Past Reason Hated

Ruth shifted on the sofa and T.S. scampered off. ‘It doesn’t happen like that. Women don’t suddenly, quote, turn into lesbians, unquote. They discover that’s what they are, what they always were but were afraid to admit because there was too much working against them – social morality, male domination, you name it.’

‘Do you think there are a lot of women in that situation?’

‘More than you imagine.’

‘What about the men in her life?’

‘Work it out for yourself. What do you think it does to a woman to have gross old men sticking their willies in her and meek suburban husbands asking if they can pee in her mouth? You’ve got the pimp at one end and the perverts at the other. No quarter.’

‘So Caroline discovered her lesbianism under your guidance?’

Ruth flicked a column of ash into the tray. ‘You could put it like that, yes. I seduced her. It didn’t take her long to figure out that she loathed and feared sex with men. The only difficult thing was overcoming the taboos and learning how to respond to a woman’s body, a woman’s way of making love. And I’m not talking about dildos and vibrators.’

‘Why did you split up?’

‘Why does anybody split up? I think we’d done what we could for each other. Caroline was restless. She wanted to go back up north. There were no great rows or anything, just a mutual agreement, and off she went.’

‘Did you know she had a baby?’

‘Yes. Colm’s. But that was before I met her. She told me she’d just arrived in London and was lucky enough to meet Colm in a pub. Apparently he was a decent enough bloke, just broke all the time. Some of his mates weren’t so decent and that’s partly what got Caroline involved in the game to start with. You know, just a temporary dancing job at this club, no harm in it, is there? Bit of extra cash, no questions asked. Creeps. In all fairness, I don’t think Colm knew. At least not for a while. Then she had his baby and they put it up for adoption.’

‘Do you remember the name of the club?’

‘Yes. It was the Hole-in-the-Wall, just off Greek Street Dingy looking place.’

‘This Colm,’ Banks asked. ‘Do you know his second name?’

‘No. It’s fu

‘Seen him lately?’

‘Me? I’ve never seen him.’

‘How come you know so much about him?’

‘Because Caroline told me about him when we were first getting to know each other.’

‘Where did he live?’

‘Notting Hill somewhere. Or it could have been Muswell Hill. I’m not sure. Honestly, I can’t help you on that one. She never was much of a one for details, just the broad gesture.’

‘Are you sure Caroline wasn’t already pregnant when she arrived in London?’

Ruth frowned and paused, as if she had suddenly remembered something. She turned her eyes away, and when she spoke there was an odd, distant tone to her voice. ‘What do you mean?’

‘I’m just asking.’

‘As far as I know she wasn’t. Unless she was lying to me. I suppose Colm will be able to confirm it if you can find him.’

‘Why did that question upset you so much?’

She put her hand to her chest. ‘I don’t know what you’re talking about.’

‘You’re more defensive than you were earlier.’

Ruth shrugged. ‘It just reminded me of something, that’s all.’

‘Reminded you of what?’

Ruth reached for her coffee cup, but it was empty. Banks waited. He noticed her hand was shaking a little.

‘Something that was bothering Caroline. It’s not important,’ Ruth said. ‘Probably not even true.’

‘Let me decide.’

‘Well, it was those dreams she’d been having, and the things she’d been remembering. At least she thought she had. She didn’t really know if they were memories or fantasies.’

‘What about?’

Ruth looked him in the eye, her cheeks flushed. ‘Oh hell,’ she said. ‘Caroline was begi

‘Molested? When? Where? Who by?’

‘I’ve told you, she wasn’t sure she believed it herself.’

‘Do you know?’

‘Shit, yes. When she was a kid. At home. By her father.’

10

ONE

‘You knew, didn’t you?’ Banks challenged Veronica Shildon later that evening. They were eating in an Indonesian restaurant in Soho. The view out of the window was hardly romantic – a peep show offering ‘NAKED GIRLS IN BED’ for 50p – but the food was excellent and the bar served Tiger beer.

Veronica played with her nasi goreng, mixing the shrimp in with the rice. ‘Knew what?’

‘About Caroline’s past.’

‘No. Not the way you think.’

‘You could have saved me a lot of time and effort.’

Veronica shook her head. Her eyes looked watery, on the verge of tears. Banks couldn’t be sure whether it was emotion or the hot chili peppers. His own scalp was prickling with the heat and his nose was starting to run. He took another swig of cold Tiger.

‘Some things I knew,’ she said finally. ‘I knew Caroline had been on the streets, but I didn’t know any of the names or places involved. When she talked about Ruth she always spoke with affection, but she never mentioned her second name or where they’d lived.’

‘You knew they were lovers, though?’

‘Yes.’

‘But weren’t you jealous? Didn’t you question Caroline about it?’

Veronica snorted. ‘I had little right to be jealous, did I? Remember where I was coming from. Caroline told me there’d been others. She was even living with Nancy Wood when I first met her. And I was with Claude. You must be very naive, Mr Banks, if you think we walked into our relationship like a couple of virgins with no emotional baggage. And, somehow, I don’t honestly believe you are naive.’

‘No matter what the rules are,’ Banks said, ‘no matter what people try to convince themselves about what they accept and understand, about how open-minded they are, they still can’t stop feeling things like jealousy, hatred and fear. Those are powerful, primitive emotions – instincts, if you like – and you can’t convince me that you were both so bloody civilized you calmly decided not to feel anything about one another’s pasts.’

Veronica put down her fork and poured some more beer into her half empty glass. ‘Quite a speech. And not so long ago you were telling me I was too civilized to feel the need to revenge Caroline’s murder.’

‘Perhaps you are. But that’s another matter. Can you answer my question?’

‘Yes. I didn’t feel jealous about Ruth Du

Banks said nothing. He ate a mouthful of pork satay and washed it down with beer. Attracting the waiter’s attention, he then ordered two more Tigers. He did believe Veronica. After all, she had felt secure in her relationship with Caroline, and Ruth Du

‘So why didn’t you tell me what you did know about Caroline’s past?’ he asked after the beers had arrived.

‘I’ve already told you. I hardly knew anything.’

‘Maybe not, but if you’d told us what you did know, it would have made it easier for us to find out the rest.’

Veronica slammed her knife and fork down. Her cheeks flushed and her eyes narrowed to glaring slits. ‘All right, damn you! So I’m sorry. What more do you want me to say?’