Deception aka Sanctum

Accepting it, just as a possibility, here, in the sanctuary of this secret room, feels strangely comfortable. It feels as though I have known all along that she might have done it and have sprained my brain trying not to admit it. Could all that pain and discomfort have come from my lack of acceptance? I wonder whether Susie could have given Gow her wedding ring as a sign of her loyalty. Then he could have killed Do

If she killed either of them, she’s in the right place. If she did it, then Margie is better off growing up without her, and I’m better off by myself. I’m young enough to start again. I’m not in a bad position to be left alone. I live in a lovely house, I have a beautiful daughter who is healthy and adorable. I have access to a lot of money in my bank accounts- really, a lot of money. I’d never have to work again. I could get full-time child care in the house now and actually get down to some writing. I could buy a laptop, get rid of this machine, which is and always will be her machine, and make this my own study.

I can feel myself separating off from Susie, pulling away and slowly letting the skin between us split. It hurts. I feel the pull and ripping tug on the unripe scab. There will be a right time to pull away completely, but just now I ca

Box 3 (overspill from 2) Document 15 “College Friends Mourn Gina’s Death,” Evening Times, 5/13/98

A memorial service was held yesterday for Gina Wilson, victim number two in the second spate of Riverside Ripper murders. College and school friends joined Gina’s family outside St. Michael’s Chapel in Mount Vernon.

“She was a lovely girl,” said a college friend, “we will all miss her.”

Gina, 19, had been studying catering at the city’s Central College of Catering and Hospitality Management. She was a popular girl who was active in her local church. She had given up her Easter holidays for the past four years to accompany groups of disabled children on pilgrimage to Lourdes.

I keep transcribing these things, and I don’t know why I’m doing it. All they do is make me recall portions of our lives that I’ve forgotten.

Box 3 Document 16 “Crimewatch Gina Offers No New Clues,” Glasgow Herald, 5/15/98

Despite a reconstruction on the BBC’s Crimewatch program, no new witnesses to Gina Wilson’s movements have come forward. What is known is that Gina Wilson went missing on her way home from a nightclub in the city center after a night out with friends. Gina followed the Broomielaw down to the junction of Union Street looking for a taxi and then disappeared. Both her body and that of the previous victim, Nicola Hall, were found in locations bordering the river.

Ripperologists have warned that the murders could be following the original pattern of the Riverside Ripper slayings.

I’m trying to break the habit of coming up here in the middle of the night. There’s no point in poring over the articles if there isn’t going to be an appeal. I need to get back to sleeping properly. I come up here and spend hours smoking and hiding.

I was lying in the dark ten minutes ago, thinking about Susie. It is very dark tonight. It’ll get worse before the winter’s over. In the dank dark, right in front of my face, I saw Susie sitting in her cell, a miniature square of white, so small I had to squint hard to see, and my head began to hurt. She is sitting on her bed, looking at her hands. The light above her is bright, and her face is washed out with the whiteness of it. Susie is thinking about killing herself.

I see her being locked in her suicide-watch cell, the guard checking her through the eyepiece. Susie’s sitting quite still on the edge of her bed, listening to the scuffling noises outside the door. She stares at her hands, exaggerating her medicated muddle, her jaw hanging open. From outside the door she hears the scratch of metal on metal as the guard slides the eye-shield down and moves on to check the next cell. They probably don’t do that; it would be too obvious a signal that they had finished looking at the prisoner. They probably can’t hear anything inside, but in the bright box Susie has some physical sign that she is no longer being watched. She suddenly becomes animated, moving too quickly as befits her fruit-fly size and mental excitement. She stands up and hurtles over to the wall, pulls a rope made from knotted bed linen out from her sleeve and loops it over the radiator. The light is bright in the room, and I have to squint once more to see. It’s Susie but not Susie; it looks like her but it isn’t her. She hooks the rope around her neck and grins, a smile so wide it almost splits her face. Her eyes are already dead as she sits down short of the floor, her hair jerks up and down, and she hangs, gri

I sat up and did breathing exercises, trying to calm myself down. It’s nonsense, like the monsters Margie thinks are in the toilet, or the ankle-grabbing hairy hand under the bed. And then I lay back down and saw her again.

The prison would have phoned me to tell me if anything had happened to Susie, but I keep thinking that she may have killed herself just one second ago. They are cutting her down, notifying the doctor, getting the death cert, before they contact me. It would take about thirty minutes to an hour for them to contact me, I think. And then I think, no, she’s still alive, but I’m wishing her dead. I’m wishing her dead because it would make everything less complicated for me. Then I could be a sad rich widower and women would want to save me. I could step back from my sadness by writing about love and the empire, or loss and philosophy. Women would flock to me and men would seek my company. It would be so much less complicated than this peculiarly suburban mess of inching betrayal and small insults. Anything would be better than this.

In the deep dark night, I know Susie stopped loving me a long time ago. What I took to be familiarity was friendship and boredom. She loved Gow, not me, and she killed him and his wife. With a family pack of wine gums in her pocket, she followed them up north and killed them both.

She didn’t even do me the honor of divorcing me. She just ignored me. No matter how hard I try not to care about her, I do. But she doesn’t reciprocate. You can’t really fake that sort of disinterest.

She’s the only person I’m close to, the only person I co