Sacred and Profane

He walked over to the living room window and peered into the darkness outside.

“Isn’t this what you wanted?” she asked, joining him at the window. “Freedom?”

“I never said I wanted to…” He was flustered. “I just wanted a little elbow room, damn it! The yeshiva is so goddam stultifying. I had no idea you were going to pick up and leave me.”

“I’m not leaving you.”

“What do you call this?”

“I’m giving you the distance you wanted. That is what you wanted, wasn’t it? Distance. A breather from each other, as you called it.”

He shook his head no.

“Then what do you want?”

“I don’t know,” he whispered to himself.

“What?”

“I don’t know,” he yelled. He ran his hands over his face. “God, I don’t believe this. How could you just leave me like this! Is that the extent of your feelings for me?”

“What do you want out of me?”

“I want you to fight for us, damn it. Not just…give up and move away.”

“It would have helped if you’d returned my phone calls.”

He looked at her. “You’re doing this out of spite, aren’t you.”

“I don’t know what you’re talking about.”

“You’re pissed off at me for not being what you wanted me to be. So instead of being honest and admitting it, you’re go

Encircling him from behind, she slipped her arms around his waist and leaned her head against his back.

“I’m not punishing you, Peter. Neither one of us can help what we believe. I’m just trying to rectify a bad situation. I figure if we’re apart, maybe we can think better.”

Her voice had started to waver from its cool, collected tone. She moved her hand upward and tucked it under his open robe. He felt her playing with his nipple, brushing it lightly with her fingertips. Immediately, he found himself growing erect and not wanting to be. He pushed her hand away.

“Don’t do that.”

“I want to sleep with you tonight,” she blurted out.

He turned to her and laughed bitterly. “Really now? Is this the final fuck before the dramatic exit?”

He couldn’t have slapped her harder had he done it with his hand. She recoiled and turned to leave. He grabbed her arm.

“I’m sorry.”

She jerked around, trying to hide her tear-stained face from him. He gathered her into his arms and hugged her tightly as she squirmed to break free of his grip. “I’m really sorry, Rina. I know what that admission means to you. It just took me by surprise, that’s all.”

Relaxing in his hold, she sobbed in his arms. When she calmed down, she said, “You’re partially right.”

Decker waited for her to go on.

“I am a little angry with you.”

“A little?”

“A lot.” She wiped her eyes. “So maybe there’s a little bit of I’ll-show-you in my decision. But most…most of it was made after honestly considering the alternatives. Peter, what do you want from me? Do you want me to stay here and watch you take out other women knowing what you’re going to do with them?”

“I guess it would be hard on you to see that,” he said.

“Yes.”

He smiled and said, “I could be discreet.”

She socked him.

He cleared his throat. “If you were to make good on your…suggestion, shall we say, there’d be no reason for me to date other women, would there be?”

“I am not going to stick around here and have a sexual, unmarried relationship with you.”

“How about a sexual, married relationship?”

“Have you changed your feelings toward religion?”

“Not really.”

“Then we’ve had this discussion before.”

“Yes, we have.” He suddenly became choked with emotion. “Rina, please don’t leave me.”

“I’m only leaving you physically, Peter,” she said. “I’m not leaving to find someone else. I’m utterly in love with you and nothing is going to change that. If you turn religious, I’ll be waiting. If you don’t, so be it. It’s my problem, not yours. That’s how I can rationalize…sleeping with you. I’ve been thinking of it for a long time.”

“You have?”

She nodded.

“You know it would have helped me along if you would have mentioned that there was a possibility.”

She reddened like a boiled lobster.

“It wasn’t something I was comfortable talking to you about. I was afraid that if you knew I was wavering, that would be it. I’d give in.”

“Would that have been so terrible?”

“Of course not! Emotionally, it would have been wonderful, but morally…Peter, premarital sex isn’t that big a deal in Judaism, but it’s something that religious women just don’t do.”

“So why now?”

“I don’t know. Maybe it’s because I’m leaving, but I think it’s because I’ve finally decided that you’re the only man in my life, period. If we do get married, you’ll be my husband anyway. If we don’t, I’m still not going to marry someone else, so it’s not like I’m being unfaithful to a future husband. Besides, I’m sick of postponing gratification indefinitely. I’m sick of being righteous all the time.”

“I didn’t want it to be like this,” he said softly. “Believe it or not, I had this idealized image in my mind of what it was going to be like, and it wasn’t under this set of circumstances. Love you and poof, you’re gone.”

“I have to go. We both need time to ourselves.”

He cupped her chin. “If you need time away from me, then go. But don’t think you’ll escape my clutches. If you settle in New York, I’ll follow you. If you move to Israel, I’ll follow you there. We’re basheert.”

“I know that.”

“Good,” he said, kissing her forehead. “You’re all packed up?”

“The van left the yeshiva this morning.” Her eyes swelled with tears. “Amazing how little time it took them to pack everything.”

“You’ve left your imprint, my dear. Believe me.” He gently eased the kerchief from her head and a wave of jet black hair rolled down her back. “Do your parents know you’re here?”

“Yes.”

Decker raised his brows. “What did they say?”

“They were stu

“You’re taking the red-eye out tomorrow night?”

She nodded.

“I’ll drive you to the air-.”

“No,” she interrupted. “My parents will drive me…I don’t do well with airport good-byes, Peter. I’d rather you didn’t drive me.”

“Okay.”

“So I guess this is it.”

There was an awkward silence. She smiled. He smiled.

“I’m very nervous,” she said.

“So am I.”

“Don’t expect too much. It’s been almost three years-”

“The mechanics haven’t changed, Rina.”

“Well, that’s comforting.”

He burst into laughter, scooped her into his arms, and carried her into the bedroom, kicking shut the door behind him.

24

Waking. That delicious stage of limbo between sleep and full arousal. The senses working but not consciously coding. Decker’s body was drugged with exhaustion from all-night lovemaking, his mind groggy from words and confessions. He turned to his side and hugged his pillow as if it were a lover.

His mouth had been hopelessly manic last night. He had talked, confided…babbled. What had he told her? It made no difference. There was still so much more left unsaid. So much more for the future.

He opened his eyes. She was gone, as he knew she would be. But she had been no phantom, no dream. The room was a testament to what had passed between them, the air still redolent of musk and sweat, the sheets still damp with their juices.

He shut his eyes. Pardes, he thought. Me and Ben Azzai. Neither of us wants to go back.

Promises between passion. Vows between tears. What words of hope had filled their hearts? He had agreed to continue studying with the rabbi. No guarantees about the outcome. If something clicked, she’d meet him halfway. In a sense, she had done that last night.

In the end, it was left up to destiny. Basheert.