The Bad Beginning

Mr. Poe opened his mouth as if to say something, but began to cough instead. For several seconds he coughed into a handkerchief while everyone waited for him to speak. ``I won't allow it,'' Mr. Poe finally gasped, wiping his mouth. ``I absolutely will not allow it.''

``I'm afraid you have to,'' Count Olaf replied.

``I'm-I'm afraid Olaf is right,'' Justice Strauss said, through her tears. ``This marriage is legally binding.''

``Begging your pardon,'' Violet said suddenly, ``but I think you may be wrong.''

Everyone turned to look at the eldest Baudelaire orphan.

``What did you say, Countess?'' Olaf said.

``I'm not your countess,'' Violet said testily, a word which here means ``in an extremely a

``And why is that?'' Count Olaf said.

``I did not sign the document in my own hand, as the law states,'' Violet said.

``What do you mean? We all saw you!'' Count Olaf's eyebrow was begi

``I'm afraid your husband is right, dear,'' Justice Strauss said sadly. ``There's no use denying it. There are too many witnesses.''

``Like most people,'' Violet said, ``I am right-handed. But I signed the document with my left hand.''

``What?'' Count Olaf cried. He snatched the paper from Justice Strauss and looked down at it. His eyes were shining very bright. ``You are a liar!'' he hissed at Violet.

``No she's not,'' Klaus said excitedly. ``I remember, because I watched her left hand trembling as she signed her name.''

``It is impossible to prove,'' Count Olaf said.

``If you like,'' Violet said, ``I shall be happy to sign my name again, on a separate sheet of paper, with my right hand and then with my left. Then we can see which signature the one on the document most resembles.''

``A small detail, like which hand you used to sign,'' Count Olaf said, ``doesn't matter in the least.''

``If you don't mind, sir,'' Mr. Poe said, ``I'd like Justice Strauss to make that decision.''

Everyone looked at Justice Strauss, who was wiping away the last of her tears. ``Let me see,'' she said quietly, and closed her eyes again. She sighed deeply, and the Baudelaire orphans, and all who liked them, held their breath as Justice Strauss furrowed her brow, thinking hard on the situation. Finally, she smiled. ``If Violet is indeed right-handed,'' she said carefully, ``and she signed the document with her left hand, then it follows that the signature does not fulfill the requirements of the nuptial laws. The law clearly states the document must be signed in the bride's own hand. Therefore, we can conclude that this marriage is invalid. Violet, you are not a countess, and Count Olaf, you are not in control of the Baudelaire fortune.''

``Hooray!'' cried a voice from the audience, and several people applauded. Unless you are a lawyer, it will probably strike you as odd that Count Olaf's plan was defeated by Violet signing with her left hand instead of her right. But the law is an odd thing. For instance, one country in Europe has a law that requires all its bakers to sell bread at the exact same price. A certain island has a law that forbids anyone from removing its fruit. And a town not too far from where you live has a law that bars me from coming within five miles of its borders. Had Violet signed the marriage contract with her right hand, the law would have made her a miserable countess, but because she signed it with her left, she remained, to her relief, a miserable orphan.

What was good news to Violet and her siblings, of course, was bad news to Count Olaf. Nevertheless, he gave everyone a grim smile. ``In that case,'' he said to Violet, pushing a button on the walkie-talkie, ``you will either marry me again, and correctly this time, or I will-''

``Neepo!'' Su

``Su

``Somebody bring her something to eat,'' Violet said. ``She must be very hungry after hanging in a tower window all that time.''

``Cake!'' Su

``Argh!'' Count Olaf roared. He began to pace back and forth like an animal in a cage, pausing only to point a finger at Violet. ``You may not be my wife,'' he said, ``but you are still my daughter, and-''

``Do you honestly think,'' Mr. Poe said in an exasperated voice, ``that I will allow you to continue to care for these three children, after the treachery I have seen here tonight?''

``The orphans are mine,'' Count Olaf insisted, ``and with me they shall stay. There is nothing illegal about trying to marry someone.''

``But there is something illegal about dangling an infant out of a tower window,'' Justice Strauss said indignantly. ``You, Count Olaf, will go to jail, and the three children will live with me.''

``Arrest him!'' a voice said from the audience, and other people took up the cry.

``Send him to jail!''

``He's an evil man!''

``And give us our money back! It was a lousy play!''

Mr. Poe took Count Olaf's arm and, after a brief eruption of coughs, a

``Oh, Justice Strauss!'' Violet said. ``Did you really mean what you said? Can we really live with you?''

``Of course I mean it,'' Justice Strauss said. ``I am very fond of you children, and I feel responsible for your welfare.''

``Can we use your library every day?'' Klaus asked.

``Can we work in the garden?'' Violet asked.

``Cake!'' Su

At this point in the story, I feel obliged to interrupt and give you one last warning. As I said at the very begi

Quick as a wink, the man flicked the main switch so that all the lights went off and everyone was standing in darkness. Instantly, pandemonium ensued as everyone ran this way and that, shouting at one another. Actors tripped over members of the audience. Members of the audience tripped over theatrical props. Mr. Poe grabbed his wife, thinking it was Count Olaf. Klaus grabbed Su

``I'll get my hands on your fortune if it's the last thing I do,'' the voice hissed. ``And when I have it, I'll kill you and your siblings with my own two hands.''