Moving pictures

'Remember,' he said, 'I'm looking for Victor Tugelbend and I'm going to make him a star. If anyone sees him, you must tell him. Oh, and I'll have the steak rare, Fruntkin.'

He strode back to thedoor.

After he had gone the chattering flowed back like a tide.

'Make him a star? What'd he want a star for?'

'I didn't know you could make stars . . . I thought they were like, you know, stuck to the sky . . . '

'I think he meant make him a star. You know, him himself. Turn him into a star.'

'How can you make. anyone into a star?'

'I du

'Good grief!'

'Yeah! Is that troll mean, or what?'

Victor looked at the dog carefully.

It couldn't have spoken to him. It must have been his imagination. But he'd said that last time, hadn't he?

'I wonder what your name is?' said Victor, patting it on the head.

'Gaspode,' said Gaspode.

Victor's hand froze in mid-tousle.

'Tuppence,' said the dog, wearily. 'World's only bloody harmonica-playing dog. Tuppence.'

It is the sun, Victor thought. I haven't been wearing a hat. In a minute I'll wake up and there'll be cool sheets.

'Well, you didn't play very well. I couldn't recognize the tune,' he said, stretching his mouth into a terrible grin.

'You're not supposed to recognize the bloody tune,' said Gaspode, sitting down heavily and industriously scratching one ear with his hind leg. 'I'm a dog. You're supposed to be bloody amazed I can bloody well get a squeak out of the bloody thing.'

How shall I put it? Victor thought. Do I just say: excuse me, you appear to be tad . . . No, probably not.

'Er,' he said. Hey, you're quire chatty for . . . no.

'Fleas,' said Gaspode, changing ears and legs. 'Giving me gyp. I

'Oh dear.'

'And all these trolls. Can't stand 'em. They smell all wrong. Bloody walking stones. You try and bite 'em, next minute you're spittin' teef. It's not natural.'

Talking of natural, I can't help noticing that-

'Bloody desert, this place,' said Gaspode.

You're a talking dog.

'I expect you're wondering,' said Gaspode, turning his penetrating stare on Victor once again, 'how come I'm talking.'

'Hadn't given it a thought,' said Victor.

'Me neither,' said Gaspode. 'Until a couple of weeks ago. All my life, never said a bloody word. Worked for a bloke back in the big city. Tricks and that. Balancing a ball on my nose. Walkin' on me 'rod legs. Jumpin' through a 'oop. Carried the hat round in my mouf afterwards. You know. Show business. Then this woman pats me on me 'ead, says "Eow, wot a dear little doggy, he looks like he understands every word we say," and I thinks, "Ho, ho, I don't even bother to make the effort any more, missus," and then I realizes I can hear the words, and they're coming out of me own mouf. So I grabbed the 'at and had it away on my paws pretty damn quick, while they were still starin'.'

'Why?' said Victor.

Gaspode rolled his eyes. 'Exactly wot life do you fink a genuine talking dog is going to have?' he said. 'Shouldn't have opened my stupid mouth.'

'But you're talking to me,' said Victor.

Gaspode gave him a sly look.

'Yeah, but jus' you try tellin' anyone,' he said. 'Anyway, you're all right. You've got the look. I could tell it a mile orf.'

'What on earth do you mean?' said Victor.

'You don't fink you really belong to yourself, right?' said the dog. 'You've 'ad the feeling that something else is doin' your thinking for you?'

'Good grief.'

'Give you a kind of hunted look,' said Gaspode. He picked up the cap in his mouth. 'Tuppence,' he said indistinctly. 'I mean, it's not as if I've got any way of spending it, but . . . tuppence.' He gave a canine shrug.

'What do you mean by a hunted look?' said Victor.

'You've all got the look. Many are called and few are chosen, style of fing.'

'What look?'

'Like you've been called here and you don't know why.' Gaspode tried to scratch his ear again. 'Saw you acting Cohen the Barbarian,' he said.

'Er . . . what did you think of it?' said Victor.

'I reckon, so long as ode Cohen never gets to hear about it, you should be OK.'

'I said, how long ago was he in here?' shouted Dibbler. On the tiny stage, Ruby was crooning something in a voice like a ship in thick fog and bad trouble.

'GrooOOowwo

'He only just went out!' bellowed Rock. 'I'm trying to listen to this song, all right?'

'-OowoowgrhhffrghooOOo-' [7]

Cut-me-own-Throat nudged Detritus, who was taking the weight off his knuckles and watching the floor show with his mouth open.

The old troll's life had, up to now, been very straightforward; people paid you money, and you hit other people.

Now it was begi

Strange and unfamiliar emotions were rampaging through Detritus' battered heart.

'-groooOWooohoofooOOoo-' [8]

'Come on,' snapped Throat.

Detritus lumbered to his feet and took one last longing look at the stage.

'-ooOOOgooOOmoo. OOhhhooo.'[9]

Ruby blew him a kiss. Detritus blushed the colour of fresh-cut garnet.

Gaspode led the way out of the alley and through the dark hinterland of scrubby bushes and sandgrass behind the town.

'There's definitely something wrong with this place,' he muttered.

'It's different,' said Victor. 'What do you mean, wrong?'

Gaspode looked as though he was going to spit.

'Now, take me,' he said, ignoring the interruption. 'A dog. Never dreamed in my life except about chasing fings. And sex, of course. Suddenly I'm dreaming these dreams. In colour. Frightened the bloody life out of me. Never seen colour before, right? Dogs see in black-an'white, as I expect you knows, you bein' a great reader. Red comes as a nasty shock, I can tell you. You fink your di

'What kind of dreams?' said Victor.

'It's bloody embarrassing,' said Gaspode. 'Like, in one there's this bridge that's been washed away and I have to run and bark a warning, right? And there's another where this house is on fire and I drag these kids out. And there's one where some kids are lost in these caves and I find 'em and go and lead the search party to them . . . and I hates kids. Seems I can't get me 'ead down these days without rescuin' people or savin' people or foilin' robbers or su

6

'Vunce again I am fallink in luf (lit., experiencing the pleasant feeling of being hit over the head with a rock by Chondrodite, the troll god of love).'

Note: Chondrodite must not be confused with Gigalith, the troll god who gives trolls wisdom by hitting them on the head with a rock, or Silicarous, the troll god who brings trolls good fortune by hitting them on the head with a rock, or with the folk hero Monolith, who first wrested the secret of rocks from the gods.

7

'Vy iss it I now am a blue colour?'

8

'Vot is the action I should take at this time?'

9

' ... I can't help it. Hiya, big boy.'