Thieves' Dozen

Petey Fonanta ignored all that, because he was still looking at Dortmunder, and now he said, out of the side of his mouth, "You didn't introduce your friend."

"Acquaintance," Dortmunder said.

Arnie said, "That's John-"

"Diddums," Dortmunder said, in a hurry, not knowing what Arnie might have come out with.

Petey Fonanta frowned. The woman said, "Diddums?"

"It's Welsh."

"Oh."

Arnie said, "John's my cousin from outta town."

"Once removed," Dortmunder said, giving Arnie a dirty look.

Petey gestured at the woman: "This is my partner, Kate Murray. That's all she is, we're partners."

"That's right," Kate Murray said. She looked and sounded determined. "Just partners, that's it."

"And Altoona Joe sent you," Arnie said, looking thoughtful.

"He said, we come to town," Petey answered, "we should look you up."

"That's some friend you got there," Arnie said. "He sends you to me, just to chat."

"Well, we got something you might want," Petey said.

"Yeah," Kate said.

"And what would that be?" Arnie asked.

Petey lowered his eyebrows in Dortmunder's direction. "Can we talk in front of the cousin?"

"Why not?" Arnie asked. "He's still my cousin, no matter how much he removes."

Dortmunder said, "Blood is thicker than water."

Petey considered that. "They both spill the same," he said.

Kate said, "Petey, if it's go

Petey shrugged. "Okay." Turning at last away from Dortmunder and toward Arnie, he said, "What we got, we got television sets."

Arnie did an elaborate act of looking all over Petey, up and down, his clothing and hair and everything, before he said, "They must be awful small television sets, huh? Huh? Small sets? Huh?"

That was the joke again, going by there. Dortmunder recognized it this time, but he still didn't feel like laughing. And Petey just stood there and moved his shoulders like a guy overdo for a workout and said, "What?"

Arnie spread his hands at Dortmunder. "You see what I mean," he said. Then, to Petey, he said, "Where are these television sets?"

"In the truck outside."

Kate said, "You can have the truck, too."

"For trucks I got no interest," Arnie told her. "With the alternate side parking on this block, I wouldn't even have a tricycle. You found a parking place, huh?"

"We're double-parked out front," Petey said. "Which is why we'd like to move this transaction a little."

"Transaction," Arnie said, tasting the word. "So you got a truck out there with some televisions."

Kate said, "We got a extra-long semi with Ohio plates and four hundred television sets."

Arnie stared at her. "Double-parked on 89th Street?"

Kate said, "Where else would you put it?"

"It's not a question comes up a lot," Arnie said.

Petey, sounding impatient, said, "Well? Are you up for this or not?"

"You come all this way," Arnie told him, unruffled, "and you're such a good friend of Altoona Joe, the least I can do is look at the goods. Okay?"

"Sure." Petey nodded heavily at Arnie, and then nodded heavily at Kate, saying, "Stay with the cousin."

"Sure."

Petey and Arnie left, and Dortmunder said to Kate, "Why not sit down?"

"All right," she said, and sat on a lumpy brown sofa under a lot of January mountain ranges and waterfalls. Dortmunder took again his chair by the window, and she looked at him and said, "You here for a transaction, too?"

Transaction. Dortmunder said, "I'm here being a cousin, that's all. Once removed."

"You aren't in the business?"

Dortmunder looked very interested. "What business?" he asked.

"Never mind."

Conversation ceased after that, like a plant that's never been watered, until Arnie and Petey returned, arguing about the potential value of four hundred Taiwanese television sets in a depressed economy. "I gotta make a phone call," Arnie a

Arnie went into the other room, from where the faint murmur of his phone call could soon be heard. Petey sat on the sofa next to Kate and patted her knee, saying, "How's it going?"

"Fine."

Petey looked at Dortmunder. He smiled, which Dortmunder didn't believe at all, and said, "We interrupt you guys doin' business?"

"No, just being cousins," Dortmunder assured him.

"He's a civilian," Kate said.

Petey considered that, looking from Dortmunder to Kate and back. He seemed unconvinced, but didn't say anything, and conversation again dropped into nothingness.

Arnie walked into the room and looked around at the three silent people seated there. "What is this?" he wanted to know. "Did I die? Is this my wake? I didn't expect so many people."

Petey never much liked anything that anybody ever said about anything. Glowering at Arnie, he said, "So? Do we have a deal or not?"

"We have a wait," Arnie told him. "I hate to have to tell you this, but you're go

Kate, with a worried frown at her partner, said to Arnie, "How long?"

"Five minutes? Maybe ten minutes?"

Petey lifted his wrist to look at a watch the size of a pizza covered with black olives, and said, "Ten minutes. Then we're outta here."

Arnie said, "You want my cousin to drive the truck around while we wait?"

Petey gave him a look. "Do we look like we're worried about a ticket?"

Kate said, "And nobody's go

"You're right, there," Arnie said.

Fu

Petey glowered. "We're just partners," he said.

"Right, right, I forgot."

Dortmunder got to his feet, as though casual. "Well, cuz," he said to Arnie, "maybe I'll go back outta town."

Petey switched his glower to Dortmunder. "Why don't you stick around instead?" he said.

"Yeah, Door-Diddums," Arnie said. "Stick around."

Although Dortmunder did say, "I don't see why-" nobody heard him because at that moment a whole lot of pounding rattled the metal apartment door, and voices shouted, "Open up! Police! Police!"

Petey and Kate stared at one another wide-eyed. Dortmunder stared at the fire escape; if Arnie could only stall the cops for thirty or forty seconds . . .

Arnie strode briskly to the apartment door and flung it open. "Took you guys long enough," he said.

Dortmunder and Petey and Kate all reacted to that remark, staring open-mouthed at Arnie as the room filled up with uniforms. There then followed a great deal of noise and confusion, during which Dortmunder and Petey and Kate found themselves standing in a row against a wall of Januaries-baseball players, old cars, chrome-covered diners-while a number of fierce-looking cops pi

When at last there was comparative silence, except for everybody's heavy breathing, a plainclothesman came in through the open door and pointed his lumpy forehead at Arnie to say, "Arnie, what the hell are you up to?"

"Nothing, Lieutenant," Arnie said, "as you well know. I'm retired, and reformed, and off the fence."

"Crap," the lieutenant said, and sniffed. "What stinks in here?"

"Me," Arnie said. "As usual."

"Worse than usual, Arnie." The lieutenant's forehead considered Dortmunder and Petey and Kate. "What's with this unlovely crowd?"