The Amateurs

“What’s that?”

“We’re not criminals.”

The big man’s smile widened a notch. “Exactly.”

“Huh?”

Ian said, “That’s just it. We’re not criminals. We’re normal people. No one, not the cops, not Joh

“And you know the best thing?” Alex leaned back. “You’ll like this part. Two days later we show up calm as anything, like normal. Just four folks who meet on Thursdays.”

Despite himself, Mitch laughed. “Only the drinks are on Joh

“For a long time.”

They fell silent. An almost physical tension hung over the table. From the speakers, a voice serenaded that nothing mattered when they were dancing, whether in Paris or in Lansing. Lights flickered on in a room in the opposite building. “How would we-how do we-”

“Simple. You and Ian come in the back. I’ll make sure it’s unlocked. The kitchen staff leaves it that way all the time anyway. You wear masks, come in hard and fast, guns out-”

“Guns?”

“And cow us both. Ian, you’re right-it would look better if you hit me. I’ll make a move to stop you, one of you club me. Tie us up, take the money, head out the back. Je

“And you?”

“Eventually someone will come and untie us. Joh

“And life just goes on.”

“Easy as breathing.” Alex sipped his wine. “See any flaws?”

“Not offhand.”

“Me either.” Alex said. “It’s not the kind of thing any of us would normally do, but that’s part of what’s so brilliant about it.”

“And you’re serious.”

“Yeah.”

“So what, you want me to say right now, sure, let’s rob your boss?”

“I know it’s scary. But the meeting is the day after tomorrow, and we go then or not at all. And I can’t do it alone. So, yeah, right now, all of us. In or out.” Alex paused, then said, “Ian?”

“In.”

“Je

She smiled slightly, the skin around her eyes crinkling. “Me too.”

“Really?”

“Yeah,” she said. “He who risks nothing has nothing, right?”

“How about it, Mitch?” Alex spoke gently. “Want to screw Joh

He looked around the table, at Ian’s fingers piano-tapping on the table, Je

Alex seemed surprised. Smug fucker. No wonder there had been a weirdness to the air all night. They’d all been waiting to run through the formality of roping in good old Mitch. “No,” he said again. “This is stupid.”

“Why?”

“Because… because, man. What do you mean, why? This isn’t one of our games.”

“Treat it like one.”

He shook his head. “I’m not doing it, and I’m not going to sit here and let you try and convince me.” He said the words without thinking, and they fell heavy. There was a moment of silence, and then really only one thing to do. He stood slowly, pushing his chair back as the others watched. The music kept playing, the carefree notes weirdly incongruous to the situation.

Alex said, “OK. I understand.”

“Good.”

“Can you do us one favor?”

“What?”

“Just keep quiet about it, OK?”

“You’re doing it anyway?”

The three of them looked at one another, and one by one, nodded. That feeling of being an outsider bit deeper. All along he’d thought they were a team. Now the others were going ahead without him. The thought was almost enough to make him sit back down, but his pride burned. “Fine.”

Alex looked at Je

She nodded. “What about the car?”

“We’ll leave it out back, doors unlocked, keys in. Whoever gets in first drives. It’s riskier, and we won’t have a lookout, but that’s the way it is.”

Mitch stared, unbelieving. They were so calm, so matter-of-fact. The plan sounded good, but what plan didn’t? To actually do it, go in waving guns? Not only that, but for Je

They’re playing you, said a voice in his head. Alex is, at least. He’s counting on your feelings for her.

So what? asked another voice. She’ll still be there.

He opened his mouth, realized he had nothing to say. Just stood, palms sweating, watching his friends walk away from him.

“We’ll need masks,” Je

“Yeah.” Alex paused, looked up at him. “Look, Mitch, don’t take it the wrong way, but maybe it would be better if you didn’t hear this.”

It was all messed up. Somehow the whole world had turned upside down.

And suppose they pulled it off? Would the four of them ever go back to being what they had been? He’d have drawn a line, stepped away. He could see it, a slow-motion tease of the future. For a while they would still get together on Thursday nights. But the brunches, the di

He thought back to that pudgy asshole laughing at him. Holding up his ring, talking about how much his shirt cost. One more person certain he could put Mitch in his place.

“It’s OK.” Je

He stared at her. Had a weird feeling he’d only gotten once or twice in his life, the sense that he was facing a clear fork in the road. Go left, go right, either way, never stand here again. Either enroll in community college or else take the job his uncle had lined up for him as a doorman; good money in tips, just something to do for a little while. Watch ten years pass in a blink.

“We’ll need clothes,” he said. “Not our own. We should get them at a thrift store, so they’re used. And shoes too.”

“Mitch?” Alex raised an eyebrow.

“Different sizes than we wear. Double up socks, or jam our feet into them. Also used. That way they’ll have different wear patterns.”

“Wear patterns?”

“The marks on the bottom. If we leave footprints, they won’t match our shoes either in size or marking.”

Je

He pulled out his chair and sat back down.

“You sure about this?” Alex spoke quietly. “If you’re in, you’re in. No backing out.”

“Fuck you.” Saying it, he felt cool, strong. He stared the bigger man down. Alex leaned back, raised his hands.

“OK,” Ian said. “What else?” He had the same sparkle in his eyes as when he’d talked about playing blackjack, splitting nines all night.

“A lot of little details,” Alex said. “And one big one. We need guns.”

“No other way?” Je

“No. The point is to scare him silly and act fast. He’s not going to be scared of a couple of guys with steak knives. Not for the kind of money we’re talking.” He paused. “What about those replicas that shoot pellets? They look real. There’s even a law they need to have a big orange tip because cops were shooting kids. We could buy a couple, paint the front part…” Alex trailed off.

“What about a gun fair? They still have those in the South, don’t they?” Je

The discussion was so ludicrous that Mitch almost laughed. All that tough talk, all for nothing. Some criminals they were. Now that they came to the hard facts, it was obvious that they couldn’t handle it. He relaxed, knowing the whole thing was about to be scrapped.

Then Ian spoke quietly.

“I can take care of the guns.”