Choke

And gritting my teeth,I say, "That was fun, don't you think?"

And Tanya says, "I need you to sign my release form so I can get back to jail." She's dangling the string of balls into her black bag and says, "You're going to want to stop by an emergency room."

See also: Impacted colon.

See also: Bowel blockage.

See also: Cramping, fever, septic shock, heart failure.

It's been five days since I remember feeling hungry enough to eat. I haven't been tired. Or worried or angry or afraid or thirsty. If the air in here smells bad, I can't tell. I only know this is Friday because Tanya is here.

Paige and her dental floss. Tanya and her toys. Gwen with her safe word. All these women are yanking me around on a string.

"No, really," I tell Tanya. I sign the form, under sponsor, and say, "Really, nothing's wrong. I don't feel anything left in­side."

And Tanya takes the form and says, "I can't believe that." What's fu

Chapter 34

Without insurance or even a driver's license, I call a cab to come jump-start my mom's old car. On the radio, they talk about where to find traffic, a two-car accident on the bypass, a stalled tractor-trailer on the airport freeway. After I fill the gas tank, I just find an accident and get in line. Just to feel like I'm part of something.

Sitting in traffic, my heart would beat at regular speed. I'm not alone. Trapped there, I could just be a normal person headed home to a wife, kids, a house. I could pretend that my life was more than just waiting for the next disaster. That I knew how to function. The way other kids would "play house," I could play commuter.

After work, I go visit De

And De

De

And I say I don't care.

De

A girl's sitting under an apple tree close enough you can see she's Cherry Daiquiri from the strip club. A blanket is spread out under her, and she's lifting white cartons of take-out food from a brown grocery bag and opening each carton.

De

I say, "What are you building?"

De

Doesn't he need to build it on paper, first? I say, don't you need a plan? There's permits and inspections you have to get. You have to pay fees. There's building codes you have to know.

And De

He rolls around rocks with his foot, then finds the best one and fits it in place. You don't need a permit to paint a picture, he says. You don't need to file a plan to write a book. There're books that do more damage than he ever could. You don't need your poem inspected. There's such a thing as freedom of expression.

De

And I say, "But what if you build a dangerous, ugly house?"

And De

And I hold my fist up between us and say, "You better not mean me, dude."

De

"Don't think for a minute that the city is going to buy your First Amendment logic," I say.

And I say, "She's not really as attractive as you think."

With the bottom of his shirt, De

I can see her from here.

"Your mom, I mean," he says.

She doesn't know me anymore. She won't miss me.

"Not for her," De

De

I ask, is he living with this Beth girl now?

I ask if he's got her pregnant or anything.

And De

If he needs it, I tell him I got my mom's old car ru

"Go see how your mom is," De

Everybody at Colonial Dunsboro says to say hello, I tell him.

And De

Chapter 35

Fast-forwarding through the messages on my mom's answering ma­chine, there's the same soft voice, hushed and understanding, saying, "Condition is deteriorating . . ." Saying, "Critical. . ." Saying, "Mother ..." Saying, "Intervene ..."

I just keep hitting the fast-forward button.

Still on the shelf for tonight, there's Colleen Moore, whoever she was. There's Constance Lloyd, whoever that is. There's Judy Garland. There's Eva Braun. What's left is definitely the second string.

The voice on the message machine stops and starts.

"... been calling some of the fertility clinics listed in his mother's diary ..." it says.

It's Paige Marshall.

I rewind.

"Hello, this is Dr. Marshall," she says. "I need to talk to Vic­tor Mancini. Please tell Mr. Mancini that I've been calling some of the fertility clinics listed in his mother's diary, and they all seem to be legitimate. Even the doctors are real." She says, "The oddest part is that they get very upset when I ask them about Ida Mancini."

She says, "This is looking like something more than just Mrs. Mancini's fantasy."

A voice in the background says, "Paige?"

A man's voice.

"Listen," she says. "My husband's here, so would Victor Mancini please visit me at St. Anthony's Care Center as soon as possible."

The man's voice says, "Paige? What are you up to? Why are you whispering—"

And the line goes dead.

Chapter 36

So Saturday means visiting my mom.

In the lobby of St. Anthony's, talking to the front desk girl, I tell her I'm Victor Mancini and I'm here to see my mom, Ida Mancini.