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How like them, I thought, to toss aside Alfrida’s wit and style and turn her teeth into a sorry problem.
“Why doesn’t she just have them all out and be done with it?” they said.
“Likely she couldn’t afford it,” said my grandmother, surprising everybody as she sometimes did, by showing that she had been keeping up with the conversation all along.
And surprising me with the new, everyday sort of light this shed on Alfrida’s life. I had believed that Alfrida was rich-rich at least in comparison with the rest of the family. She lived in an apartment-I had never seen it, but to me that fact conveyed at least the idea of a very civilized life-and she wore clothes that were not homemade, and her shoes were not Oxfords like the shoes of practically all the other grown-up women I knew-they were sandals made of bright strips of the new plastic. It was hard to know whether my grandmother was simply living in the past, when getting your false teeth was the solemn, crowning expense of a lifetime, or whether she really knew things about Alfrida’s life that I never would have guessed.
The rest of the family was never present when Alfrida had di
On the day when I smoked the cigarette Alfrida decided to take this a bit further, and she said solemnly, “How about Asa, then? Is he still as much of a conversation grabber as ever? “
My father shook his head sadly, as if the thought of this uncle’s garrulousness must weigh us all down.
“Indeed,” he said. “He is indeed.”
Then I took my chance.
“Looks like the roundworms have got into the hogs,” I said. “Yup.”
Except for the “yup” this was just what my uncle had said, and he had said it at this very table, being overcome by an uncharacteristic need to break the silence or to pass on something important that had just come to mind. And I said it with just his stately grunts, his i
Alfrida gave a great, approving laugh, showing her festive teeth. “That’s it, she’s got him to a T.”
My father bent over his plate, as if to hide how he was laughing too, but of course not really hiding it, and my mother shook her head, biting her lips, smiling. I felt a keen triumph. Nothing was said to put me in my place, no reproof for what was sometimes called my sarcasm, my being smart. The word “smart” when it was used about me, in the family, might mean intelligent, and then it was used rather grudgingly-”oh, she’s smart enough some ways”-or it might be used to mean pushy, attention-seeking, obnoxious. Don’t be so smart.
Sometimes my mother said sadly, “You have a cruel tongue.”
Sometimes-and this was a great deal worse-my father was disgusted with me.
“What makes you think you have the right to run down decent people?”
This day nothing like that happened-I seemed to be as free as a visitor at the table, almost as free as Alfrida, and flourishing under the ba
But there was a gap about to open, and perhaps that was the last time, the very last time, that Alfrida sat at our table. Christmas cards continued to be exchanged, possibly even letters-as long as my mother could manage a pen-and we still read Alfrida’s name in the paper, but I ca
It may have been that Alfrida asked if she could bring her friend and had been told that she could not. If she was already living with him, that would have been one reason, and if he was the same man she had later, the fact that he was married would have been another. My parents would have been united in this. My mother had a horror of irregular sex or flaunted sex-of any sex, you might say, for the proper married kind was not acknowledged at all-and my father too judged these matters strictly at that time in his life. He might have had a special objection, also, to a man who could get a hold over Alfrida.
She would have made herself cheap in their eyes. I can imagine either one of them saying it. She didn’t need to go and make herself cheap.
But she may not have asked at all, she may have known enough not to. During the time of those earlier, lively visits there may have been no man in her life, and then when there was one, her attention may have shifted entirely. She may have become a different person then, as she certainly was later on.
Or she may have been wary of the special atmosphere of a household where there is a sick person who will go on getting sicker and never get better. Which was the case with my mother, whose symptoms joined together, and turned a corner, and instead of a worry and an inconvenience became her whole destiny.
“The poor thing,” the aunts said.
And as my mother was changed from a mother into a stricken presence around the house, these other, formerly so restricted females in the family seemed to gain some little liveliness and increased competence in the world. My grandmother got herself a hearing aid-something nobody would have suggested to her. One of the aunts’ husbands-not Asa, but the one called Irvine-died, and the aunt who had been married to him learned to drive the car and got a job doing alterations in a clothing store and no longer wore a hairnet.
They called to see my mother, and saw always the same thing-that the one who had been better-looking, who had never quite let them forget she was a schoolteacher, was growing month by month more slow and stiff in the movements of her limbs and more thick and importunate in her speech, and that nothing was going to help her.
They told me to take good care of her.
“She’s your mother,” they reminded me.
“The poor thing.”
Alfrida would not have been able to say those things, and she might not have been able to find anything to say in their place.
Her not coming to see us was all right with me. I didn’t want people coming. I had no time for them, I had became a furious housekeeper-waxing the floors and ironing even the dish towels, and this was all done to keep some sort of disgrace (my mother’s deterioration seemed to be a unique disgrace that infected us all) at bay. It was done to make it seem as if I lived with my parents and my brother and my sister in a normal family in an ordinary house, but the moment somebody stepped in our door and saw my mother they saw that this was not so and they pitied us. A thing I could not stand.
I won a scholarship. I didn’t stay home to take care of my mother or of anything else. I went off to college. The college was in the city where Alfrida lived. After a few months she asked me to come for supper, but I could not go, because I worked every evening of the week except on Sundays. I worked in the city library, downtown, and in the college library, both of which stayed open until nine o’clock. Some time later, during the winter, Alfrida asked me again, and this time the invitation was for a Sunday. I told her that I could not come because I was going to a concert.