Panic Attack

“So you’ve never slept with somebody you’ve known less than a week?”

Only about four hundred and fifty before you, baby.

“But this feels… different,” he said. “It feels… special.”

She smiled, blushing. “You really mean that?”

“Yeah,” he said. “Why? Doesn’t it feel special to you?”

“It feels very special to me,” she said. “I’m just not used to hearing guys say things like that to me. I’m used to guys trying to get into my pants.”

“I’m not most guys,” he said.

“You’re definitely not most guys,” she said.

They kissed for a while longer. He was glad, because if he’d had to talk right then, not laughing would’ve been impossible.

When he was sure he’d composed himself he said, “I guess I also feel a little uncomfortable.”

“Uncomfortable about what?” she asked.

“Well, you’re living at home with your parents. I feel like I should meet them first before we… you know.”

That was the way- make out like he was too shy to say “have sex.” That was him all right, Shy Joh

Marissa moved her leg off of him and shifted away a little and suddenly seemed upset. Joh

“What’s wrong?” he asked.

“Nothing,” she said. “It’s not you, it’s just… I’m not sure that’s a good idea.”

Joh

“It’s just really complicated,” she said. “God, I wish I wasn’t living at home. It’s just so hard, especially with my father and his mood swings.”

“Mood swings?”

“Not ‘mood swings,’ mood swings. I mean, he’s not manic- depressive. But one day he’s aloof, in his own world, and the next day he wants to be this involved father. Suddenly he has all these rules- I can’t drink in the house, even a glass of wine, and he made me throw out my pot even though I barely smoked at home. Then I came home the other day from the museum and my freaking bong was gone- it was handmade, from Guatemala, and he threw it in the garbage. Oh, and I have to let him know when I’m coming home at night, the exact time, like I’m a teenager again. He knows I’m dating you, so the other night he made this big stink about how I can’t bring you up to my room and you can’t stay over or anything until he meets you.”

“So let me meet him,” Joh

She had that concerned look again. “There’s something I haven’t told you,” she said.

He thought, Uh- oh, VD. Not that this really bothered him. He’d had crabs before, and he’d knocked out a case of gonorrhea last year. VD was part of the job when you wanted to be the next Casanova.

“I mean, you probably heard about it on the news,” she continued,“but maybe you didn’t make the co

“It was?” Joh

“Yeah, it happened when we were all asleep in the middle of the night,” she said. “I heard the burglars in the house and woke up my parents, and then my father went and shot one of them.”

One of them, like he and Carlos had been what, two cockroaches? Isn’t that what people said when they were trying to squash bugs: I got one of them, but the other one got away?

“Oh, that’s right, yeah, yeah,” Joh

“I’ve been afraid to tell you,” Marissa said, suddenly talking faster, full of nervous energy. “I’ve been afraid that you’d, I don’t know, judge me. Maybe I was just being crazy- I do that sometimes, get all neurotic and paranoid, overthink everything- but that’s what I thought. It’s not true, right? You won’t hold it against me, will you?”

“Relax, baby,” Joh

He held her and kissed her for a while; then she said, “I’m still so pissed off at my father for doing what he did. It was so stupid, so totally thoughtless, and the thing is I don’t even think he feels guilty about it.”

“Really?” Joh

“Yeah, he’s been in this weird denial phase or something,” she said. “I mean, even the morning after, he was just going about his life, acting like nothing happened. You would think a psychologist would be more in touch with his feelings, but with him it’s the total opposite. I don’t think he has any idea how he’s feeling, ever.”

Joh

Well, you have something to worry about now, asshole.

“So you think what they were saying in the news was true?” Joh

“Between me and you,” Marissa said, “yes, I do. I think my dad just lost it, in that moment and wanted to shoot him. I don’t think he’s a crazy person- I mean, he’s not psychotic- but he holds stuff in, he’s wound up, you know? It was also the middle of the night, he was tired, so, yeah, maybe he wasn’t thinking rationally. He was angry that someone was in his house and he just went too far. He gets that way sometimes, does things without thinking.”

Joh

“That’s rough,” he said. “I’m sorry you had to go through all of that.”

“Yeah, I know, it was pretty scary and traumatic,” Marissa said. “But the most terrifying thing was there was somebody else in the house that night.”

“There was?” Joh

“Yeah, the cops think it was our maid. Did you hear about what happened to her?”

“No, I don’t think I… Wait, wait, I did hear something. She was hurt too, wasn’tshe?”

“She was killed, in her apartment.”

“Oh, man, that sucks,” Joh

“Yeah, it was incredibly sad,” she said, “but I don’t know, that just doesn’t make sense to me that our maid actually robbed our house. We were really, not like best friends, but really friendly, you know? Oh, and we got this note under our door, a kind of death threat.”

“Really? Who left it?”

“That’s the thing, nobody knows. My dad’s convinced it was a prank, but he’s constantly making up stories, trying to rationalize everything. He’s so screwed up, if you met him you’d never guess he was a psychologist. But maybe that’s the way it works- maybe if you want to cure people’s craziness, you have to be a little crazy yourself.”

Joh

Her face brightened, and she said, “You really mean that?”

“Of course,” he said. “You think I’d want to go out every day and every night with every girl I meet?”

Finally he’d said something that wasn’t a total lie.

She said, “You’re the most amazing guy I’ve ever met.”

He couldn’t argue with that.

The next morning, Marissa texted Joh

Joh

Id be honored This was it- the big night. He wanted to clean up his look a little, but not too much, so he trimmed his sideburns, but he left his hair long and wild and greasy. He chose his outfit carefully- black jeans, a black turtleneck, Doc Martens. He loved the idea of going in all black. He looked perfect for the occasion- like an artist but also like an assassin.