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"I can't really remember anything from that part of my life."
"You mean from that day?"
"No. From that year. And the year after. Anything pretty much from when I was ten until when I turned twelve. And there are a few other holes, too."
"You mean that stuff is just too painful to remember?"
"No, it's just… gone. All I have are impressions." And the dreams. Really really bad dreams.
"Like what?"
"Like that I wasn't where I should have been and something happened and I let everyone down…" She stopped, waved a hand in the air.
"Wait, you actually think you could have stopped whatever happened to them? By yourself? When you were four years younger than me?"
Miranda's throat felt like it was closing up. She'd never told anyone even that much of her real history before, never talked about it, not even with Kenzi. Ever. She swallowed hard. "I could have tried. I could have been there and tried."
"Oh my gods, now this is some kind of pity party. Yawn. Wake me when you're done."
Miranda gaped at her in the mirror. "I told you I didn't want to talk about it but you kept bugging me and now you turn into the mayor of TellItLikeItIsVille?" Swallowing again. "You little-"
"You don't even know what happened! How can you feel so bad about it? Plus, I don't see how that can be your fault. You weren't even there and you were only ten. I think you should stop obsessing about some mystery thing that is ancient history and live in the mo."
"I'm sorry, did you just tell me to 'live in the mo'?"
"Yes. You know, ditch the past and try focusing on what's going on in the present. Like that the song on the radio right now? Sucks. And that there is a whole city of cute boys out there I am not kissing." Miranda took a deep breath, but before she could say anything, Sibby went on. "I know, I know you say you're sorry to the people you knock out because you never got to say sorry to your family, and you have to keep me safe because you couldn't keep them safe. I get it now."
"That is not what's going on. I-"
"Blah blah blah, insert denials here. Anyway, why does 'safe' have to mean sitting in this car with you all night? Isn't there somewhere we could blend in? Instead of hiding? I'm good at blending. I'm like butter."
"Oh yeah, you're totally like butter. In fact, in your Mado
"Good one, Funkiller. Come on, let's go somewhere."
Miranda turned all the way around in her seat and said, "Let me sound it out for you. Someone. Is. Trying. To. Kill. You."
"No. They. Are. Not. You keep saying that, but I've told you. They can't kill me. You should really work on this obsession you have with people getting killed. And I have to be honest with you, I'm getting bored. What do you have the radio set to, K-CRAP? There is no way we are staying in this car for six hours."
Miranda had to agree with her. Because if they did, it was now clear she'd kill Sibby herself.
That's when she thought of the perfect place for them to go.
"You want to blend in?" she asked.
"Yes. With boys."
"Guys," Miranda said.
"What?"
"Normal American girls from this century call them guys, not boys. If you want to blend in."
For a second, Sibby looked shocked. Then she gave a little smile. "Oh. Yes. Guys."
"'Yeah, not 'yes. Unless you're talking to a grown-up."
"Yeah."
"And it's 'Oh my God' or 'God, not 'gods. "
"Did I-?"
"Yeah. And no one ever has or ever will say, 'live in the mo. "
"Just wait."
"No. Never. Oh, and no paying guys for kisses. You don't need to. They should feel lucky to kiss you."
Sibby frowned. "Why are you being so nice to me and helping me? You don't even like me."
"Because I know what it's like to be far from home, alone, trying to fit in. And to never be able to tell anyone the truth about who you are."
After they'd been driving in silence for a few minutes, Sibby said, "Have you ever killed someone with your bare hands?"
Miranda looked at her in the rearview. "Not yet."
"Ha-ha."
Chapter Eight
"You're crazy," Sibby said as they walked in. Her eyes were pancake-size. "You said this would suck. This doesn't suck. This is fantastic."
Miranda shuddered. They'd snuck into the Grand Hall of the Santa Barbara Historical Society by an emergency exit that had been propped open so prom attendees could slip out to get stoned, and glancing around, Miranda could see how getting stoned would be super-appealing. The walls of the room had been covered in blue satin with white stars embroidered on it, the four big columns in the middle were draped in red and white ribbons, the tables off to the side were covered in American flag-print cloths with fishbowl centerpieces in which the fish had been somehow dyed red and blue, and around the edges major American landmarks such as Mount Rushmore, the White House, the Statue of Liberty, the Liberty Bell, and the Old Faithful geyser had been reconstructed-out of sugar cubes. Courtesy of Ariel West's father. Ariel had a
Miranda didn't know if it was that, the balloons on rubber cords hanging from the ceiling that bounced lazily up and down as people passed under them, or foreboding, but she had a distinct queasy feeling.
Sibby was in heaven.
"Remember-most of the guys here came with dates, so try to be subtle with the Kissing Bandit stuff," Miranda said.
"Yeah, fine."
"And if you hear me call to you, you come."
"Do I look like a dog to you?" Miranda gave her a sharp glance. Sibby said, "Fine, okay, Funkiller."
"And if you feel like anything weird is going on at all, you-"
"— let you know. I've got it. Now you go and have some fun yourself. Oh, right, you probably don't know how. Well, when in doubt, ask yourself, 'What Would Sibby Do? "
"Can I unsubscribe from that list, please?"
Sibby was too busy sca
"Whoa, who's that hot di
Miranda looked around for a hot di
"Helllllo, Phillip," Sibby said, plotting a direct course for him.
Miranda stashed her skate bag underneath a table and stayed close to the wall, between the White House and Old Faithful, partially to keep Sibby in view and partially to avoid being noticed by any faculty members. She'd changed in the employee bathroom from her work suit into the only other thing she had with her, but although it was red, white, and blue, she didn't think that her Roller Derby uniform was really appropriate prom attire. There were two uniforms in her skate bag, a home uniform-white satin halter top and bottom with blue cape and red, white, and blue stripes on the skirt (if you could call something that was five inches long and required attached panties to be worn under it a skirt)-and an away uniform: the same thing, only in blue. She'd decided white was more formal, but she was pretty sure that wearing it with her black work flats was not helping the look.
She'd been standing there for a while, wondering how everyone but her was completely capable of being on a dance floor without debilitating anyone, when she heard a pair of heartbeats she recognized and saw Kenzi and Beth sliding through the crowd toward her.
"You came!" Kenzi said, giving her a big hug. One of the things Miranda loved about Kenzi was that she acted like she was on Ecstasy even when she wasn't, telling people that she loved them, hugging them, never embarrassed about it. "I'm so glad you're here. It didn't feel right without you. So, are you ready to unshackle yourself from the insecurities of your youth? Ready to own your future?"