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Who cares what other people think? You ‘re not changing for them; you’re changing for yourself You don’t have to change your whole self only what makes you unhappy, only what you want to change to make yourself happy. And why would you feel foolish for making yourself happy? Treat yourself better and other people will treat you better. That’s just logical…
She threw the paring knife and cucumber in the sink, marched out of the kitchen, through the open dining room and across the living room to shout at the closed front door.
„Are you talking in my head now?“
„Well, you won’t let me in to talk to your face, and you really shouldn’t be making any unilateral decisions in there on your own. We’re a team, remember?“
„If you don’t leave me alone I’m going to… Ha! I have the entire six-hour mini-series of Pride and Prejudice on DVD in here. You want that?“
There was a thud on the door and a brushing sound of something sliding to the floor on the other side… and then silence.
Charlotte put her hand over her mouth and laughed silently into it, all the way back to the kitchen.
Five
She woke abruptly the next morning from a heavy, dreamless sleep. Which was odd actually, because she usually woke slowly, attempting over and over to reenter the dreams her alarm clock interrupted, or sorting through the shadows and images to determine them too bizarre to revisit. This morning she came wide awake without remnants, several minutes before her alarm rang with only one clear image in her mind.
„Mel?“ She finished tying her robe as she walked down the hall toward the living room. Was it possible? Could the whole previous day have been last night’s dream? „Mel? Are you still here?“
A muffled „Good morning“ came through the front door.
He was on the floor in the hall with his back against the wall. He’d taken off his red shoes and stuffed his tube socks down inside them; rolled up his pouchy jacket to rest his head on. If he’d slept, he did it sitting up.
„Have you been out here all night?“ she asked after opening the door.
„Where else would I be?“ He started to gather his things and get up. He seemed a little snippy. „I can hardly engage in an active night life without you, now can I?“
„I guess I thought you would… pop out… or inside the apartment maybe, after I went to sleep.“
He stood looking down at her. There was a hurt and a vulnerability in his eyes that was genuine. She felt something go warm and soft, and liquefy inside her. „I am powerless without you, Charlotte. If you want me in your life you have to let me in.“
„What would happen to you if I didn’t?“
He gave a little shrug, but she could tell the thought pained him. „Same as last time. You sent me under the bed to look for snakes and spiders and forgot all about me. I stayed there until you stopped worrying about such things. After that, you filled your mind with other issues, bigger problems. I tried to help you then, too, but you wouldn’t let yourself see me. I had to do the best I could from inside your head – in dreams, in deep thought, through your imagination, but you got pretty good at closing me out in there, as well.“
„I didn’t mean to hurt you.“ And she didn’t want him to go away again.
His dark brow furrowed. „I know. It’s a sad fact of life, I believe, that growing up involves doubt and confusion, and that maturing so often becomes synonymous with sacrificing dreams and desires for what is logical and practical.“ He motioned to the open door, aware, apparently, that she was now ready to accept him. It was his awareness of it, of her, that was still very… weird. Following her inside, he continued. „Don’t get me wrong; logical and practical are necessary. But not to the exclusion of everything else.“
„And you think that’s what I’ve done. Given up all my dreams and wishes for what’s logical and practical?“
„Worse. You let your doubts and confusion run rampant and gave up everything for what your parents thought was logical and practical.“
That hurt. More than she could say. Probably because it was too close to the truth, and mostly because he’d said it out loud. Was he deliberately trying to hurt her?
„That’s not a very nice thing to say.“
His smile was small as he dropped his shoes and coat on the couch. „I couldn’t say it if you didn’t already think it, remember?“
„Damn, that’s a
She turned on her heel and headed for the kitchen. She couldn’t take much more of him without some coffee. The pot was on a timer and she emerged moments later with a steaming mug full.
„Actually, there are rules,“ he said, sliding into a chair across from her at the dining room table. „I can’t lie to you. I need to be as honest with you as you’ll let me.“ He looked sheepish. „I am sorry I hurt you, though. I could have said the same thing with a lot more finesse.“
„So you’re mad because I left you outside all night.“
„No. I’m just tired of being ignored.“ He sighed and slouched in the chair. „I want everything to change now, today… yesterday even. I want it all to be as it could be… as it should be. But I can tell you’re still not ready.“
„Ready for what?“
„To listen to what I have to say. To trust me. To act on my advice.“
„I let you in.“
„That’s not the same thing.“
No, it wasn’t. „I just met you. I need more time.“
He stared at her for a moment, then closed his eyes, pressed his thumb and fingers to the middle of his brow. spread them out and rubbed his temples as if he had a headache.
„Do you want some coffee?“
„Do you really want me more awake than you are? And for future reference, that stuff goes straight to my nervous system. A hyper-stimulated imagination can be very scary, you know.“
She wanted to laugh but just smiled instead. „Are you always this grumpy in the morning?“
„No, I… my internal clock is screwed up. I’m usually more active at night while you sleep, and I rest during the day when your brain is busy…“ he waved his hand vaguely, „creating cash and accrual systems… and auditing for errors and posting to general ledgers.“
That’s why she didn’t dream last night… he’d been sleeping, too.
„What happens if you don’t rest?“
„We get psychotic.“
Unfortunately, that made sense to her, too.
„If it makes you feel any better, I missed my dreams last night,“ she said, her expression hopeful and cajoling.
A smile slowly curved his lips, and his eyes lit with reluctant fondness. He wagged his head a little, to appear not to be giving in too easily. „Well, maybe we can work something out. By nature, I’m considerably more flexible than you are. I can sleep anytime, anywhere. I’ll just use my time more wisely.“
„Like now? Because I’m going into my office to work for a while… until about noon.“
„What about shopping?“ He sat up straight. „We should get an early start. We need to work on your makeover plan. At least run down to the drugstore for some magazines. We don’t even have to get a GQ. Ralph Lauren will have ads in everything. All I need is some warmer pants… and those shoes are throwing my back out of alignment.“
„Maybe this afternoon, okay?“ She stood with her coffee cup in hand. „I really do have a lot to do. The next few weeks are going to be crazy until I incorporate Dad’s clients with my own.“ She sighed as the heavy ache of missing her father settled in her chest, once again. Her throat grew thick, her voice thin. „I should have done it months ago. I knew he wasn’t going to get any better. I knew he was getting weaker and weaker. I just kept hoping…“
She broke off when she saw tears welling in his eyes. It was her pain, her sorrow looking back at her, still fresh and tender and paralyzing if she gave into it.