Sourcery

The strangest thing walked into a tavern on the edge of the city,where the everlasting wind blew the smell of the desert through every unglazed window,and sat down in the middle of thefloor.

The occupants watched it for some time, sipping their coffee laced with desert orakh. This drink, made from cacti sap and scorpion venom, is one of the most viru­lent alcoholic beverages in the universe, but the desert nomads don't drink it for its intoxicating effects. They use it because they need something to mitigate the effect of Klatchian coffee.

Not because you could use the coffee to waterproof roofs. Not because it went through the untrained stomach lining like a hot ball bearing through ru

It made you knurd.[17]

The sons of the desert glanced suspiciously into their thimble-sized coffee-cups, and wondered whether they had overdone the orakh. Were they all seeing the same thing? Would it be foolish to pass a remark? These are the sort of things you need to worry about if you want to retain any credibility as a steely-eyed son of the deep desert. Pointing a shaking finger and saying, 'Hey, look, a box just walked in here on hundreds of little legs, isn't that extraordinary!' would show a terrible and possibly fatal lack of machismo.

The drinkers tried not to catch one another's eye, even when the Luggage slid up to the row of orakh jars against the far wall. The Luggage had a way of standing still that was somehow even more terrible than watch­ing it move about.

Finally one of them said, 'I think it wants a drink.'

There was a long silence, and then one of the others said, with the precision of a chess Grand Master making a killing move, 'What does?'

The rest of the drinkers gazed impassively into their glasses.

There was no sound for a while other than the plop­-plopping of a gecko's footsteps across the sweating ceiling.

The first drinker said, 'The demon that's Just moved up behind you is what I was referring to, O brother of the sands.'

The current holder of the All-Wadi Imperturbability Championship smiled glassily until he felt a tugging on his robe. The smile stayed where it was but the rest of his face didn't seem to want to be associated with it.

The Luggage was feeling crossed in love and was doing what any sensible person would do in these circumstances, which was get drunk. It had no money and no way of asking for what it wanted, but the Luggage somehow never had much difficulty in making itself understood.

The tavern keeper spent a very long lonely night filling a saucer with orakh, before the Luggage rather unsteadily walked out through one of the walls.

The desert was silent. It wasn't normally silent. It was normally alive with the chirruping of crickets, the buzz of mosquitoes, the hiss and whisper of hunting wings skimming across the cooling sands. But tonight it was silent with the thick, busy silence of dozens of nomads folding their tents and getting the hell out of it.

'I promised my mother,' said the boy. 'I get these colds, you see.'

'Perhaps you should try wearing, well, a bit more clothing?'

'Oh, I couldn't do that. You've got to wear all this leather stuff.'

'I wouldn't call it all,' said Rincewind. 'There's not enough of it to call it all. Why have you got to wear it?'

'So people know I'm a barbarian hero, of course.'

Rincewind leaned his back against the fetid walls of the snake pit and stared at the boy. He looked at two eyes like boiled grapes, a shock of ginger hair, and a face that was a battleground between its native freckles and the dreadful invading forces of acne.

Rincewind rather enjoyed times like this. They convinced him that he wasn't mad because, if he was mad, that left no word at all to describe some of the people he met.

'Barbarian hero,' he murmured.

'It's all right, isn't it? All this leather stuff was very expensive.'

'Yes, but, look - what's your name, lad?'

'Nijel-’

'You see, Nijel

'Nijel the Destroyer,' Nijel added.

'You see, Nijel

'- the Destroyer-’

'All right, the Destroyer-’ said Rincewind desperately. '- son of Harebut the Provision Merchant-’

'What?'

'You've got to be the son of someone,' Nijel explained. 'It says it here somewhere-’ He half-turned and fumbled inside a grubby fur bag, eventually bringing out a thin, torn and grubby book.

'There's a bit in here about selecting your name,' he muttered.

'How come you ended up in this pit, then?'

'I was intending to steal from Creosote's treasury, but I had an asthma attack,' said Nijel, still fumbling through the crackling pages.

Rincewind looked down at the snake, which was still trying to keep out of everyone's way. It had a good thing going in the pit, and knew trouble when it saw it. It wasn't about to cause any aggro for anyone. It stared right back up at Rincewind and shrugged, which is pretty clever for a reptile with no shoulders.

'How long have you been a barbarian hero?'

'I'm just getting started. I've always wanted to be one, you see, and I thought maybe I could pick it up as I went along.' Nijel peered short-sightedly at Rincewind. 'That's all right, isn't it?'

'It's a desperate sort of life, by all accounts,' Rincewind volunteered.

'Have you thought what it might be like selling groceries for the next fifty years?' Nijel muttered darkly.

Rincewind thought.

'Is lettuce involved?' he said.

'Oh yes,' said Nijel, shoving the mysterious book back in his bag. Then he started to pay close attention to the pit walls.

Rincewind sighed. He liked lettuce. It was so incredibly boring. He had spent years in search of boredom, but had never achieved it. Just when he thought he had it in his grasp his life would suddenly become full of near-terminal interest. The thought that someone could voluntarily give up the prospect of being bored for fifty years made him feel quite weak. With fifty years ahead of him, he thought, he could elevate tedium to the status of an art form. There would be no end to the things he wouldn't do.

'Do you know any lamp-wick jokes?' he said, settling himself comfortably on the sand.

'I don't think so,' said Nijel politely, tapping a slab.

'I know hundreds. They are very droll. For example, do you know how many trolls it takes to change a lamp-wick?'

'This slab moves,' said Nijel. 'Look, it's a sort of door. Give me a hand.'

He pushed enthusiastically, his biceps standing out on his arms like peas on a pencil.

'I expect it's some sort of secret passage,' he added. 'Come on, use a bit of magic, will you? It's stuck.'

'Don't you want to hear the rest of the joke?' said Rincewind, in a pained voice. It was warm and dry down here, with no immediate danger, not counting the snake, which was trying to look inconspicuous. Some people were never satisfied.

'I think not right at the moment,' said Nijel. 'I think I would prefer a bit of magical assistance.'

17

In a truly magical universe everything has its opposite. For example, there's anti-light. That's not the same as darkness, because darkness is merely the absence of light. Anti-light is what you get if you pass through darkness and out the other side. On the same basis, a state of knurdness isn't like sobriety. By comparison, sobriety is like having a bath in cotton wool. Knurdness strips away all illlusion, all the comforting pink fog in which people normally spend their lives, and lets them see and think clearly for the first time ever. Then, after they've screamed a bit, they make sure they never get knurd again.