Eggsecutive Orders

“Thanks.”

Unfortunately, the warm and fuzzy feelings were short-lived. When my newspaper arrived the next morning, I spread it out on the kitchen table, and sucked in sudden panic when I turned to the Liss Is More column. Reading the first line reminded me-with the subtlety of a gut-punch-that I’d forgotten to revisit Liss’s Web version yesterday to see what comment my mom had left. With the flurry of activity, the plethora of interruptions, and so much on my mind, I’d simply forgotten.

“Oh my God,” I said.

Today Liss Is More says: “Thanks, Mom!”

Faithful readers will be interested to know that it seems this lowly column has touched a high-pressure nerve. We caught a live one yesterday. One of our “Anonymous” submitters posted the following (reprinted in its entirety from the Web):

Dear Mr. Liss,

Your column only exists to appeal to the lowest, most base of human interests. Why would you suggest that those working in the White House kitchen might have had anything to do with Carl Minkus’s death? Don’t you have better things to do? Olivia Paras runs that kitchen with energy, pride, and dignity. It’s your column and the garbage you and your followers spew that’s keeping her from being able to return to her job. Stop blaming her for canceling the Easter Egg Roll. It’s your fault. You, and people like you, only want to sell newspapers, rather than find the truth.

Sincerely,

An Angry Reader

My, my. Angry Reader indeed. She asks (and I use the pronoun “she” with confidence) if I have nothing better to do. Well, today I want to say, “Thanks, Mom,” because after reading your letter, I did find something very interesting to do. I took a closer look at our country’s executive chef and discovered that Ms. Paras’s mother and grandmother are currently in town visiting their famous progeny. You, faithful readers, will recall that Olivia Paras has already made a name for herself (can you say “notorious”?) while in our nation’s employ. Earlier this week, I broached the idea that Ms. Paras may have gotten bored and played Russian roulette with di

Does Ms. Paras care to tell us why she spent so much time meeting in secret with Suzie and Steve-the SizzleMasters-last night? After all, they, too, are under suspicion. Stay tuned, faithful readers. In coming days Liss Is More may have more to share about SizzleMaster Steve’s history with the dead agent Minkus.

Let’s all take this time to look up the word collusion in our respective dictionaries, shall we?

“Oh my God,” I said again. What had she done?

“What’s wrong?” Mom asked, coming in to the kitchen, still in her nightgown.

I expelled a hot breath and had about one second to decide my next move. “Nothing,” I said. I shut the paper.

“You look like you’ve gotten some terrible news, honey.” Moving toward the countertop, she started to pour herself a cup of coffee.

“Why don’t you shower first,” I suggested. “I made that a while ago and it’s probably stale. I’ll make fresh.”

She gave the pot a curious look. “There’s plenty in there.”

“Yeah, but it’s a little weak.” I grimaced, lifting my half-filled mug. “You and I both like it stronger. I’ll put some of the weaker stuff in the carafe for Nana.”

Mom didn’t seem entirely convinced that I gave so much thought to our morning coffee, but she shrugged. “All right. I won’t be long. What are we doing today, anyway?”

“I have to make a few phone calls,” I said. That was an understatement. All I wanted at this moment was for her to leave so I could start damage control. “But I have a few ideas. We’ll talk about it after your shower.”

Finally, she left the room.

Tom answered on the first ring. “So meddling runs in the family, eh?”

“Oh my God,” I said, for the third time. “What am I going to do?”

“You are going to do nothing at all,” he said. He gave a short laugh, which I thought was inappropriate, given the circumstances. “I guess it’s like they say: The apple doesn’t fall far from the tree.”

“What do you mean by that?”

“The next time I chastise you for getting involved in situations you should stay out of, just remind me it’s in your DNA.” He laughed again. “Your poor mom. I know she was just trying to help. How is she taking today’s new twist?”

Nana came into the room. She helped herself to a cup of coffee.

“She hasn’t seen it yet.”

“Are you going to show it to her?”

Nana settled down across from me. She squinted over the top of her mug.

“I don’t think so.”

Tom made a noise. “Do you think that’s best?”

I had no idea what was best. I had no idea which way was up at the moment. I said so.

“Listen,” Tom said, using his serious voice. “This Liss character is nothing more than a pain in the ass. Don’t give him another thought, okay? You got that? People read his column for entertainment, not for news. By next week, they’ll have forgotten all of this.”

“Not if the Egg Roll is canceled.” I was morose and felt like spreading it around. “Then nobody will ever forget. When was the last time they canceled an Egg Roll?” I asked. “I mean, except for weather, or world wars?”

“Ollie.” Still the serious tone.

“Liss paints me as a lunatic chef who would risk her guests’ safety for another shot in the limelight. Doesn’t he understand how much I hate making the front page?” My voice had gone up. Turning my ear toward the hallway, I relaxed when I realized the shower was still ru

“Okay,” Tom said, more soothingly than I had any right to expect. “Let’s just take this slowly. I suggest you ignore Liss. He’s the least of your worries right now.”

I groaned.

“You called me for a reason,” he prompted.

“I have a copy of the DVD from Suzie and Steve,” I said. “They gave it to me.”

Instead of being pleased, he got angry. “You couldn’t get a copy from me, so you went out and got one on your own? Ollie, what did I ask you about staying out of this investigation?”

“That’s why I’m telling you. They want me to go over it-heck, they want you to go over it-because they believe it will prove that no one in the kitchen could have done anything to Minkus’s food.”

“First of all…” I sensed a lecture coming on. “We aren’t going to be able to tell anything from the recording. Give me a break. How would any of us watching know whether that was salt-or arsenic-someone is adding to a dish?”

“Don’t you think the fact that we’re all willing to make the DVD public is proof of i

“Hardly proof. No matter how much you, or the SizzleMasters, want to get involved, nothing you say or do will be of any help right now. This death has to be investigated step by step. All options will be kept open until we’re able to eliminate-”

“Listen,” I said, interrupting him. “There’s a reason Suzie and Steve want you to see the DVD.”

A heartbeat of silence, then, “A reason.”

“I can’t tell you what it is, but I-”

“Ollie.”

“Trust me here, okay?”

I heard him give an exasperated sigh. “I asked you not to get involved.”

I said nothing.

Tom broke the silence. “What did Suzie and Steve tell you?”

Although I wanted to honor Steve’s request to keep the information about Mary and her history with Minkus to myself, Liss’s column today intimated that it wouldn’t be long before the whole world knew. “They told me something in confidence,” I began. “They specifically asked me not to tell you about it.”

“And you don’t find that suspicious?”