Self-Defence

"Part of a summer. She claims she's been celibate since. And Phil Austerlitz said she had a real aversion to being touched."

She put her hands together. "I can see what you mean about that summer with her father… Despite all that, she relates well to a male therapist- talks very fondly about you. Are you pla

"The last thing I want is for her to be abandoned again," I said, "but I may not be right for her. The policeman she likes is a close friend."

I recounted Lucy's request for permission to love Milo. My silence. The reaction.

"So she doesn't know he's gay."

"Not yet."

She opened the milk carton. "I don't want to get personal, but is he your lover?"

"No, just a friend," I said. Adding, "I'm straight," and wondering why it sounded so defensive.

"I can see what you mean by complications."

"It might be in her best interests to transfer her care, if it can be done without traumatizing her. When I heard she was going to be seen by a woman, I was glad."

"We seem to have a good rapport," she said. "She cooperates, appears to be relating. Then I review my notes and realize she hasn't told me much."

"I felt the same way about her in the begi

"Maybe it's her family style. I spoke to her brother, and he didn't tell me much of anything either. Given the situation, you'd think he'd want me to know as much as possible."

"He doesn't know much about her himself. He's a half brother, hasn't seen her in over twenty years."

"No, I'm not talking about the one who brought her in. This was the other one, Peter. He phoned me this morning from Taos. Said he'd heard about Lucretia from Ken. Very upset about not being able to be with her, but he couldn't fly back. And when I tried to ask questions, he backed away, like he was in a big hurry to get off the phone."

"Why can't he be with her?"

"Business obligations. I called Ken- he's gone back to Palo Alto. He knew nothing, like you said. Pretty nice of him to pay for her care."

"I got the sense he wants to make contact."

"Me, too. He offered to handle everything- he seems to have money. Lucretia has no insurance because she quit her job, so that's lucky. The hospital looks askance at doctors who treat nonpaying patients. Nowadays, we have to be bookkeepers, too, right?"

I nodded.

"Anyway," she said, "sounds like a complicated family. Are there any other relatives in town for support?"

"In town," I said. "But not for support."

12

I told her who Lucy's father was, and she reached for her Jell-O without registering much reaction.

"I was a math major, never much for fiction," she said. "Then you get into med school and your whole world really narrows… So the pain of abandonment would be that much worse. He's available to the whole world but not to her… and now that dream, that's pretty darn Freudian. This is starting to sound like old-fashioned psychiatry. I don't get much of that."

"What do you do mostly? Medication?"

"Almost totally. I attend at six different ER's and I rarely get to do any follow-up. So yes, if Lucretia's willing to see me, I'd be very interested. She's an interesting woman."

"Where's your office?"

"Tarzana. I rent space from another psychiatrist." She gave me her card. "Where are you?"

"Malibu."

"Not too shabby. I would like you to stay closely in touch. We need to make sure she doesn't see you as yet another man who's walked out on her."

"I was pla

"Any time you're ready. I'll leave your name with the charge nurse."

She ate some more Jell-O and finished her milk, wiping away the white mustache. "While you're there, though, I'd keep it casual. Especially in terms of your gay friend. I'd just as soon hold off on any more surprises until I have a better feel for what's going on with her. Make sense?"

"Yes, but once she's out, she's likely to seek him out. She views him as a protector."

I described how Lucy and Milo had co

"Well," she said, "for now I'd tell him to keep a low profile. What she needs is protection from her own impulses."

I drove home thinking Wendy Embrey might be very good for Lucy. But I wondered how Lucy would react to a change in therapists.

I had conflicts of my own about the transition: relieved at the chance to get out of a mess, but more than a bit guilty at how good that freedom sounded. And I still wanted to know what had happened that summer. For her sake or mine? The answers weren't comforting.

I put on some music and drove like a robot. When I got home, surfers' vans were parked all along the turnoff to the public beach.

When I opened the door, the phone was ringing.

My service with a long-distance call from Ken Lowell.

"Hi, doctor. Anything new on Lucy?"

"She seems to be holding her own."

"I spoke to Dr. Embrey and she sounded pretty sharp, but I'm a little confused. Who's going to be Lucy's doctor?"

"As long as Lucy's in the hospital, Dr. Embrey's in charge."

"Unfortunately, I can't seem to reach Dr. Embrey now. Are you going to be speaking to her? If you are, I'd like to pass something along. I think she should know."

"Sure."

"I got a call from my brother early this morning, explaining why he hadn't shown up for di

"He said the same thing to Dr. Embrey. Must have called her right after he spoke to you."

"But it doesn't make any sense. Because when we met last week he wasn't involved in any business- told me he'd been unemployed for a long time. So what was so urgent?"

"I really don't know, Ken."

"No, no reason for you to… I have to tell you, doctor, he sounded very edgy. I can't help thinking he's in some kind of trouble. I was just wondering if Lucy said anything to you that you could divulge without breaking confidentiality."

"She really didn't, Ken."

"All right. Thanks. I'll be back and forth to L.A. for the next few weeks. Would visiting Lucy be appropriate?"

"I'd talk to Dr. Embrey about that."

"Yes, of course. I have to tell you, doctor, this is strange."

"What is?"

"Instant family."

At 4:10 Robin called to let me know she'd been invited to attend a showcase that night at the Whiskey, a band of thrash-metal heroes brandishing guitars she'd built.

"Would you mind if I passed?" I said.

"If I had a good excuse, I'd pass too. Zero showed up at the site and invited me personally."

"What time do you think it'll be over?"

"Late."

"How about if I come by before and we grab some di

"What about Spike?"

"I can bring takeout."

"That would be great."

"When should I get there?"

"Soon as possible."

I picked up earplugs at a pharmacy in Point Dume and sandwiches and drinks at a deli nearby. It took forty minutes to get to the jobsite. Several trucks were pulling away, and Robin was conferring with a bare-chested man with a tobacco-stained walrus mustache. Nearly bald except for some yellow back fringe and a ponytail, he was concentrating hard as she spoke.

She saw me and waved and continued to talk to him, waving a roll of blueprints. Spike was on the rear bed of her truck, and he stuck his frog face above the tailgate and barked. I went over and lifted him out. He licked my face and waved his forelegs in the air, and when I put him down, he stood up, hugged my knees, and rubbed his head against my leg.