Recursion

When her time was up, Eva rose from her seat and walked to the door.

“Eva?”

“What?”

“I didn’t say anything,” said Doctor Cevier.

Eva took a bath. It was something about the Center: things that she used to accomplish in a few minutes in the outside world could fill up a whole day here. You could spend an hour making a cup of tea; you could spend two hours deciding whether or not to have a biscuit with it.

The bathroom didn’t have a lock on the door. Every so often a nurse would come in to look for a towel or to check that the water was warm enough. Eva gave them a wry look as they smiled apologetically at her. She had taken four months pla

The sound of Alison, Nicolas, and Katie returning caused a bit of a stir. She heard Alison’s voice first, slurred and indignant.

“So what if we’re drunk? It’s a free country, isn’t it?”

Eva walked into the corridor to find Alison squaring up to Nurse Dyer. The nurse was small; she had to tilt her head back to gaze into Alison’s eyes, yet she stood her ground without heat or concern.

“No, Alison,” she said gently, “it’s not a free country. Not for you anymore. Anyway, didn’t you stop to think about poor Katie? Didn’t you think about her feelings, having to mix with all those strangers?”

Katie had wrapped her arms tightly around herself. She gazed down at the floor, silent. While Nurse Dyer remained distracted by Alison, Nicolas sidled up to Eva.

“Hello, Eva,” he whispered, his breath sweet with the smell of alcohol. “You should have come with us. The people in the pub in the village buy drinks and leave them on the table for us. They kept saying they were on our side. They love to get one over on Social Care and these bastards at the Center.”

“Oh. I thought the Center was here to help us.”

Eva pulled her white robe closer around her chest and walked into her room. Nicolas unthinkingly followed her in.

“Excuse me,” Eva said. “I’d like to get changed.”

Nicolas’ eyes widened at the sudden realization of what he had done.

“Oh, I’m sorry. I didn’t realize. I just wanted to talk,” he stammered. Eva gazed at him as he stumbled to the door. She knew he didn’t mean anything. He was just a sad geek who didn’t know how to get along with people. Just like her, really. Her attitude softened.

“That’s okay,” she said. “Look, let me get changed and then we can talk. Why don’t you go to the common room and wait for me?”

Nicolas smiled delightedly.

“Okay. I’ll meet you there.”

The common room was a profoundly depressing place. Like everything else in the Center, it was just too big for its sparse contents: a few boxes containing board games, scratched video consoles, several chipped mugs half full of cold coffee standing between the legs of the comfy chairs that faced the viewing screen. The shabby items were lost in the cheerless orange expanse of the room.

Two patients sat facing each other across a low table, playing cards with a Braille deck, calling out the values of their hands as they laid them down. They both twitched and stuttered as they played; one kept pausing as if to listen to sounds in the room. He turned nervously in Eva’s direction.

“It’s okay,” she reassured him, “I’m a patient too.”

He seemed to relax a little. Eva felt sick. Everyone knew that stealth weapons were a terrible thing, but it had turned into a sort of game. Those in power denied their existence; people like Eva waved the evidence in their faces and watched them squirm. She remembered her arguments with DeForest and felt embarrassed. Laser weapons mounted on planes which could blind pedestrians. Targeted psychopathic drugs. Both were horrible concepts. Here was the reality: Eva was looking at the human cost of such weapons.

Nicolas was sitting on a chair looking out through the broad window at the wide lawn leading across to the sparse woodland that surrounded the Center. She could see the tops of the limes bobbing in the breeze.

“Hello, Nicolas,” Eva said.

“Eva.” Nicolas blushed. “Look, I’m sorry about earlier. I didn’t mean anything. I just wanted to talk. I didn’t think about you being, well…just getting out of the bath, and I…”

“That’s okay.”

“No. Thank you, I mean…You’re just being polite, but honestly, I didn’t mean anything. We’re not supposed to have relationships while we’re in here, you know, so I wouldn’t have wanted…well, not that you’re…”

“That’s okay, Nicolas. I understand. You just weren’t thinking.”

“I mean…I have enough trouble just getting out of bed some days. I need to get my life sorted out before I even think of…not that I’m saying you’re not pretty, but…”

Eva sat down in one of the comfy chairs.

“What’s happened to Alison?” she said, interrupting Nicolas’ monologue.

“Oh, she stormed out of the building. She said she was going back to the pub. She’ll be looking for, well…”

He looked embarrassed. Eva made no comment.

“It’s a pity Nurse Reed isn’t here. She could calm her down. Nurse Reed knows how to handle Alison.”

“Oh? Which one is Nurse Reed? I still haven’t learned all their names.”

“She’s the one with the short red hair. You know, the French-looking cut? It’s her week off.”

Nicolas looked around the room, searching for something else to say. Eva noted the frayed trouser cuffs that came too far up his leg, the greying dress shirt that he habitually wore with the collar buttoned down. She broke the silence first.

“What did Nurse Dyer mean when she said that you shouldn’t have taken Katie with you?”

“Katie gets nervous around people. She can’t handle being spoken to by strangers.” Nicolas gave a yelping laugh. “She’s not even very good at being spoken to by her friends.”

“Oh.”

Nicolas lapsed into silence. He seemed to be struggling with what to say next, desperate to fill the conversational gap.

Eva spoke for him. “She looks familiar, doesn’t she? Katie, I mean. I’m sure I’ve seen her somewhere before.”

Nicolas gulped once, twice.

“Well, erm, well.” He gulped again and changed the subject. “What about you, Eva? We all saw you the night that you were brought in. I’ve never seen anybody with so many drug feeds attached. What had you done?”

“Tried to commit suicide. I almost succeeded, too.” Eva heard the pride in her own voice.

“Suicide? That’s impressive. Social Care usually picks up the signs well in advance. Why did you do it?”

“I’d rather not talk about that.”

“Fair enough,” Nicolas said. “Still, suicide. How did you arrange it?”

“Loaded my teddy bear with Panacetamol over the course of several months and then took them all at once. I thought nobody would think it odd that I’d fallen asleep on a train. Obviously someone did.”

Nicolas frowned. “Panacetamol? I didn’t think they could reverse that. I thought that once you’d taken enough that was it. All they could do was sit back and watch you die.”

Eva shrugged. “It would appear not.”

Nicolas placed one hand on her shoulder in what was probably meant to be a supportive gesture.

“Never mind that now. Look, we all stick together in this place. If you ever feel bad, come and see us. We’ll try to help.”

Eva managed not to shudder at the feel of Nicolas’ hand on her shoulder. He doesn’t mean anything, she thought, he’s just socially inept. She struggled to hold on to that thought as his gaze wandered down to her breasts again.

In the corner, the blind card players came to the end of a game. One of them twitched and gazed sightlessly around the room as the other fumblingly shuffled the deck.

Eva had slept with her curtains open since she had come to the Center. It was nice to look out into darkness and not the orange glow that filled the night back in South Street. As she lay down, she heard the voice.