Fuzzy Navel

The oven buzzes. It’s the apple pie that I put in earlier. I’m anxious to try it. It’s the first pie I ever baked, as hard to believe as that might be.

“Would you like to help me check on the pie, Mom?” I ask. I grab the back of her chair and tug her into the kitchen, warning Jack that she’d better behave, or I’ll stick Mom’s head into the oven, on the heating element. I know from experience how much that hurts.

I set Mom up near the oven door, and we both peek inside. It smells great.

“Is it done?” I ask.

She nods. Earlier, while we were baking, she’d tried to co

I find some pot holders hanging up next to the sink – they say Home Sweet Home on the front – and take out the pie. It’s brown and bubbling and looks delicious. And hot. I bet this thing would cause some serious burns if it got thrown in someone’s face.

“If this tastes as good as it looks, maybe I’ll let you live long enough to bake another.”

Mom doesn’t seem happy with the thought. I leave the pie on the counter to cool, then drag her back into the living room. Jack and Latham are where I left them. I half hoped Jack would have hopped over to the front door and tried to get out. It would have been fun chasing her down again. But she just sits there, a whipped dog.

“I’ll pay you,” Jack says.

This surprises me. I didn’t expect the bargaining to begin so soon. At least, not before I did some breaking and cutting and burning.

“With what?” I ask. If I let her think I’m entertaining the notion, it will hurt Jack even more when I crush her hopes.

“We have some savings bonds. A few thousand dollars’ worth. And jewelry. An antique diamond necklace that my mother inherited from her mother.”

“And where is this cache of treasure?”

“In my bedroom. I can show you.”

Jack pushes herself up to a standing position, balancing on her taped feet. Now I understand. She has extra weapons in the bedroom. She’s hoping to grab one.

“Sit down,” I say. “That can wait. First let’s call up our friend Phin. Maybe he won’t be a limp dick like Casanova here.”

Jack sits, lets out a long breath. “I don’t know how to contact him.”

“Then we break one of Mom’s poor arthritic fingers for each minute you take.”

“I really don’t know. He doesn’t have a phone.”

I move behind Mom, put my hand over hers.

“I guess we’re not going to make any more pies,” I tell her.

“I don’t know how to find him!” Jack screams at me.

I decide to start small. The pinky. Then I hear a car come up the driveway. I glance out of Jack’s big bay window, facing the front yard, and see a Corvette pull up. I point the gun at Mom’s head.

“Stay quiet, or she dies,” I say.

I pull Mom toward the front door, then wait. There’s a knock.

“Jackie! You naked?”

Harry McGlade.

Jack begins to yell, but I’ve already got the door open, got the gun in Harry’s face.

“Aw, hell,” Harry says. “It’s Frankenbitch.”

I touch the barrel to Harry’s nose.

“Come on in. Join the party.”

Harry walks in. He’s as I remember him. Average height, a beer belly, three days’ growth of beard. He’s wearing black leather pants – yuck – and a yellow silk shirt with the top few buttons open, showing off a blanket of gray chest hair. He’s also wearing enough aftershave to be smelled from another zip code.

I stare down at his right hand, and am surprised to see it still attached. But closer scrutiny reveals it isn’t a real hand. It’s fake, prosthetic.

I pat Harry down, taking his keys, a cell phone, three condoms, and half a bottle of baby oil. Then I feel his artificial hand. The flesh is made of rubber, but there’s something solid underneath. I tug the covering off and look at the mechanism inside. A three-fingered metal claw, grafted to his wrist.

“You’re not even wearing a gun,” I say. “If I’m Frankenbitch, you must be Robodope.”

Again, no one laughs. Maybe this show needs a two-drink minimum.

“You have to give me the name of your plastic surgeon,” Harry says, “so I can buy him another drink.”

That warrants a kick in the balls. He doubles over. I pull him by his hair into the kitchen. I ran out of duct tape on Jack’s legs, but I have an idea that should work until I find some rope.

“Open up the robot hand,” I tell him, “and grab the refrigerator.”

Jack has one of those expensive double-door stainless steel fridges, and it’s big and solid. Harry does what I say, and locks his claw onto the freezer handle.

“Now take out your batteries.”

“They’re up my ass,” Harry says. “Stick your head up there and take a look.”

I introduce the butt of my gun to Harry’s jaw, and he falls to his knees. I spend a minute pressing and probing his prosthesis until I find the ejector for the battery pack. I pull it out and shove it into my pocket. Then I grab Harry’s collar and pull his face close to mine.

“Aren’t you happy to see me, Harry? Didn’t you miss me?”

“You should run away while there’s still time,” Harry says. “Before the villagers come with torches.”

I smile, give him a peck on the cheek. Then I whisper in his ear.

“Remember what I did to your hand? That’s nothing compared to what I have pla

Harry doesn’t have a smart-ass reply for that. I go back into the living room, feeling smug and powerful.

“I warned you, Jack. No yelling. I’m going to have to punish you for that. But first we need to invite Phin to this reunion.” I press the speaker button, then toss Jack her cell phone. “Call him.”

“He doesn’t have a phone,” Jack says.

“Then you’d better think of some other way to get in touch.”

I go over to Mom, squeeze her hand. Mom gasps.

“I’ll try the pool hall I’ve seen him at,” Jack blurts out. “I need to call information.”

“If you dial 911, you watch your mother die.”

Jack wisely chooses 411, asks the computer voice for Joe’s Pool Hall in Chicago, and gets co

“Pool hall,” the phone says.

“I need to speak to a guy there. Name is Phin Troutt. Blond, crew cut, probably wearing a white T-shirt and jeans. Tell him it’s Jack, and it’s an emergency.”

“Hold on.”

We wait, listening to the background noise.

“Hey, Jackie!” Harry, from the kitchen. “Does this mean we’re not go

I think back to the last time I killed several people at once. A family. Mom, Dad, teenage girl. I couldn’t remember the reason. But did I ever need a reason?

“Hello?”

“Phin!” The relief in Jack’s voice is obvious. “I need you to come to my house. Right away.”

“You don’t need another wedding date, do you? The last time didn’t work out well for me.”

“I… need your help.”

Jack gives Phin the address. Phin doesn’t answer.

“Hello? Hello? The call got dropped.” She presses a few buttons. “It isn’t working.”

“Let’s try Harry’s phone,” I say.

“How about instead, you try eating that gun, you freak-of-nature gargoyle!”

I make a mental note to cut out Harry’s tongue when I go back into the kitchen. Then I toss Jack the cell.

She presses some buttons then says, “No ser vice.”

I pick up the cordless phone on a table. No dial tone. Latham’s phone doesn’t work either. How strange. It’s almost as if someone is blocking the-

A bullet comes through the front window and the revolver jerks from my hand, flying across the room. I see the blood on my fingers, feel a sting, and realize that someone has shot me. My previous military experience makes me drop to the floor and elbow-crawl away from the window.

Jack yells, “Get down!” and she drags Latham to the floor. Then she inchworms over to Mom and pushes her chair over. Another shot hits the TV, causing the screen to explode.

“What the hell is going on!” Harry cries from the kitchen.