The Diceman

The three of us chatted about our hopes for the baby, with Arlene doing most of the talking. She told us that she had given 215 chances in 216 that she practice natural childbirth and breast-feed the child and that much to her delight the Die had chosen that she should do both. But most of her talk was about when the child should be potty trained and when it should be dicetrained.

`We've got to start early,' Arlene kept saying. `I don't want our baby corrupted by society the way I was for thirty-five

years.'

'Still, Arlene,' I said, `for the first two or three years I think the child can develop randomly without using the dice.'

`No, Luke, it wouldn't be fair to him,' she replied: `It would be like keeping candy away from him.'

`But a child tends to express all his minority impulses - at least until he gets to school. They may batten down the

hatches there.'

`Perhaps, Lukie,' she said, `but he'll see me casting dice to see which breast he gets or whether we go for a walk or

whether he naps, and he'll feel left out. What I'd like to do .is …'

But she went into such a long labor pain and it came so soon after the previous one that Jake buzzed for the nurse and

they wheeled her off to the delivery room. Jake and I trailed after her down the hall.

`I don't know, Luke,' Jake said after a while, squinting up at hopefully. `I think this dice business may be getting out of

hand.'

`I think so too,' I said.

`The dice may be good for us uptight adults, but I'm not sure about two-year-olds.'

`I agree.'

`She could confuse the poor kid before he developed any patterns to break.'

`Right.'

`It's possible the kid might grow up to be something of a weirdie.'

`True. Or worse yet, he might end up rebelling against diceliving and opt for permanent conformity to the dominant

social norm.'

`Hey, that's a possibility. You think he might?'

`Sure,' I said. `Boys always rebel against their mothers.'

Jake paused in his pacing and I stopped beside him and looked down; he was staring at the floor.

`I suppose a little dice-throwing won't hurt him,' he said slowly.

`And in any case, who cares?'

Jake looked sharply up at me.

`Aren't you concerned about your baby?' he asked.

`Now, remember. Jake, it's our baby, not mine. Just because the dice told Arlene to tell you that I'm the father doesn't

mean necessarily that I am.'

`Hey, that's right.'

`You may actually be the father but the dice told Arlene to lie.'

`That's a good point, Luke.'

`Or she may have been sleeping with dozens of guys that month and not know who the actual father is.' He looked

down at the floor again.

`Thanks for the reassurance,' he said.

`So let's just call it our baby.'

`Let's just call it hers.'

Chapter Seventy

Dear Dr. Rhinehart I have been a fan of yours ever since I read that interview in Playboy. I-have been trying to

practice the dicelife now for almost a year but have run into several problems which I hoped you might be able to help me with. First, I was wondering if it were really necessary or important to follow the Die no matter what it says. I mean sometimes it vetoes something I really want to do or chooses the most absurd of the options I've created for it. I've found that disobeying the Die in such cases makes me feel real good, as if I were getting something for free. I find the Die most helpful in doing the things I want to do, mostly making girls. It's a big help there, since I never feel guilty when I try something that doesn't work since the die told me to do it. And I don't feel guilty when it does work since if the girl gets knocked up, it was the Die that did it. But why do you keep saying one should always follow the Die? And why bother to expand the areas it makes decisions in? I've got a good thing going and find a lot of your stuff distracts me from my end if you know what I mean.

Also I must warn you that when my girl took up using the dice and we tried some of those dice sex exercises some real problems developed. The sex exercises were fine, but my girl keeps telling me the Die won't let her see me anymore for a while. Sometimes she makes a date and then breaks it, blaming the Die. Aren't there some sort of rules I can impose on her? Do you have a code of dice ethics for girls I could show her? Also another girl I introduced to the dicelife began insisting that I ought to include as an option that I marry her. I only give it one chance in thirty-six, but she insists I cast the dice about it every time I go out with her. What is the probability of my losing if I date her ten more times? Twenty? Please include a table or graph if possible.

You've got some good ideas, but I hope you do more thinking about how special rules might be developed for girl

dicepeople. I'm getting worried.

Sincerely, George Doog

Chapter Seventy-one

`It's a girl,' Jake said, smiling dazedly.

`I know, Jake. Congratulations.'

`Edgarina,' he went on. `Edgarina Ecstein.'

He looked up at me. `Who named her that?'

'Don't ask silly questions. The baby's healthy, Arlene's healthy, I'm healthy: that's what counts.'

`You're right,' he said. `But do daughters rebel against their mothers too?'

`Here she comes,' I said.

Two nurses wheeled Arlene down the hall and past us into her room and, after she'd settled back into bed, they brought

the baby in for her to hold. Jake and I watched benevolently. The baby squirmed a bit and hissed, but didn't say much.

`How'd it go, Arlene?' I asked.

`It was a snap,' she said, cuddling the child against her swollen breasts and smiling ecstatically. She stared at her infant

and smiled and smiled.

`Doesn't she look just like Eleanor Roosevelt as a baby?' she said.

Jake and I looked; I think we both concluded it might be true.

`Edgarina has dignity,' I said.

`She's born for greatness,' Arlene said, kissing the top of the baby's head. 'Die willing.'

`Or nothingness,' I said. `You don't want to force any patterns on her, Arlene.'

`Except for making her cast the dice about everything she does, I plan to let her be entirely free.'

`Oh Jesus, Jesus,' said Jake.

`Cheer up, Jake,' I said, putting my arm around him. `Don't you realize that as a scientist you're getting in on the

ground floor of something which is of immense scientific importance?'

'Maybe,' he said.

`No matter how Edgarina turns out under Arlene's regime, it's scientifically significant. Genius or psychotic, something

new has been demonstrated.'

Jake perked up a bit.

`I suppose you're right,' he said.

`This may be your greatest case study since "The Case of the Six-Sided man."

'Jake looked up at me, beaming.

`Maybe I ought to do some more experimenting with the dicelife,' he said.

`You'll need a title, of course,' I went on.

`You certainly should,' Arlene snapped at Jake. `Any father of Edgarina Ecstein had better be a full-fledged diceperson

or I'll disown and discredit him.'

Jake sighed.

`That won't be necessary, honey,' he said.

` "A Case of Random Rearing,"' I suggested. `Or perhaps, "Dieper Training."

'Jake shook his head slowly and then squinted aggressively up at me.

`Don't bother trying, Luke. It's beyond your depth. The title has already been made: "The Case of the Child of Whim."'

He sighed. `The book may take a little longer.'

Chapter Seventy-two

The sun dazzled down and warmed and softened my mountain of flesh. I writhed myself deeper into the hot sand,