Monstrous Regiment

“Yes, I know. I read the history. The a

“National pride, sir.”

“What in? There’s nothing there! There’s some tallow mines, and they’re not bad farmers, but there’s no great architecture, no big libraries, no famous composers, no very high mountains, no wonderful views. All you can say about the place is that it isn’t anywhere else. What’s so special about Borogravia?”

“I suppose it’s special because it’s theirs. And of course there’s Nuggan, sir. Their god. I’ve brought you a copy of the Book of Nuggan.”

“I looked through one back in the city, Chi

“That wouldn’t have been a recent edition, sir. And I suspect it wouldn’t be, er, very current that far from here. This one is more up to date,” said Chi

“Up to date? What do you mean, up to date?” said Vimes, looking puzzled. “Holy writ gets… written. Do this, don’t do that, no coveting your neighbour’s ox…”

“Um… Nuggan doesn’t just leave it at that, sir. He, er… updates things. Mostly the Abominations, to be frank.”

Vimes took the new copy. It was noticeably thicker than the one he’d brought with him.

“It’s what they call a Living Testament,” Chi

“This is a holy book with an appendix?”

“Exactly, sir.”

“In a ring binder?”

“Quite so, sir. People put blank pages in and the Abominations… turn up.”

“You mean magically?”

“I suppose I mean religiously, sir.”

Vimes opened a page at random. “Chocolate?” he said. “He doesn’t like chocolate?”

“Yes, sir. That’s an Abomination.”

“Garlic? Well, I don’t much like that, so fair enough… cats?”

“Oh, yes. He really doesn’t like cats, sir.”

“Dwarfs? It says here ‘The dwarfish race which worships Gold is an Abomination Unto Nuggan’! He must be mad. What happened there?”

“Oh, the dwarfs that were here sealed their mines and vanished, your grace.”

“I bet they did. They know trouble when they see it,” said Vimes. He let “your grace” pass this time; Chi

“Correct, sir.”

“What’s abominable about the colour blue? It’s just a colour! The sky is blue!”

“Yes, sir. Devout Nugganites try not to look at it these days. Um…” Chi

“Tetchy?” said Vimes. “A tetchy god? What, he complains about the noise their kids make? Objects to loud music after nine p.m.?”

“Um… we get the Ankh-Morpork Times here, sir, eventually, and, er, I’d say, er, that Nuggan is very much like, er, the kind of people who write to its letter column. You know, sir. The kind who sign their letters ‘Disgusted of Ankh-Morpork’…”

“Oh, you mean he really is mad,” said Vimes.

“Oh, I’d never mean anything like that, sir,” said Chi

“What do the priests do about this?”

“Not a lot, sir. I think they quietly ignore some of the more, er, extreme Abominations.”

“You mean Nuggan objects to dwarfs, cats and the colour blue and there’re more insane commandments?”

Chi

“All right, then,” growled Vimes. “More extreme commandments?”

“Oysters, sir. He doesn’t like them. But that’s not a problem because no one there has ever seen an oyster. Oh, and babies. He Abominated them, too.”

“I take it people still make them here?”

“Oh, yes, your gr—I’m sorry. Yes, sir. But they feel guilty about it. Barking dogs, that was another one. Shirts with six buttons, too. And cheese. Er… people just sort of, er, avoid the trickier ones. Even the priests seem to have given up trying to explain them.”

“Yes, I think I can see why. So what we have here is a country that tries to run itself on the commandments of a god who, the people feel, may be wearing his underpants on his head. Has he Abominated underpants?”

“No, sir,” Chi

“So how do they manage?”

“These days, people mostly pray to the Duchess A

“Ah, yes, the Duchess. Can I get to see her?”

“Oh, no one sees her, sir. No one except her servants has seen her for more than thirty years. To be honest, sir, she’s probably dead.”

“Only probably?”

“No one really knows. The official story is that she’s in mourning. It’s rather sad, sir. The young Duke died a week after they got married. Gored by a wild pig during a hunt, I believe. She went into mourning at the old castle at PrinceMarmadukePiotreAlbertHansJosephBernhardtWilhelmsberg and hasn’t appeared in public since. The official portrait was painted when she was about forty, I believe.”

“No children?”

“No, sir. On her death, the line is extinct.”

“And they pray to her? Like a god?”

Chi

Vimes sat looking at the consul for some time. When he next spoke, he frightened the man to his boots.

“Who’d inherit?” he said.

“Sir?”

“Just following the monarchy, Mr Chi

“Um, it’s incredibly complex, sir, because of the intermarriages and the various legal systems, which for example—”

“Who’s the smart money on, Mr Chi

“Um, Prince Heinrich of Zlobenia.”

To Chi

“But he is a friend of Ankh-Morpork,” said Chi

“Yes, I know. He sounds almost as insane as Nuggan,” said Vimes. “Okay, so what we’ve probably got is an elaborate charade to keep Heinrich out. How’s this place governed?”

“There isn’t much. A bit of tax collecting, and that’s about all. We think some of the senior court officials just drift on as if the Duchess was alive. The only thing that really works is the aimy.”

“All right, how about coppers? Everyone needs coppers. At least they have their feet on the ground.”

“I believe informal citizens’ committees enforce Nugganatic law,” said Chi

“Oh, gods. Prodnoses, curtain-twitchers and vigilantes,” said Vimes. He stood up and peered out through the narrow window at the plain below. It was night-time. Cooking-fires in the enemy camp made demonic constellations in the darkness.

“Did they tell you why I’ve been sent here, Clarence?” he said.

“No, sir. My instructions were that you would, um, oversee things. Prince Heinrich is not very happy about it.”

“Oh, well, the interests of Ankh-Morpork are the interests of all money-lov– oops, sorry, all freedom–loving people everywhere,” said Vimes. “We can’t have a country that turns back our mail coaches and keeps cutting down the clacks towers. That’s expensive. They’re cutting the continent in half, they’re the pinch in the hourglass. I’m to bring things to a ‘satisfactory’ conclusion. And frankly, Clarence, I’m wondering if it’s even worth attacking Borogravia. It’ll be cheaper to sit here and wait for it to explode. Although I notice… where was that report… ah, yes… it will starve first.”