The Penultimate Peril

"Where are you?" he asked.

"We're right here," Violet said. "Can't you see us?"

"Of course not," the manager replied. "I'm also wearing a blindfold. Reach for my hand, and I'll lead you to the trial."

The eldest Baudelaire reached out in front of her and found a large, rough hand awaiting hers. Klaus took Violet's other hand, and Su

"Attention!" The voice of Justice Strauss was also quite close indeed, and rang out over the crowd, along with the repeated banging of a gavel, a word which refers to the small hammer used by judges when they want someone's attention. "Attention everyone! The trial is about to begin! Everyone please take your seats!"

"How can we take our seats," a man asked, "when we can't see them?"

"Feel around with your hands," Justice Strauss said. "Move to your right. Further. Further. Further. Furth- "

"Ow!"

"Not that far," the judge said. "There! Sit! Now the rest of you follow his lead!"

"How can we do what he did," asked someone else, "if we can't see him?"

"Can we peek?" asked another person.

"No peeking!" Justice Strauss said sternly. "Our system of justice isn't perfect, but it's the only one we have. I remind you that all three judges of the High Court are bare-eyed, and if you peek you will be guilty of contempt of court! 'Contempt,' by the way, is a word for finding something worthless or dishonorable."

"I know what the word 'contempt' means," snarled a voice the children could not recognize.

"I defined the word for the benefit of the Baudelaires," Justice Strauss said, and the children nodded their thanks in the direction of the judge's voice, although all three siblings had known the meaning of "contempt" since a night long ago when Uncle Monty had taken them to the movies. "Baudelaires, take three steps to your right. Three more. One more. There! You've reached your bench. Please sit down."

The Baudelaires sat down on one of the lobby's wooden benches and listened to the footsteps of the manager as he left them alone and stumbled back into the settling crowd. Finally, it sounded as if everyone had found a seat of some kind or another, and with another few bangs of the gavel and calls for attention, the crowd quieted down and Justice Strauss began the trial.

"Good afternoon, ladies and gentlemen," she said, her voice coming from right in front of the Baudelaires, "and anyone else who happens to be in attendance. It has come to the attention of the High Court that certain wicked deeds have gone unpunished, and that this wickedness is continuing at an alarming rate. We pla

"And speaking of guilty parties," Count Olaf added, "when the trial is over, everyone is invited to a very in cocktail party, hosted by me! Wealthy women are particularly welcome!"

"I'm hosting it," snarled the voice of Esme Squalor, "and fashionable men will be given a free gift."

"All gifts are free," said either Frank or Ernest.

"You're out of order," Justice Strauss said sternly, banging her gavel. "We are discussing social justice, not social engagements. Now then, will the accused parties please stand and state their names and occupations for the record?"

The Baudelaires stood up hesitantly.

"You too, Count Olaf," Justice Strauss said firmly. The wooden bench crackled beside the Baudelaires, and they realized the notorious villain had also been sitting on the bench, and was now standing beside them.

"Name?" the judge asked.

"Count Olaf," Count Olaf replied.

"Occupation?"

"Impresario," he said, using a fancy word for someone who puts on theatrical spectacles.

"And are you i

The children thought they could hear Olaf's filthy teeth slide against his lips as he smiled. "I'm unspeakably i

"You may be seated," Justice Strauss said, banging her gavel. "Children, you are next. Please state your names."

"Violet Baudelaire," said Violet Baudelaire.

"Klaus Baudelaire," said Klaus Baudelaire.

"Su

The children heard the scratching of a pen, and realized that the judge was writing down everything that was being said. "Occupations?"

The Baudelaires did not know how to answer this question. The word "occupation," as I'm sure you know, usually refers to a job, but the Baudelaires' employment was sporadic, a word which here means "consisting of a great number of occupations, held for a short time and under very unusual circumstances." The word can also refer to how one spends one's time, but the siblings hardly liked to think of all the dreadful things that had occupied them recently. Lastly, the word "occupation" can refer to the state one is in, such as being a woman's husband, or a child's guardian, but the youngsters were not certain how such a term could apply to the bewildering history of their lives. The Baudelaires thought and thought, and finally each gave their answer as they saw fit.

"Volunteer," Violet said.

"Concierge," Klaus said.

"Child," Su

"I object!" Olaf said beside them. "Their proper occupation is orphan, or inheritor of a large fortune!"

"Your objection is noted," Justice Strausssaid firmly. "Now then, Baudelaires, are you guilty or i

Once again, the Baudelaires hesitated before answering. Justice Strauss had not asked the children precisely what they were i

"We're comparatively i