Monstrous Regiment

“That I can understand,” said Polly. So are we, she thought.

Angua stopped by a heavy, studded door. “He’s in here,” she said, producing a key and turning it in the lock. “I’ll go back and chat to the others. Come and find me when you’re ready…”

Polly stepped inside, heart pounding, and there was Paul. And there was a buzzard, on a perch by the open window. And on the wall, where Paul was working so intensely that his tongue was sticking out of the corner of his mouth and he hadn’t even noticed the door opening, was another buzzard, flying in the heart of the sunrise.

Right now, Polly could forgive Ankh-Morpork anything. Someone had found Paul a box of coloured chalks.

The long day got longer. She had a kind of power. They all did. People gave them space, watched them. The fighting had stopped and they were the cause and no one knew exactly why.

There were lighter moments. They might have power, but General Froc gave the orders. And General Froc might give the orders, but it was permissible to suppose that it was Sergeant-major Jackrum who anticipated them.

And perhaps that was why Shufti asked Polly and Tonker to go with her, and they were ushered into a room where a couple of guards stood on either side of a sheepish young man called Joh

He also had a black eye.

“This the one?” said Major Clogston, who was leaning against the wall eating an apple. “The general has asked me to tell you that there will be a dowry of five hundred crowns, with the army’s compliments.”

Joh

“No,” she said at last, turning away. “That’s not him.”

Joh

“I’m afraid he’s the only candidate,” said Clogston. “We’ve got any amount of earrings, heads of fair hair, blue eyes and Joh

“Positive,” said Shufti, still staring at the boy. “My Joh

Clogston walked over and lowered her voice. “In that case, uh, the general did say, informally, that a marriage certificate, a ring and a widow’s pension could be arranged,” she said.

“Can she do that?” whispered Polly.

“For one of you? Today? You’ll be amazed what can be done,” said Clogston. “Don’t think too badly of her. She means well. She’s a very practical man.”

“No,” said Shufti. “I… it’s… well, no. Thank you, but no.”

“Are you sure?” said Polly.

“Positive,” said Shufti, looking defiant. Since she was not naturally a defying kind of person it was not quite the look that she thought it was and it ought to have been, having overtones of haemorrhoid sufferer, but the effort was there.

Clogston stepped back. “Well, if you’re certain, private? Fair enough, then. Take that man away, sergeant.”

“Just a moment,” said Shufti. She walked over to the bewildered Joh

Polly held out her hand to Clogston, who shook it and smiled. There had been another little victory, of sorts. If the landslide is big enough, even square pebbles will roll.

Polly headed back to the rather larger cell that had been made available as the women’s barracks, or at least the barracks for the official women. Men, grown men, had fallen over themselves to put cushions in there, and bring in wood for the fire. It was all very strange. Polly felt they were being treated as something dangerous and fragile, like, say, a huge and wonderful jar full of poison. She turned the corner into the big courtyard and there was de Worde with Mr Chriek. There was no escaping them. They were definitely people looking for someone.

The man gave her a look in which reproach was mingled with hope. “Er… so you’re women, then?” he said.

“Er, yes,” said Polly.

De Worde took out his notebook.

“This is an amazing story,” he said. “You really fought your way here and got in disguised as washerwomen?”

“Well, we were women, and we did some washing,” said Polly. “I suppose it was quite a cu

“General Froc and Captain Blouse say they’re very proud of you,” de Worde went on.

“Oh, he has got promoted, then?” said Polly.

“Yes, and Froc said you did wonderfully well, for women.”

“Yes, I suppose we did,” said Polly. “Yes. Very well, for women.”

“The general went on to say…” de Worde consulted his notebook, “that you are a credit to the women of your country. I wonder if you’d care to comment?”

He looked i

“That’s very nice of him,” said Polly. “But we just want to get the job done and go home. That’s what soldiers want.” She thought for a moment, and then added: “And hot sweet tea.” To her amazement, he wrote this down.

“Just one last question, miss: do you think the world would be a different place if more women were soldiers?” de Worde asked. He was smiling again, she noted, so this was probably a joky kind of question.

“Oh, I think you’d have to ask General Froc that,” said Polly. And I’d like to watch her expression if you do…

“Yes, but what do you think, miss?”

“That’s corporal, please.”

“Sorry, corporal… and?”

The pencil was hovering. Around it, the world turned. It wrote things down, and then they got everywhere. The pen might not be mightier than the sword, but maybe the printing press was heavier than the siege weapon. Just a few words can change everything…

“Well,” said Polly, “I—”

There was a sudden bustling around the gates at the other end of the courtyard, and some cavalry officers arrived. They must have been expected, because Zlobenian officers were converging in a great hurry.

“Ah, I see the Prince is back,” said de Worde. “He’s probably not going to be happy about the truce. They sent some gallopers out to meet him.”

“Can he do anything about it?”

De Worde shrugged. “He left some very senior officers here. It would be rather shocking if he did.”

The tall figure had dismounted, and was striding towards Polly, or rather, she realized, the big doorway next to her. Frantic clerks and officers trailed after him, and were brushed off. But when a white oblong was waved in front of his face by one man he grabbed it and stopped so quickly that several other officers bumped into him.

“Um,” said de Worde. “The edition with the cartoon, I expect. Um.”

The paper was thrown down.

“Yes, probably that was it,” said de Worde.

Heinrich advanced. Now Polly could make out his expression.

It was thunderous. Beside her, de Worde turned over to a fresh page in his notebook and cleared his throat.

“You’re going to talk to him?” said Polly. “In that mood? He’ll cut you down!”

“I have to,” said de Worde. And, as the Prince and his retinue reached the doorway he took a step forward and said, in a voice that cracked slightly, “Your highness? I wonder if I could have a word?”

Heinrich turned to scowl at him, and saw Polly. For a moment, their gazes locked.