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There’s no point arguing with her. Deliberately, I barge right through her and head to Josh’s table, ignoring her squeals of protest. Josh is pushing his chair back and the light is catching his hair, and his eyes are as soft and blue as ever. As I reach him, something bubbles up in my stomach. Happiness, maybe. Or love. Or triumph.
Like, a mixture.
I reach up for a hug and his lips meet mine, and all I can think is Yessss! After a minute he moves to sit down, but I pull him back into another passionate kiss. I’ll show Sadie who’s in love.
At last he really does pull away, and we sit down. I lift the glass of white wine Josh has already ordered for me.
“So,” I say, a bit breathless. “Here we are.”
“Here we are.” Josh nods.
“Here’s to us! Isn’t it wonderful, being back together again? At our favorite restaurant? I’ll always associate this restaurant with you,” I add a bit pointedly. “No one else. I never could.”
Josh has the grace to look a bit uncomfortable. “How’s work?” he asks quickly.
“Fine.” I sigh. “Actually, to be honest… not that fine. Natalie’s gone off to Goa and left me all alone to run the company. It’s been a bit of a nightmare.”
“Really?” Josh says. “That’s bad.” He picks up the menu and starts reading as though the subject’s closed, and I feel a tiny pinprick of frustration. I was expecting more of a response. Although, now I remember, Josh never does respond to stuff much. He’s so easygoing. It’s what I love about him, I quickly remind myself: his lovely laid-back nature. He never stresses. He never overreacts. He never gets ratty. His approach to life is: Just get along. Which is so sane.
“We should go to Goa one day!” I change the subject, and Josh’s brow clears.
“Definitely. It’s supposed to be great. You know, I’m really into the idea of taking some time off. Like six months or so.”
“We could do it together!” I say joyfully. “We could both give up our jobs, we could travel around, start off in Mumbai-”
“Don’t start pla
I stare at him in shock. “Josh?”
“Sorry.” He looks taken aback by himself too. “Sorry.”
“Is something wrong?”
“No. At least…” He rubs his head roughly with both hands, then looks up, confused. “I know this is great, you and me being back together. I know I’m the one who wanted it. But sometimes I have this flash of… what the fuck are we doing?”
“You see?” Sadie’s crowing voice above the table makes me jump. She’s hovering above us like an avenging angel.
Focus. Don’t look up. Pretend she’s just a big lamp shade.
“I… I think that’s pretty normal,” I say, determinedly gazing at Josh. “We’ve both got to adjust; it’ll take time.”
“It’s not normal!” Sadie cries impatiently. “He doesn’t really want to be here! I told you, he’s a puppet! I can make him say or do anything! You want to marry Lara one day!” says Sadie loudly into Josh’s ear. “Tell her!”
Josh’s look of confusion deepens.
“Although I do think… one day… maybe you and I should… get married.”
“On a beach!”
“On a beach,” he repeats obediently.
“And have six children!”
“I’d like loads of kids too,” he says bashfully. “Four… or five… or even six. What do you think?”
I dart Sadie a look of hatred. She’s spoiling everything with her stupid party trick.
“Hold that thought, Josh,” I say as pleasantly as I can. “I just need to go to the loo.”
I have never moved so quickly as I do across that restaurant. In the ladies’, I bang the door shut and glower at Sadie.
“What are you doing?”
“Proving a point. He has no mind of his own.”
“He does!” I say furiously. “And, anyway, just because you’re prompting him to say these things, it doesn’t prove he doesn’t love me. He probably does want to get married to me, deep down! and have lots of kids!”
“You think so,” Sadie says scoffingly.
“Yes! You couldn’t make him say anything he didn’t genuinely believe on some level.”
“You think?” Sadie’s head jerks up, and her eyes glitter at me for a moment. “Very well. Challenge accepted.” She zooms toward the door.
“What challenge?” I say in horror. “I didn’t challenge you!”
I hurry back into the restaurant-but Sadie streaks ahead of me. I can see her yelling in Josh’s ear. I can see his eyes glazing over. I can’t get to the table because I’m stuck behind a waiter with about five plates. What the hell is she doing to him?
All of a sudden Sadie appears beside me again. Her lips are pressed together as though she’s trying not to laugh.
“What have you done?” I snap.
“You’ll see. And then you’ll believe me.” She looks so gleeful, I feel like throttling her.
“Leave me alone!” I mutter. “Just go away!”
“Very well!” she says, with an insouciant toss of her chin. “I’ll go! But you’ll still see I’m right!”
She vanishes and I approach the table nervously. Josh looks up with that faraway, punch-drunk expression, and my heart sinks. Sadie obviously got through to him, big-time. What’s she been saying?
“So!” I begin brightly. “Have you decided what to eat yet?”
Josh doesn’t even seem to hear. It’s as though he’s in a trance.
“Josh!” I snap my fingers. “Josh, wake up!”
“Sorry. I was miles away. Lara, I’ve been thinking.” He leans forward and gazes at me with great intensity. “I think I should become an inventor.”
“An inventor?” I gape at him.
“And I should move to Switzerland.” Josh is nodding seriously. “It’s just come to me, out of nowhere. This amazing… insight. I have to change my life. At once.”
I will murder her.
“Josh…” I try to keep calm. “You don’t want to move to Switzerland. You don’t want to be an inventor. You work in advertising.”
“No, no.” His eyes are shining as if he’s a pilgrim who’s seen the Blessed Virgin. “You don’t understand. I’ve been on the wrong path. It’s all falling into place. I want to go to Geneva and retrain in astrophysics.”
“You’re not a scientist!” My voice is shrill. “How can you be an astrophysicist?”
“But maybe I was meant to study science,” he says fervently. “Didn’t you ever hear a voice inside your head, telling you to change your life? Telling you that you’re on the wrong path?”
“Yes, but you don’t listen to the voice!” I lose all semblance of composure. “You ignore the voice! You say, ‘That’s a stupid voice!’”
“How can you say that?” Josh looks taken aback. “Lara, you have to listen to yourself. You’re the one who always told me that.”
“But I didn’t mean-”
“I was just sitting here, minding my own business, when the inspiration came to me.” He’s overflowing with enthusiasm. “Like an epiphany. Like a realization. Like when I realized I should be back with you. It’s exactly the same.”
His words are like a splinter of ice in my heart. For a few moments I can’t bring myself to speak.
“Is it… exactly the same?” I say at last.
“Well, of course.” Josh peers at me uncomprehendingly. “Lara, don’t get upset.” He reaches across the table. “Come with me to Geneva. We’ll start a new life. And do you want to know the other idea I’ve just had, out of the blue?” His face glows with happiness as he draws breath. “I want to open a zoo. What do you think?”
I want to cry. I think I might cry.
“Josh-”
“No, hear me out.” He slaps a hand on the table. “We start an animal charity. Endangered species. We hire experts, get some funding…”
Tears are welling up in my eyes as he talks. OK, I’m saying savagely to Sadie in my mind. I get it. I GET it.
“Josh.” I cut him right off. “Why did you want to get back together with me?”
There’s silence. Josh still has that trancey look in his eyes.