Mort

'Whose?'

'Hers.'

'But she's queen already, isn't she?'

'In a way, but officially she's not queen until she's crowned.' Cutwell gri

Twenty minutes earlier Mort had been feeling tired enough to takeroot. Now he could feel a fizzing in his blood. It was the kind of late-night, frantic energy that you knew you would pay for around midday tomorrow, but for now he felt he had to have some action or else his muscles would snap out of sheer vitality.

'I want to see her,' he said. 'If you can't do anything, there might be something I can do.'

There's guards outside her room,' said Cutwell. 'I mention this merely as an observation. I don't imagine for one minute that they'll make the slightest difference.'

It was midnight in Ankh-Morpork, but in the great twin city the only difference between night and day was, well, it was darker. The markets were thronged, the spectators were still thickly clustered around the whore pits, ru

However, the Ankh-Morpork Chamber of Commerce would not be happy at the suggestion that the only real difference between their city and a swamp is the number of legs on the alligators, and indeed in the more select areas of Ankh, which tend to be in the hilly districts where there is a chance of a bit of wind, the nights are gentle and scented with habiscine and Cecillia blossoms.

On this particular night they were scented with saltpetre, too, because it was the tenth a

In fact some two hundred of the Patrician's guests were now staggering and kicking their way through the Serpent Dance, a quaint Morporkian folkway which consisted of getting rather drunk, holding the waist of the person in front, and then wobbling and giggling uproariously in a long crocodile that wound through as many rooms as possible, preferably ones with breakables in, while kicking one leg vaguely in time with the beat, or at least in time with some other beat. This dance had gone on for half an hour and had wound through every room in the palace, picking up two trolls, the cook, the Patrician's head torturer, three waiters, a burglar who happened to be passing and a small pet swamp dragon.

Somewhere around the middle of the dance was fat Lord Rodley of Quirm, heir to the fabulous Quirm estates, whose current preoccupation was with the thin fingers gripping his waist. Under its bath of alcohol his brain kept trying to attract his attention.

'I say,' he called over his shoulder, as they oscillated for the tenth hilarious time through the enormous kitchen, 'not so tight, please.'

I AM MOST TERRIBLY SORRY.

'No offence, old chap. Do I know you?' said Lord Rodley, kicking vigorously on the back beat.

I THINK IT UNLIKELY. TELL ME, PLEASE, WHAT IS THE MEANING OF THIS ACTIVITY?

'What?' shouted Lord Rodley, above the sound of someone kicking in the door of a glass cabinet amid shrieks of merriment.

WHAT IS THIS THING THAT WE DO? said the voice, with glacial patience.

'Haven't you been to a party before? Mind the glass, by the way.'

I AM AFRAID I DO NOT GET OUT AS MUCH AS I WOULD LIKE TO. PLEASE EXPLAIN THIS. DOES IT HAVE TO DO WITH SEX?

'Not unless we pull up sharp, old boy, if you know what I mean?' said his lordship, and nudged his unseen fellow guest with his elbow.

'Ouch,' he said. A crash up ahead marked the demise of the cold buffet.

NO.

'What?'

I DO NOT KNOW WHAT YOU MEAN.

'Mind the cream there, it's slippery – look, it's just a dance, all right? You do it for fun.'

FUN.

'That's right. Dada, dada, da – kick!' There was an audible pause.

WHO IS THIS FUN?

'No, fun isn't anybody, fun is what you have.'

WE ARE HAVING FUN?

'I thought I was,' said his lordship uncertainly. The voice by his ear was vaguely worrying him; it appeared to be arriving directly into his brain.

WHAT IS THIS FUN?

'This is!'

TO KICK VIGOROUSLY IS FUN?

'Well, part of the fun. Kick!'

TO HEAR LOUD MUSIC IN HOT ROOMS IS FUN?

'Possibly.'

HOW IS THIS FUN MANIFEST?

'Well, it – look, either you're having fun or you're not, you don't have to ask me, you just know, all right? How did you get in here, anyway?' he added. 'Are you a friend of the Patrician?'

LET US SAY, HE PUTS BUSINESS MY WAY. I FELT I OUGHT TO LEARN SOMETHING OF HUMAN PLEASURES.

'Sounds like you've got a long way to go.'

I KNOW. PLEASE EXCUSE MY LAMENTABLE IGNORANCE. I WISH ONLY TO LEARN. ALL THESE PEOPLE, PLEASE – THEY ARE HAVING FUN?

'Yes!'

THEN THIS IS FUN.

'I'm glad we've got that sorted out. Mind the chair,' snapped Lord Rodley, who was now feeling very unfu

A voice behind him said quietly: THIS IS FUN. TO DRINK EXCESSIVELY IS FUN. WE ARE HAVING FUN. HE IS HAVING FUN. THIS IS SOME FUN. WHAT FUN.

Behind Death the Patrician's small pet swamp dragon held on grimly to the bony hips and thought: guards or no guards, next time we pass an open window I'm going to run like buggery.

Keli sat bolt upright in bed.

'Don't move another step,' she said. 'Guards!'

'We couldn't stop him,' said the first guard, poking his head shame-facedly around the doorpost.

'He just pushed in . . .' said the other guard, from the other side of the doorway.

'And the wizard said it was all right, and we were told everyone must listen to him because…

'All right, all right. People could get murdered around here,' said Keli testily, and put the crossbow back on the bedside table without, unfortunately, operating the safety catch.

There was a click, the thwack of sinew against metal, a zip of air, and a groan. The groan came from Cutwell. Mort spun round to him.

'Are you all right?' he said. 'Did it hit you?'

7

Ankh-Morpork had dallied with many forms of government and had ended up with that form of democracy known as One Man, One Vote. The Patrician was the Man; he had the Vote.