Monstrous Regiment

“William, his name was,” said Jackrum.

“Your sweetheart?”

“Yes.”

“And you followed him into the army…”

“Oh, yeah. Same old story. I was a big strong girl, and… well, you can see the picture. The artist did his best, but I was never an oil painting. Barely a watercolour, really. Where I came from, what a man looked for in a future wife was someone who could lift a pig under each arm. And a couple of days later I was lifting a pig under each arm, helping my dad, and one of my clogs came off in the muck and the ol’ man was yelling at me and I thought: the hell with this, Willie never yelled. Got hold of some men’s clothes, never you mind how, cut my hair right off, kissed the Duchess, and was a Chosen Man within three months.”

“What’s that?”

“It’s what we used to call a corporal,” said Jackrum. “Chosen Man. Yeah, I smiled about that, too. And I was on my way. The army’s a piece of piss compared to ru

“How long ago was that, sarge?”

“Couldn’t say, really. I swear I don’t know how old I am, and that’s the truth,” said Jackrum. “Lied about my age so often I ended up believing me.” She began, very carefully, to transfer the chewing tobacco into the new bag.

“And your young man?” said Polly quietly.

“Oh, we had great times, great times,” said Jackrum, stopping for a moment to stare at nothing. “He never got promoted on account of his stutter, but I had a good shouty voice and officers like that. But Willie never minded, not even when I made it to sergeant. And then he got killed at Sepple, right next to me.”

“I’m sorry.”

“You don’t have to be, you didn’t kill him,” said Jackrum evenly. “But I stepped over his body and skewered the bugger that did. Wasn’t his fault. Wasn’t my fault. We were soldiers. And then a few months later I had a bit of a surprise, and he was called William, too, just like his father. Good job I had a bit of leave, eh? Me gran raised him for me, put him to a trade as an armourer over in Scritz. Good trade, that. No one kills a good armourer. They tell me he looks just like his dad. A captain I met once had bought a bloody good sword off him. Showed it to me, not knowin’ the hist’ry, o’ course. Damn good sword. It had scrollwork on the hilt and everything, very classy. He’s married with four kids now, I heard. Got a carriage and pair, servants, big house… yeah, I see you’re paying attention…”

“Wazzer—well, Wazzer and the Duchess said—”

“Yeah, yeah, they talked about Scritz, and a sword,” said Jackrum. “That’s when I knew it wasn’t just me watchin’ over you lads. I knew you’d survive. The old girl needed you.”

“So you’ve got to go there, sarge.”

“Got to? Who says? I’ve served the old girl the whole of my life, and she’s got no call on me now. I’m my own man, always have been.”

“Are you, sarge?” said Polly.

“Are you crying, Perks?”

“Well… it’s a bit sad, sarge.”

“Oh, I dare say I sobbed a bit too, once in a while,” said Jackrum, still tucking the tobacco into the new pouch. “But when all’s said and done, I’ve had a good life. Saw the cavalry break at the Battle of Slomp. I was part of the Thin Red Line that turned aside the Heavy Brigade at Sheep’s Drift, I saved the Imperial flag from four real bastards at Raladan, and I’ve been to a lot of foreign countries and met some very interesting people, who I mostly subsequently killed before they could do me over good and proper. Lost a lover, still got a son… there’s many a woman who’s faced worse, believe me.”

“And… you spotted other girls…”

“Hah! Became a kind of hobby, really. Most of ’em were frightened little things, ru

“—a pair of socks,” said Polly.

“Yeah, that sort of thing,” said Jackrum, gri

“And they never suspected?”

“What, suspect Jolly Jack Jackrum, so full of rum and vinegar?” said Jackrum, the old evil grin coming back. “Jack Jackrum, who could stop a bar fight by belchin’? No, sir! I dare say some of ’em suspected something, maybe, I dare say they worked out that there was something going on somewhere, but I was just the big fat sergeant who knew everyone and everything and drank everything, too.”

Polly dabbed at her eyes. “What are you going to do now, then, if you don’t go to Scritz?”

“Oh, I’ve got a bit put by,” said Jackrum. “More than a bit, in point of actual fact. Pillage, plunder, loot… it all adds up, what ever you call it. I didn’t piss it all up against a wall like the other lads, right? I expect I can remember most of the bleedin’ places I buried it. Always thought I might open an i

Polly let that pass, but said: “You don’t want to go back and see your grandchildren?”

“Wouldn’t wish meself on him, lad,” said Jackrum firmly. “Wouldn’t dare. My boy’s a well-respected man in the town! What’ve I got to offer? He’ll not want some fat ol’ biddy banging on his back door and gobbing baccy juice all over the place and telling him she’s his mother!”

Polly looked at the fire for a moment, and felt the idea creep into her mind. “What about a distinguished sergeant major, shiny with braid, loaded with medals, arriving at the front door in a grand coach and telling him he’s his father?” she said.

Jackrum stared.

“Tides of war, and all that,” Polly went on, mind suddenly racing. “Young love. Duty calls. Families scattered. Hopeless searching. Decades pass. Fond memories. Then… oh, an overheard conversation in a bar, yeah, that’d work. Hope springs. A new search. Greasing palms. The recollections of old women. At last, an address—”

“What’re you saying, Perks?”

“You’re a liar, sarge,” said Polly. “Best I’ve ever heard. One last lie pays for all! Why not? You could show him the locket. You could tell him about the girl you left behind you…”

Jackrum looked away, but said: “You’re a shining bastard of a thinker, Perks. And where would I get a grand coach, anyway?”

“Oh, sarge! Today? There are… men in high places who’ll give you anything you ask for, right now. You know that. Especially if it means they’d see the back of you. You never put the bite on them for anything much. If I was you, sarge, I’d cash in a few favours while you can. That’s the Ins-and-Outs, sarge. Take the cheese while it’s there, ’cos kissin’ don’t last.”

Jackrum took a deep, long breath. “I’ll think about it, Perks. Now you push off, all right?”

Polly stood up. “Think hard, sarge, eh? Like you said, anyone who’s got anyone left is ahead of the game right now. Four grandchildren? I’d be a proud kid if I had a grandad who could spit tobacco juice far enough to hit a fly on the opposite wall.”