Bad Love

"Don't worry, it's not nasal candy, it's plain old emotion. And the emotion I feel for that bastard, even with his being dead, is pure hatred. Isn't that amazing- after all these years? I'm surprising myself with how much I hate him. Because he made me hate myself-it took years to get out from under his fucking bad love."

"The private sessions," I said.

"Real private… he hit me where it counted. I didn't need anyone tearing down my self-esteem- I was already fucked up enough, not able to read at thirteen. Everyone blaming me, me blaming myself… my sisters were all A students. I got D's. I was a premature baby. Difficult labor. Must have affected my brain- the dyslexia, my other prob-"

She threw up her hands and fluttered her fingers.

"So now it's out," she said, smiling. "I have yet another problem. Want a shot at that diagnosis, Contestant Number One?"

I shook my head.

"Not a gambler? Oh, well, there's no reason I should be ashamed, it's all chemistry- that was my point, wasn't it? Bipolar affective disorder. Your basic, garden variety manic-depressive maniac. You tell people you're manic and they say, oh yeah, I'm feeling really manic, too. And you say, no, no, no, this is different. This is real, my little pretties."

"Are you on lithium?"

Nod. "Unless the work piles up and I need the extra push. I finally found a psychiatrist who knew what the hell he was doing. All the others were ignorant assholes like Dr. Botch. Analyzing me, blaming me. Botch nearly convinced me I did want to fuck Daddy. He totally convinced me I was bad."

"With bad love?"

She stood suddenly and snatched up her purse. She was six feet tall, with a tiny waist, narrow hips, and long legs under a charcoal-colored silk miniskirt. The skirt had ridden up, revealing sleek thigh. If she realized it, she didn't choose to fix it.

"He's worried I'm leaving." She laughed. "Mellow out, son. Just going to pee."

She made an abrupt about-face and sashayed toward the rear of the restaurant. A few moments later, I got up and verified that the restrooms were back there, and the only exit a grimy gray door with a bar across it marked EMERGENCY.

She returned a few minutes later, hair fluffed, eyes puffy but freshly shadowed. Sitting down, she nudged my shin with a toe and gave a weak smile. Waving for the waitress, she got a refill and drank half the cup, taking long, silent swallows.

Looking ready to choke. My therapeutic impulse was to pat her hand. I resisted it.

"Bad love," she said softly. "Little rooms. Little locked cells. Bare bulbs- or sometimes he'd just light a candle. Candles we made in crafts. Beautiful candles- actually they were ugly pieces of shit, with this really disgusting scent. Nothing in the cell but two chairs. He'd sit opposite you, your knees almost touching. Nothing between you. Then he'd stare at you for a long time. A long time. Then he'd start talking in this low, relaxed voice- like it was just a chat, like it was just two people having a nice, civil conversation. And at first you'd think you were getting away easy, he'd sound so pleasant. Smiling, playing with that stupid little beard or his puka shells."

She said, "Shit," and drank coffee.

"What did he talk about?"

"He'd start off lecturing about human nature. How everyone had good parts of their character and bad parts and the difference between the successful people and the unsuccessful people was which part you used. And that we kids were there because we were using too much bad part and not enough good part. Because we'd gotten warped somehow- damaged was the way he put it- from wanting to sleep with our mommies and our daddies. But how everyone else at the school was now doing great. Everyone except you, young lady, is controlling their impulses and learning to use the good part. They are going to be okay. They deserve good love and are going to have happy lives."

She closed her eyes. Took a deep breath. Fu

"Then he'd stop. To let it all sink in. And stare some more. And get even closer. His breath always stank of cabbage… the room was so small the smell filled it- he filled it. He wasn't a big man, but in there he was huge. You felt like an ant, about to be crushed- like the room was ru

" 'You,' he'd say. And then he'd repeat it. "You, you, you.' And then it would start- you were the only one who wasn't doing good. You couldn't control your impulses, you weren't trying- you were acting just like an animal. A dirty, filthy animal- a vermin animal. That was a favorite of his. Vermin animals- in his creepy Inspector Clouseau accent. Vermeen aneemals. Then he'd start calling you other names. Fool, idiot, weakling, moron, savage, excrement. No curse words, just one insult after another, sometimes in French. Saying them so quietly you could barely hear them. But you had to hear them because there was nothing else to hear in that room. Just the wax dripping, sometimes a plumbing pipe would rumble, but mostly it was silent. You had to listen."

A lost look came into her eyes. She shifted as far from me as the booth would allow. When she spoke again, her voice was even softer, but deeper, almost masculine.

"You are acting like vermin animal, young lady. You are going to live like vermin animal and you will end up dying like vermin animal. And then he'd go into these detailed descriptions of how vermin lived and died and how no one loved them and gave them good love because they didn't deserve it and how the only thing they deserved was bad love and filth and humiliation."

She reached for her mug. Her hand shook and she braced it with the other one before raising the coffee to her lips.

"He'd keep going like that. Don't ask me how long because I don't know- it felt like years. Chanting. Over and over and over. You will get the bad love, you will get the bad love… pain, and suffering and loneliness that would never end- prison, where people will rape you and cut you and tie you up so you can't move. Horrible diseases you will get- he'd go into the symptoms. Talk about the loneliness, how you'd always be alone. Like a corpse left out in the desert to dry. Like a piece of dirt on some cold, distant planet- he was full of analogies, Dr. B. was, playing loneliness like an instrument. Your life will be as empty and dark as this room we are sitting in, young lady. Your entire future will be desolate. No good love from anyone- no good love, just bad love, filth, and degradation. Because that is what bad children deserve. A cold, lonely world for children who act like vermin animals. Then he'd show photos. Dead bodies, concentration camp stuff. This is how you will end up!"

She shifted closer.

"He'd just chant it," she said, touching my cuff. "Like some priest… throwing out these images. Not giving you a chance to speak. He made you feel you were the only bad person in a beautiful world- a shit smear on silk. And you believed him. You believed everyone was changing for the better, learning to control themselves. Everyone was on his side, you were the only piece of shit."

"Cutting you off," I said, "so you wouldn't confide in the other kids."

"It worked; I never confided in anyone. Later, when I was out of there- years later- I realized it was stupid, I couldn't have been the only one. I'd seen other kids go into the rooms- it seems so ridiculously logical now. But back then, I couldn't- he kept focusing me in on myself. On the bad parts of me. The vermin animal parts."