Never After

I closed my eyes and leaned my head against the back of the rocking chair. The walls were in need of patching, and the roof leaked, and my mother was trying desperately to sweep the floor but the dirt and sand were thick.

We’d moved into the house six years before, when Father first brought the family out of the Orkney Islands, where we were starving, to the streets of Queenstown in Ireland. The dirt here smelled nasty, unlike the clean tang of the dirt in our old home. The house was always dusty, and too close to too many humans. I longed for the sound of rolling waves cresting on the coast of the islands, but here we had food, and my brothers and father could find work. We lived on the outskirts of the city, near the cove, keeping to ourselves as most of the roane did.

That was what our people were called here—the roane, rather than selkies, but I stubbornly held on to the name I’d grown up with. Selkie was comforting and familiar; roane was strange and confusing. As confusing as the ways of the city and the bustle of so many humans wandering through the streets. After six years, I’d adapted to living in their midst, but now I wished I’d never seen the streets of Queenstown.

“I won’t marry him! I won’t.” Angry, I tossed the dress I was stitching to the floor and balled my hands into fists. I’d never spoken to my mother like this, and part of me felt embarrassed and ashamed, but there was too much at stake to go along quietly.

“Pick up that dress. It’s your wedding gown—at least for the human ceremony.” Rhia

I pressed my lips together and snatched up the dress. The linen crinkled in my hand and I wanted to slash it to ribbons rather than wear it for the man who had raped me. Father knew, and Mother. That was why Terrance had offered to marry me. He wouldn’t have to face the Pod Tribunal then.

But I’d know. I’d always know that my husband had forced me and then bought me for the promise of riches. The thought of his touch made my skin crawl and I let out a sharp cry.

“We aren’t roane. We’re selkie. He’s not one of us.” The fact that my parents knew what he’d done hadn’t swayed them. I’d already pleaded for them to take him before the Tribunal, but they were frightened by the power he held in Queenstown and among the roane. They tried to justify it, but I knew they didn’t want to rock the boat. I was the sacrificial lamb, offered on a silver platter to keep the peace and make the prince of the roane happy.

“You’re right—Terrance isn’t one of us, and that’s a good thing for the Pod,” my mother said. “You know the elders are calling for new blood. We’re dying, Siobhan. You can’t mate with our men. Inbreeding is killing our people. That’s why…”

She paused, then after a moment added, “That’s why I joined your father’s Pod. To bring new blood into the mix. No, it’s set. You’ll marry Terrance and become a princess, and bear his children for the good of our family and the Pod.”

I didn’t say anything. What could I say except to lash out at her again?

My mother paused, gazing at me out of the corner of her eye. Her voice was soft, almost gentle, as she added, “I know how you feel, my dear. I was brought into your father’s Pod in much the same way. He carried me off from my family and I couldn’t resist him, and so it was that I became Rhia

I stared at her for a moment. Were all the women of our Pod simply prizes for men? “Are we like the Finfolk, then? Do women count for nothing? Should I just roll over and let any man have his way with me if you say it’s good for our people?”

“Hush. Don’t say such things. It’s not like that.” The pained look on my mother’s face made me feel good. I’d hit a tender spot. I wanted to twist the knife, but finally just shook my head.

“Then you don’t care that he raped me. And the Tribunal closes its eyes. My own parents are content to ignore what he did in order to put food on the table and to bring new blood to the Pod?”

Rhia

“That’s it, then?”

She shrugged to indicate the argument was over. “We’re going out tonight to the waters, and you need to finish the dress before day after tomorrow. You’re getting married, Siobhan. To a prince. He’s rich, and will give you children and standing. And he’s joining our people. Take joy in the thought of what you can do for others, and be glad he finds you attractive.”

As I settled down in the rocking chair, dress in hand, my thoughts raced ahead. I had two days. Just two days in which to ensure that Terrance would never touch me again. Two days in which to change a thousand years of tradition. Or… perhaps… maybe I didn’t need to change tradition. Maybe what I needed was to change myself—to put myself out of his reach.

Mulling over this new idea, I went back to my sewing, but with every stitch, I felt like I was tightening the noose on my future.

That night, standing on the edge of the harbor, I stared out over the darkened waters. Most of my family had already slipped back into their skins and returned to the sea. Selkies hid their skins when taking human form, and each of us had a safety cache in which to store them. Now I carried mine with me as the others had, in a satchel slung low on my hip.

I watched the water, mesmerized by the lapping of the waves. Then, slowly, I edged my way toward the breakers. I glanced around. Nobody near, no one to watch. I could safely change and slip out to sea, sleekly skimming through the currents. Maybe I should just keep going. Head into open ocean and see where it took me.

Chances were I’d end up shark food or caught by fishermen, but would that be worse than a life wedded to Terrance? Than bearing his hands on me night after night?

I tried to imagine what it would be like to find myself in the grips of a shark. Fast. It would be over soon, though I’d be alone. Could I do it? Face dying by myself? I could live without my Pod, become a rogue—that I knew I was capable of. But a painful and bloody death alone in the night sea? The thought was more than I could bear.

No, I couldn’t do it. I’d always be wondering when and where the end would come, because selkies on their own didn’t last long. And if the Finfolk got hold of me, it would be worse.

As I stood there, ankle-deep in the water, another thought crept into my mind. There was one option I’d overlooked. I could end it now. Walk into the sea in human form. Drowning was easy—just let the breath go and close my eyes as I drifted in the arms of the Ocean Mother. Everything would be over… all the worry, all the fear of disappointing everyone.

Marrying Terrance was out of the question, and my parents had effectively handed me over to him. Life alone at sea was too dangerous. I couldn’t stay in the city—Terrance would find me. I couldn’t go home to the Orkneys—he’d follow me there, too.

Dazed and feeling betrayed, I slowly began to wade into the water, the skirts of my dress floating on the surface as the chill hit me to the core. Even in June, the water was cold. As I breathlessly made my way in up to my knees, my toes curled around the silt and I reveled in the feel of the soft, wet sand.