Nobody's Perfect

Upstairs, Chauncey was also looking at his watch. Dortmunder had told him he'd have ten minutes from the moment of the flashlight signal, and he'd already used seven just getting into the room. Another time he might have dawdled to admire some of the other beauties in here, but now, shining his flashlight around, he had time for nothing but the Veenbes, which was… over there.

Downstairs, Kelp's pockets were full but Dortmunder's watch showed they still had three minutes to stall. "We'll check the next room," he said, and herded the guards ahead of him as Kelp led the way.

Upstairs: Painting off frame, imitation out of umbrella sheath, imitation tacked onto frame, original rolled (carefully, carefully) and inserted into sheath, Chauncey and sheath out of the room with locks snicking into place automatically behind him.

Downstairs: "That's enough," Dortmunder said. "Through that way," he told the guards, leading them to the basement stairs. The four guards went down the staircase, and Dortmunder and Kelp closed and locked the door, then turned and ran for the main exit.

Upstairs: Chauncey and sheath out the window and into the bucket, window closed, magnet out of pocket, magnet stuck to side of bucket, magnet yanked off bucket, magnet used to slide the left bolt back into place, the right bolt back into place.

Downstairs: Dortmunder and Kelp ru

Kelp went. Throwing the cherrypicker into gear – he was becoming terrific at this looking-glass way of driving by now – he zipped down to Piccadilly and left toward Piccadilly Circus.

In the bucket, Chauncey couldn't believe it when the world suddenly started reeling sideways while he was still descending. "Hey!" he said, releasing the controls – the bucket stopped moving down but continued moving over – and he clutched the rim in both hands as the upper stories of Sackville Street rushed past, "Good God!" said Chauncey, and he didn't at all like the way the cherrypicker swayed when they made the left onto Piccadilly.

"Got to get down," Chauncey told himself. They must be dangerously overbalanced this way. But he couldn't force himself to release either of his handholds so he could operate the controls. Even his toes were making clutching movements, inside his shoes; especially when he looked out and saw Piccadilly Circus dead ahead. "Oh, no," he said.

Oh, yes. Swayyyyy to the right went the bucket toward the Eros statue as the truck angled left, then swayyyyy to the left as the truck roared around the Circus and shot down the hill of Haymarket. The sharp right turn into Pall Mall at the bottom of the downslope nearly sent them tumbling wheels over bucket down Cockspur Street, but the cherrypicker righted itself and hastened on.

"We were on two wheels!" Kelp cried, in outraged astonishment. "What kind of vehicle is this?"

Dortmunder, looking back through the cab's rear window, said, "He's still up there. Why doesn't he bring it down?"

"He'll tip us over!" Kelp was really angry. "What does he think this is, some kind of joyride?"

Chauncey didn't. Chauncey thought he was in Hell.

St. James's Street; another right turn, this one uphill, and to Chauncey's wondering eyes the traffic lights up on Piccadilly were red. Kelp didn't apply the brakes till the last possible second, which meant the bucket tried to keep going, so the two wheels the truck was on this time were both in front. Briefly the cherrypicker looked like some kind of yellow dinosaur imitating a bucking bronco.

But then it dropped back, and in the sudden cessation of movement Chauncey's hands clutched at the controls and dowwwww

"No more," Chauncey said, sitting on Dortmunder. "No more."

"We're being serious up here," Kelp told him angrily, "and you're back there playing games." And while Chauncey gaped at him, speechless, Kelp shifted into first and drove on.

Chapter 10

When Dortmunder awoke, Zane was already up and out of the room, but Kelp slept on, curled like a collie beneath the dresser. "Wake up," Dortmunder suggested, prodding him gently with a bare toe. "This's the day we go home."

Kelp had learned to awaken cautiously, and not sit bolt upright. Rolling slowly out from under the dresser, he straightened himself with a series of snaps and creaks and moans, while Dortmunder went off to the bathroom to make himself pretty for the flight. One P.M., leaving Heathrow, due to arrive at four P.M. (eight hours later and five time zones earlier) at Ke

Wearing a patch of toilet paper on the cut, he dressed himself and went downstairs, where he found a cheerful Chauncey, completely recovered from his ride in the bucket, drinking coffee and reading the Times in the dining-room window seat. "Good morning," Dortmunder told him.

Chauncey beamed over his paper. "Good morning? By God, Dortmunder, this is the sweetest morning of my life! You've made my day, you've turned me into a successful second-story man, and I'm delighted to have been associated with you."

"Sure," Dortmunder said, and reached for the coffeepot.

Edith wandered in, rubbing her hands together in front of her apron and gri

"I think we'll have kippers this morning Edith," Chauncey told her. "Enough for four, there's a good girl."

Edith went off, whickering, as Kelp came in, looking stiff and happy. "Never again under that dresser," he said. "It's like a pardon from the Governor." Seating himself, pouring some coffee, he said to Dortmunder, "Whadawe do with the goods we picked up last night?"

"Well, we don't bring it all through US Customs," Dortmunder said, "that's one thing for sure."

"According to the Times," Chauncey said, "you took eighty thousand pounds in merchandise from Parkeby-South last night."

Kelp said, "We're written up in the paper?"

"Right here." Chauncey passed it across.

Dortmunder said, "Eighty thousand pounds? What's that in dollars?"

"Roughly a hundred fifty thousand. How much of that would you get from a fence?"

"Maybe ten per cent."

Chauncey was surprised. "That's all? Fifteen thousand?"

"You don't get top dollar when you're peddling stuff on some police list."

"I'll give you a check myself, right now, for ten thousand dollars," Chauncey suggested. "Is that enough?"

"Not a check," Dortmunder told him.

"Yes, I see." Chauncey frowned, thinking it over. "This cash-only existence of yours can be difficult."

Kelp said, "It says here we were obviously English and well educated and trying to disguise our background with fake Australian accents."

Edith came simpering and bobbing in with four plates of hot buttery filleted kippers with lemon wedges, and they all set to, while Kelp went on reading the Times's exhaustively detailed account of the robbery. He said, "Who's Raffles?"

"Beats me," Dortmunder said.

Chauncey said, "Dortmunder, how about this? I'll phone my accountant this afternoon and tell him to convert ten thousand dollars into cash, for you to pick up next Monday. You'll have a password so he'll know you're the man who should get the money."