Beneath The Skin

“It still seems strange to me,” I said. “I get one letter and a policewoman stays with me for days and days. Do you do this every time anybody gets a threatening letter?”

Ly

“I’m just following routine,” she said.

“And if somebody came into the house to attack me, you’d protect me?” I said with a smile. “That’s the idea, is it?”

“Nothing like that will happen,” she said, and for a moment I hated Ly

“A migraine?” he said. “How do you know?”

“Because it feels like one. I’ve got to go and lie down.”

I did go and lie down again. I tried to remember everything I could from the previous few days, which I had taken so lightly. Every memory was like an object in a house that I was wandering around. I picked up the object and examined it and it looked different. Above all, I thought of Cameron. Cameron sitting in the corner looking at me, almost hungrily. Cameron taking my clothes off as if I were a precious beautiful object that might break. Cameron stroking me tenderly with infinite care and precision. Cameron with his head between my breasts. What was it he had said? I have to be honest with you, that was it. Honest.

In the evening I wandered out with Ly

When I woke I forgot my dreams instantly, as I always do. I forget them utterly, but I was also grateful to have forgotten them, as if a part of me knew what they had been and wanted them gone. The phone was ringing. I crawled out of bed and answered it. It was Cameron. He was whispering.

“I just grabbed a moment,” he said. “I miss you so much.”

“Good,” I said.

“I’m desperate to see you,” he hissed. “I can’t not be with you. I’ve arranged that I can get away in the late afternoon. Can I come and see you around four?”

“Oh, yes,” I said.

I spent the day in a sullen fog. Ly

“Oh Nadia,” he said.

I walked toward him. I had prepared myself for this moment for the whole day since I had talked to him on the phone. He reached his arms out toward me. I clenched my fist as hard as I could. When I was a foot away I looked him in the eyes and then, with all my strength, I punched him in the face.

TEN

He lifted his hands to his face. Was it in self-defense or to hit back? I stood with my chin up, almost daring him to strike. But then he lowered his hands and took a pace backward.

“What the fuck?” His voice wasn’t loud, but it was cold. His eyes were cold. His handsome face looked heavy and stupid and vicious. I saw with satisfaction that blood trickled down from his nostril, where my ring had nicked it.

“I know, Detective Inspector Stadler.”

“What?”

“I know everything.”

“What are you going on about?”

“Did it turn you on?”

“What?” he said again. “What?” He wiped the blood away from his nose and examined his fingers.

“It did, didn’t it? It turned you on, thinking that you were fucking a woman who was going to die.”

“You’re hysterical,” he said, voice flat with contempt.

I jabbed him in the chest with a forefinger.

“Je

His expression changed; the first glimmering of comprehension crept across his features.

“Nadia,” he said. He took a step toward me and put out his hand, as if I were a wild animal that needed coaxing. “Nadia, please.”

“Stay where you are, you… you.” I couldn’t find a word that was nasty enough. “What were you thinking? How could you do that to me? Did you think of me dead?”

His face shut down.

“We told you we were taking the threat seriously,” he said blankly.

“You fucking hypocrite. You were fucking me there, in the bathroom, and on the floor there in the living room, and in my bed.”

“I didn’t notice you resisting.”

I slapped him across the cheek. I wanted to hurt him, mutilate him, pulverize him.

“I can’t believe it,” I said. “I can’t believe I did that with you.” I looked at him, disgusted. “A married man who gets turned on by having sex with someone he’s supposed to be protecting.”

“We are protecting you.”

I shocked myself then by bursting into tears.

“Nadia.” His voice was soft, with a hint of triumph in it. “Darling Nadia, I’m sorry. I hated not telling you.”

I felt his hand on me and it made me jump.

“Fuck off,” I screamed through my tears. “I’m not fucking crying because of you. I’m scared, don’t you see? I’m so scared I feel like there’s a great hole in my chest.”

“Nadia.”

“Shut up.” I pulled a tissue out of my pocket and blew my nose. Then I looked at my watch. “Ly

“Wait,” he said. “I won’t touch you, I promise, but can I just say that what happened between us, it wasn’t, I mean it’s not, I wouldn’t want anyone…” He ground to a halt and looked at me with an expression that was both obsequious and resentful. He was scared of me now.

In the bathroom I washed my hands and face, and cleaned my teeth. There was a nasty taste in my mouth. I watched myself in the mirror. I didn’t look any different from usual. How was it possible that I looked the same? I smiled and my reflection smiled back happily.

The heat had gone out of my hatred. I felt cold and calm and ghastly. Cameron seemed dulled too. We sat across the table from each other, like indifferent strangers. It seemed impossible that a couple of days ago he was holding my head between his hands as if I were the most adored object in the world, feeling for me beneath my clothes. I shuddered at the memory.

“How did you find out?” he asked.

“North London’s a small place,” I said. “Especially rich north London. I met the na

He didn’t meet my eyes.

“Yes,” he said.