Dirty Martini

“Where is the rest of your squad? I only saw the fat guy. Only two of you came for me?”

I said, “More are coming,” and surprised myself by how strong it came out.

“I’d better hurry then. I was thinking this was a final siege, an Alamo. But if it’s only you two, then I can kill you both and get away. Then I can start all over again.”

He raised the jet injector and took another cautious step forward. I brought up the AMT. My hand was no longer shaking. If I died, I died. Once I accepted that, a lot of the fear went away.

Schimmel paused, looking unsure.

“If you shoot me, they’ll sting you.”

“Fair trade,” I said, my teeth clenched.

“Jackie! Duck!”

I looked to my left, and saw McGlade standing a few yards away, holding a semiautomatic in his left hand. He fired six times. Predictably, all six shots missed Schimmel, the bullets burying themselves into the stacked wooden beehive.

The bees weren’t happy. I

I rolled backward just as Schimmel sprayed a cloud of ricin at the space I used to occupy. He jumped to the right, then scurried away to the rear of the greenhouse.

I continued to crab-walk backward, to get away from the bees, but they pretty much ignored me, focusing their wrath on McGlade. He ran past me, a cloud of bees around him, and then doubled back and went in the opposite direction, the whole time screaming, “THEY’RE BITING ME! THEY’RE BITING ME!”

A BOOM to my right, and a sharp cry. Beanbag rounds were used to induce what law enforcement officers called “pain compliance.” They weren’t lethal, but they hurt so badly you wished they were. I limped after the sound and saw Schimmel writhing around on the ground, next to a small aquarium. The jet injector lay a few feet away. Herb was standing over him.

“Where’d you hit him?” I asked.

“Stomach. Want me to peg him a few more times?”

“No need. I think he’s been subdued.”

Schimmel moaned, doubling up into the fetal position.

“You got cuffs?” Herb asked.

“No. You?”

“No. There’s probably something back in the chopper. I’ll-”

The Chemist rolled up to his knees and reached for the aquarium beside him, lifting. Before he had a chance to throw it at us, Herb fired another beanbag into his legs.

Schimmel fell, the aquarium crashing down on top of him, dumping water and rocks and brightly colored shells onto his body.

He gasped once.

And then he began to scream.

CHAPTER 46

I FOUND OUT LATER that the brightly colored creatures in that aquarium were called cone snails, and their toxin was among the most poisonous in the animal kingdom.

The snails apparently hadn’t liked their environment being disturbed in such a rough fashion, and moments after landing on Schimmel, they showed their disapproval.

First came screaming. Then convulsions. Then spitting blood.

Carey Schimmel died right before the ambulance arrived, but I think their four-minute response time would have pleased him.

Along with the ambulance, the police arrived in full force. Crime scene units. The SRT. K9 units. I think they came for closure more than anything else, to see the corpse of the man who had caused them so much pain. Though the police dog did sniff out a corpse in Schimmel’s compost heap-one that was quickly ID’ed as retired cop Jason Alger, as evidenced by his missing fingers.

As the paramedics loaded a very puffy-looking Harry McGlade into their truck, I asked them to wait a moment so I could speak to the a

“Nice job, McGlade.”

“Thankth.”

His pronunciation wasn’t too good, because while he was ru

“Where’d you get the gun?” I asked him.

“Chopper. Took it from the cockpit when you guys were playing around with the launcher.”

“So your hand wasn’t stuck on the ladder?”

He smiled, looking a lot like a lumpy pumpkin. “I knew you’d need my help.”

I patted him on the shoulder. “I’ll speak to the mayor as soon as I get back to the office. I’ll make sure you get your bar.”

He shook his head. “No bar.”

“I thought you wanted a liquor license.”

“I’m not a bar owner,” Harry sputtered. He stared at me, hard. “I’m a private eye.”

I gri

“I’m that too. Want to hear one?”

“If it’s quick.”

“This one is called ‘Grandma.’ Ready?”

“As I’ll ever be.”

“My grandma wears a diaper. I really hate to wipe her.”

He waited for my reaction. “Stick to private investigation,” I told him, then went off to find Herb. He was just getting off the phone with his wife.

“What’s the verdict?” I asked.

“Starting tomorrow, I’m back in Homicide. Bernice said it would be selfish of me to waste all of this talent in Robbery.”

We embraced. It felt good.

“Welcome back.”

“She also said there were zero casualties. The plant and the water absorbed most of the blast. The mayor of Skokie is giving her, me, you, and that idiot McGlade keys to the city.”

“I’d settle for a new purse. Mine blew up in that truck.”

“It could have been a lot worse.”

“Are you kidding? That purse was a Gucci.”

Herb offered to share a cab back to Skokie, to pick up our cars, but I couldn’t pick up my car without my car keys, which were in my purse. Along with all of my cash and credit cards.

“Can you even get in your house?” Herb asked.

“No.”

“You want to stay with us tonight, until you get everything worked out?”

I looked past Herb to Special Agent Rick Reilly, who was headed in our direction.

“No need,” I said. “I know someone who won’t mind giving me a ride and putting me up for the night.”

“You sure?” Herb asked.

I thought about it. Thought about it really hard.

“Yeah. I’m pretty sure.”

“Okay. I’ll see you soon, partner.”

“Bye, Herb.”

He waddled off, and I waited for Rick to approach.

CHAPTER 47

“THANKS FOR CALLING ME. I know we didn’t part on exactly the best of terms.”

The Eisenhower Expressway was packed as usual, even on a Sunday. But rather than frustrate me, the stop-and-go traffic had a rhythm to it that was kind of soothing.

“This doesn’t mean anything,” I told him. “I just needed a ride and a place to sleep.”

“I understand.”

We were silent for a while.

“Are you hurt?”

“A little. Twisted my ankle, got a bump on the head.”

He took his right hand off the steering wheel and went to touch my head. I flinched away from it.

“Sorry,” he said.

“It’s… too soon. We need to take this slow. I’m not even sure if this is the right thing to do.” I laughed humorlessly. “Mom is going to hate me.”

Wilbur smiled. “Your mother is a tough cookie, but she could never hate you.”

“She sure hates you.”

“Staying would have been bad for her. She wasn’t getting the love she deserved, and I was holding her back.”

“How do you mean?”

“She always wanted to be a police officer. Talked about it when we were dating. But when we got married, she dropped the subject. Married women don’t have careers, she said. I’m a wife and a mother now. When I left, I offered to support both of you. Your mother took child support, but she wouldn’t take alimony. Proud woman. Strong. Like you.”

“Wilbur, I’m really not comfortable with you talking about me like you know me. How do you know I’m strong?”

“I know.”

I turned away from him, closed my eyes until we arrived at his house. I thought about Rick, about his final attempt at the Schimmel residence to make a play for me, and how empty it felt. Then I thought about Latham, about the opportunity I’d blown by not immediately saying yes to his proposal, and if there was anything I could do to make it up to him.