Going Postal

‘Coo, you’re a good draw-er, Mr Lipwig. That looks just like Lord Vetinari!’

‘That’s the pe

‘They look very nice, Mr Lipwig,’ said Stanley. ‘All that detail. Like little paintings. What’s all those tiny lines called?’

‘Cross-hatching. Makes them hard to forge. And when the letter with the stamp on it comes into the Post Office, you see, we take one of the old rubber stamps and stamp over the new stamps so they can’t be used again, and the—’

‘Yes, ‘cos they’re like money, really,’ said Stanley cheerfully.

‘Pardon?’ said Moist, tea halfway to his lips.

‘Like money. These stamps’ll be like money, ‘cos a pe

‘Er… what?’ said Moist, who was staring at the wall with a strange, faraway grin.

‘Are you all right, sir?’

‘What? Oh. Yes. Yes, indeed. Er… do we need a bigger stamp, do you think? Five dollars, perhaps?’

‘Hah, I should think you could send a big letter all the way to Fourecks for that, Mr Lipwig!’ said Stanley cheerfully.

‘Worth thinking ahead, then,’ said Moist. ‘I mean, since we’re designing the stamps and everything… ’

But now Stanley was admiring Mr Robinson’s box. It was an old friend to Moist. He never used ‘Mr Robinson’ as an alias except to get it stored by some halfway-honest merchant or publican, so that it’d be somewhere safe even if he had to leave town quickly. It was for a con-man and forger what a set of lock picks is to a burglar, but with the contents of this box you could open people’s brains.

It was a work of art in its own right, the way all the little compartments lifted up and fa

Just like me, he thought.

The door was knocked on and opened in one movement.

‘Yes?’ snapped Moist, not looking up. ‘I’m busy designing mon— stamps here, you know!’

‘There’s a lady,’ panted Groat. ‘With golems !’

‘Ah, that’ll be Miss Dearheart,’ said Moist, laying down his pen.

‘Yessir. She said “Tell Mr Sunshine I’ve brought him his postmen”, sir! You’re going to use golems as postmen, sir?’

‘Yes. Why not?’ said Moist, giving Groat a severe look. ‘You get on okay with Mr Pump, don’t you?’

‘Well, he’s all right, sir,’ the old man mumbled. ‘I mean, he keeps the place tidy, he’s always very respectful… I speak as I find, but people can be a bit odd about golems, sir, what with them glowing eyes and all, and the way they never stops . The lads might not take to ‘em, sir, that’s all I’m saying.’

Moist stared at him. Golems were thorough, reliable and by gods they took orders. He’d get another chance to be smiled at by Miss Dearheart — Think about golems! Golems, golems, golems!

He smiled, and said, ‘Even if I can prove they’re real postmen?’

Ten minutes later the fist of the golem called Anghammarad smashed through a letter box and several square inches of splintering wood.

‘Mail Delivered,’ it a

Moist turned to the cluster of human postmen and gestured towards the impromptu Postman’s Walk he’d set up in the big hall.

‘Note the flattened roller skate, gentlemen. Note the heap of ground glass where the beer bottle was. And Mr Anghammarad did it all with a hood on his head, I might add.’

‘Yeah, but his eyes burned holes in it,’ Groat pointed out.

‘None of us can help the way we’re made,’ said Adora Belle Dearheart primly.

‘I’ve got to admit, it did my heart good to see him punch through that door,’ said Senior Postman Bates. ‘That’ll teach ‘em to put ‘em low and sharp.’

‘And no problem with dogs, I expect,’ said Jimmy Tropes. ‘He’d never get the arse bitten out of his trousers.’

‘So you all agree a golem is suitable to become a postman?’ said Moist.

Suddenly all the faces twisted up as the postmen shuffled into a chorus.

‘Well, it’s not us, you understand… ’

‘. . . people can be a bit fu

‘. . . all that stuff about taking jobs away from real people… ’

‘. . . nothing against him at all, but… ’

They stopped, because the golem Anghammarad was begi

He said: ‘What Is A Post Man?’

‘A messenger, Anghammarad,’ said Miss Dearheart. Moist noticed that she spoke to golems differently. There was actual tenderness in her voice.

‘Gentlemen,’ he said to the postmen, ‘I know you feel—’

‘I Was A Messenger,’ Anghammarad rumbled.

His voice was not like Mr Pump’s, and neither was his clay. He looked like a crude jigsaw puzzle of different clays, from almost black through red to light grey. Anghammarad’s eyes, unlike the furnace glow of those of the other golems, burned a deep ruby red. He looked old. More than that, he felt old. The chill of time radiated off him.

On one arm, just above the elbow, was a metal box on a corroded band that had stained the clay.

‘Ru

‘Most Recently I Delivered The Decrees Of King Het Of Thut,’ said Anghammarad.

‘Never heard of any King Het,’ said Jimmy Tropes.

‘I Expect That Is Because The Land Of Thut Slid Under The Sea Nine Thousand Years Ago,’ said the golem solemnly. ‘So It Goes.’

‘Blimey! You’re nine thousand years old?’ said Groat.

‘No. I Am Almost Nineteen Thousand Years Old, Having Been Born In The Fire By The Priests Of Upsa In The Third Ning Of The Shaving Of The Goat. They Gave Me A Voice That I Might Carry Messages. Of Such Things Is The World Made.’

‘Never heard of them either,’ said Tropes.

‘Upsa Was Destroyed By The Explosion Of Mount Shiputu. I Spent Two Centuries Under A Mountain Of Pumice Before It Eroded, Whereupon I Became A Messenger For The Fishermen Kings Of The Holy Ult. It Could Have Been Worse.’

‘You must’ve seen lots of things, sir!’ said Stanley.

The glowing eyes turned to him, lighting up his face. ‘Sea Urchins. I Have Seen Many Sea Urchins. And Sea Cucumbers. And The Dead Ships, Sailing. Once There Was An Anchor. All Things Pass.’

‘How long were you under the sea?’ said Moist.

‘It Was Almost Nine Thousand Years.’

‘You mean… you just sat there?’ said Aggy.

‘I Was Not Instructed To Do Otherwise. I Heard The Song Of The Whales Above Me. It Was Dark. Then There Was A Net, And Rising, And Light. These Things Happen.’

‘Didn’t you find it… well, dull?’ said Groat. The postmen were staring.

‘Dull,’ said Anghammarad blankly, and turned to look at Miss Dearheart.

‘He has no idea what you mean,’ she said. ‘None of them have. Not even the younger ones.’

‘So I expect you’ll be keen to deliver messages again, then!’ said Moist, far more jovially than he’d intended. The golem’s head turned towards Miss Dearheart again.