Cherry Bomb

“Why? Why the hell do you need to understand me?”

“Because…”

He gave me that look again and I knew that he was going to say the L word, and I did not need to deal with that right now.

“Never mind,” I interrupted. “We need to get to Gurnee and meet Harry. You want to drive, or rifle through my purse some more?”

He went from lovey-dovey to wounded, which I preferred.

“I’ll drive.”

I followed Phin out to the Bronco. The day was gray, overcast, and matched my mood. We got in the truck and didn’t say anything to each other for the first half hour of the drive. I finally got hungry and picked out one of the donuts he bought.

“Sprinkles,” I said, after swallowing a bite.

“Excuse me?”

“I like donuts with sprinkles.”

“Oh. Good to know. Anything you want to know about me?”

He sniffled, rubbed his nose. I resisted the temptation to ask which coke he preferred, Colombian or Panamanian. I also resisted asking him about criminal acts he’d committed in his past. I was curious how bad this bad boy really was, but I was also a cop and might feel compelled to act on the information. Sometimes ignorance makes things easier.

“Does it hurt?” I asked instead.

“The cancer?”

I nodded.

“Only some of the time.”

“When doesn’t it hurt?”

“When I’m asleep.”

“The pain is bad?”

He nodded, took one hand off the wheel to rub his elbow again. I reached out, touched his injury.

“Jesus, Phin! It feels like you have a beanbag in your elbow.”

“It’s pieces of cartilage. I’m supposed to keep it immobile.”

“You should have it in a sling. You don’t want permanent damage.”

“It won’t be permanent,” he said.

He didn’t say it with regret, or self-pity. He said it matter-of-factly, like he was talking about the weather.

I’d met some tough guys. Cops. Military. Bikers. Mobsters. Killers. With one sentence, Phin took the tough-guy crown. Which made me want to kiss him.

Jesus, this was messed up.

The phone rang. I cringed, thinking it was Alex, but it was Harry again.

“Where you at, sis?”

“We’re taking the Gurnee exit now.”

“I’m on the north side of the mall. Knock three times.”

“What about that deal you made?” I asked, referring to him selling out Phin to the Feds. I didn’t want to walk into a Feebie party.

“Not until we catch Alex. Trust me.”

Gurnee Mills was one of the largest malls in America, but the Crimebago was easy to find, even in the packed parking lot. Phin pulled up behind it, and I knocked three times like Harry instructed.

“Door’s open!” he called from inside.

Upon opening the door, I was greeted by a nasty smell. Not the normal nasty smell I associated with Harry. Something far worse.

“Jesus, Harry, it stinks in here.”

“I’m working on that.”

Harry was in a rumpled suit, stained with wet spots of various colors. He was holding a handful of those cardboard pine-scented car fresheners shaped like Christmas trees. But I wasn’t smelling pine. I was smelling zoo on a hot day.

There was a scream to our left, and I dropped to one knee and struggled to dig my gun out of my purse. When I got it in my hand Harry grabbed my wrist.

“Sis, don’t shoot Slappy!”

Another screech. I followed the sound to a large wire cage. Inside the cage was a monkey. It was light brown, perhaps eight or nine pounds, with large brown eyes and the cutest little monkey face.

I put my gun away.

“This is the extra help you recruited?” I asked.

He nodded, gri

“I think it’s pronounced ma-kak,” Phin said.

Harry scratched his stubble. “That’s not what Al told me.”

“Al?”

“Al at Al’s Exotic Pets, in Deer Park. He sold him to me this morning.”

“He’s adorable,” I said, meaning it. “Why’d you name him Slappy?”

On cue, the monkey slapped himself on the side of the head. He did this over and over, increasing in speed and force. The sound wasn’t unlike applause.

Harry frowned. “There wasn’t much of a selection down at Al’s. It was either him or another primate I would have named Gassy. He also had some sort of gibbon, missing an arm and both legs.”

“Stumpy?” Phin said.

“More like Sitty. I’ve seen turtles that moved faster. I wonder if he was dead.”

“I think you chose perfectly,” I said.

Slappy screeched again, baring sharp yellow teeth.

“You sure he’s tame?”

“Most of the time. But don’t put your fingers near the cage.”

I knelt down on the carpet to get a closer look. Monkeys always fascinated me, ever since I was a little girl. Blame Curious George.

“Hello, Slappy. I’m Jack.”

Something wet hit me in the cheek. Something wet and brown and horribly stinky.

“Your monkey threw poop at me.”

“He does that. There are baby wipes next to his cage.”

I reached for one, and Slappy managed to pitch another slider, which hit me in the nose.

“I think he’s aiming for my mouth,” I said, mopping my face with baby wipes.

“Are you wearing makeup? He was rescued from a research lab. They tested cosmetics on him. Don’t let him see your lipstick-he gets a little agitated.”

“I’m not wearing-” I dodged left, a monkey turd zinging by my face. He was definitely aiming for my mouth.

“I like him,” Phin said. “He’s spunky.”

Slappy aimed and Phin ducked, dung splattering on the wall.

“Remind me again why you bought this thing,” I said to McGlade.

“I wanted to train him to get me beer and watch sports. But all he does is throw feces, hit himself in the face, and scream. He’s kind of a downer.”

Slappy screamed in agreement. Then he pressed his pelvis against the side of the cage and urinated on the floor. The smell was pee times a hundred, and made me cover my nose.

“He does that too,” McGlade said. “A lot. Al said he knows how to use the toilet.”

The stream arced through the air, landing on Harry’s sofa. Harry picked up a coffee mug that said Don’t Worry Be Happy and tried to catch the stream. I stepped away.

“I think maybe Al lied to you.”

Slappy screeched, then began banging his little monkey head into the side of his cage.

“You should buy him a helmet,” Phin said.

“He came with one. I took it off because I thought it was cruel. Now I’m afraid to get close enough to put it back on.”

I crouched down again, wary of another salvo but determined to make friends.

“I think you just need to learn some ma

Slappy stopped banging his head and made an adorable cooing sound. Then he grabbed his little monkey ding-dong and began to beat off with frightening intensity, keeping his eyes on me the whole time.

Never saw Curious George do that.

I got out of range and busied myself looking for the rifles. They were in the bedroom closet. I checked to make sure they were loaded, safeties on.

“What does he eat?” Phin asked.

“It’s called monkey chow. It’s not that bad. Sort of tastes like meat-flavored charcoal briquettes.”

“You tried it?”

“Yeah. Want some?”

“I’m go

“Slappy hates them. See?”

I carried the rifles back to the main room just as McGlade was bending down, handing Slappy a tan square object the size of a mini candy bar. Slappy took it, screeched, and bounced the food off Harry’s forehead.

“Well, it’s been fun,” I told Harry. “But we’ve got to get going.”

Harry frowned. “But I want to tell you how I found the second phone. It was in the mall, hidden behind a flat-screen TV at Sears. I used my Bluetooth receiver and…”

I kept one eye on Slappy as Harry droned on. The macaque seemed to be temporarily out of bodily fluids, but I didn’t know what his refractory period was.