently back into his eyes until his face blurred again. "Let me go, Alex," she said.

"Tell me."

"I ca

"And if I tell you that I do not wish to be free of you?" he asked.

If only she could see his face clearly! "No," she said, "you must not feel any obligation to me. I know that you married me against your will. I know that I am plain and dull and that I do not fit in with your way of life. I shall be happy here, and I shall have Catherine."

"But Catherine needs a papa," he reminded her. Somehow his forehead was resting against hers.

"Yes," she said lamely.

"A

Her hands came shakily up to the buttons of his waistcoat, which she began methodically to undo. "No," she said. "Don't do this, Alex. It is sometimes cruel to try to be kind. Go now. Just leave me here and go. Please." She started to do the buttons up again.

"I love you, A

"No, you don't," she said, and realizing that she was about to undo his waistcoat buttons yet again, she splayed her hands across his chest.

"Now, that I ca

"But you ca

"I have to admit that that is true, love," he said. "I would not have chosen you, and I would have shown a great deal of foolishness in not doing so. I did not love you when I married you, A

"Oh," A

He laughed, "Is that all you can say in a moment of such high tension?" he asked. "A

"Alex," she said, "I have tried and tried to hate you. Sometimes, when you are not here, I almost succeed for five whole minutes at a time. But almost every hour of every day I have to admit to myself that I have loved you since I first set eyes on you. I am sure that I would live without you if you were to leave now. I mean, I do not suppose I really would die of a broken heart or do anything as romantic as that. But, oh, Alex, I feel as if I would die. I mean, I would not want to live."

He clasped her to him, and her arms went up around his neck again. "Last night," he said, "I loved you every moment."

"And I you."

"And last year," he said. "When I started Catherine in you, I did so with love."

"Oh, Alex," she said, and when she raised her face to his, it was glowing and her eyes sparkling, "yes, of course, that is right. Oh, yes, and all our children will begin in the same way, will they not?"

He laughed against her hair. "Yes, love, all of them," he agreed. "But let us put off the delight of pla

"Oh, yes," she said, smiling up at him.

"Soon?"

"Yes, Alex."

"Now?"

"I think Dodd would be scandalized if we both disappeared upstairs so close to luncheon time," A

"Let's scandalize Dodd, shall we?" he suggested.

"Yes, Alex."

He hugged her to him again and rocked her against him. Then he lowered his head to hers and kissed her deeply, fondling her with his hands in a way that would indeed have scandalized Dodd and the whole household staff if they had seen.

Then they turned and, with arms twined around each other's waists, set off in the direction of the house.

The tiny snowdrop, the first, frail promise of spring, bloomed forgotten in the grass behind them.