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They had never intruded into each other’s lives. It was remarkable that they had been such good friends for years without knowing very much about each other’s past-though, of course, Susa
“I saw someone in the Abbey,” she said. “Two people, actually, though I was not sure of the identity of the other person.”
“Two people you knew?” Claudia asked.
“A long time ago.” Susa
Claudia said nothing.
“He took his own life,” Susa
“Ah, you poor dear,” Claudia said softly. “I did not know that.”
“I suppose my existence was not enough to make him want to live,” Susa
She was grateful that Claudia said nothing for a while. She had not even fully realized how much she had pitied herself all these years, how much she had resented the fact that her father had chosen death rather than her, even though she thought she understood at least part of his reason for doing what he had done. He had always been an affectionate father, though he had been content to let her grow up in the nursery with Edith and not see her for more than a few minutes in a day and sometimes not at all.
“And the person you saw this evening, the owner of the house, would make no provision for you either?” Claudia asked at last. “That is why you ran away, Susa
“Lady Markham,” Susa
She had become defensive on that issue lately.
“Of course he was,” Claudia said. “I knew from the moment of your arrival in Bath that you were a lady, Susa
“I was on my way from my bedchamber to the nursery,” Susa
She paused and drew a deep breath, which she expelled on a sigh.
“I believe I can still remember her exact words,” she said. “They are burned into my memory. The church has washed its hands of him, of course, she said. He committed a mortal sin when he took his own life. He will have to be buried in unconsecrated ground. And whatever are we to do with Susa
She had fled-from the nursery and from the house.
“My father was not buried in the churchyard,” she said, “and I did not even stay to see what they actually did with him. I left him as he had left me and somehow found my way to London.”
“And now Lady Markham is in Bath,” Claudia said.
“Yes.” Susa
But Claudia ignored her question. She also was gazing into the fire.
“There is nothing worse, is there,” she said, “than a past that has never been fully dealt with. One can convince oneself that it is all safely in the past and forgotten about, but the very fact that we can tell ourselves that it is forgotten proves that it is not.”
Susa
But she did wonder about Claudia. Was there something unresolved in her past? Was there something unresolved in everyone’s past? Was memory always as much of a burden as it could sometimes be a blessing?
Claudia looked up and smiled.
“When I saw your face as you stepped into the room,” she said, “I was convinced that Viscount Whitleaf must have put that look there. I was quite prepared to march down to the kitchen, avail myself of Cook’s rolling pin, and stride off in pursuit of him.”
“Oh, Claudia,” Susa
Claudia went very still.
“And?…” she said.
“I said no, of course,” Susa
“Did you?” Claudia asked. “Why?”
“He is the sort of man…oh, I do not know quite how to describe him,” Susa
“And did he?” Claudia asked, looking at her with disconcertingly keen eyes. “Raise expectations in you?”
“No,” Susa
“Do you love him?” Claudia asked.
Susa
“Love has nothing to do with anything,” she said. “I said no and I meant no. It would not have been a happy marriage, Claudia, for either of us. Love on one side would only have made it worse-for me and perhaps for him too.”
“I know you are feeling weak and vulnerable tonight,” Claudia said after a few silent moments, “but in reality you are a very strong person, Susa
Susa
“He is coming here tomorrow afternoon,” she said. “He wants me to go walking with him. Perhaps I ought to have said no to that invitation too after being away from school this evening.”