Kickback

'Well, I was that angry when I left the bank that I decided to go and see some of the people who had done a remortgage. I went back to the office and picked up the names and addresses and went over to Warrington. I went to four of the houses. Two of them were completely empty. And the other two had complete strangers living in them. But – and this is the really weird bit, Miss Bra

2

I took a deep breath. I have noticed that there are some people in this world who are congenitally incapable of telling a story that runs in a straight line from the begi

He nodded. That's right. They're just not there any more. And the people that are living in two of the houses swear blind there's never been a conservatory there, not since they moved in a few months ago. The whole thing's a complete mystery to me. That's why I thought you might be able to help.' If Shelley had been in the room, she'd have rolled over on her back at the look of trusting supplication on Ted Barlow's face.

As it was, I was hooked. It's not often I get a client with a genuine mystery to solve. And this gave me the added bonus of getting my own back on Ms Supercool. Watching Shelley jumping through hoops for Ted Barlow was going to be the best cabaret in town.

I leaned back in my chair. 'OK, Ted. We'll take a look at it. On one condition. I'm afraid that, since the bank's stopped your line of credit, I'm going to have to ask you for a cash retainer.'

He'd been one step ahead of me. 'Will a grand do?' he asked, pulling a thick envelope from his inside pocket.

It was my turn to nod helplessly. 'I thought you'd want cash,' he went on. 'Us builders can always lay hands on a few bob in readies when we have to. Rainy day money. That way, you always make sure the important people get paid.' He handed the envelope over. 'Go ahead, count it, I won't be offended,' he added.

I did as he said. It was all there, in used twenties. I pressed the intercom. 'Shelley? Can you give Mr. Barlow a receipt for one thousand pounds cash on his way out? Thanks.' I got to my feet. 'I've got one or two things to sort out here, Ted, but I'd like to meet you later this afternoon at your office. Four o'clock OK?'

That's great. Shall I leave the directions with your secretary?' He sounded almost eager. This could get to be a lot of fun, I thought to myself as I showed Ted out. He headed for Shelley's desk like a homing pigeon.

Much as I'd taken to Ted, I learned very early on in this game that liking someone is no guarantee of their honesty. So I picked up the phone and rang Mark Buckland at SecureSure. His secretary didn't mess me about with tales of fictitious meetings since Mark's always pleased to hear from Mortensen and Bra

'Hi Kate!' he greeted me, his voice charged with its normal overdose of enthusiasm. 'Now, don't tell me, let me guess. Ted Barlow, am I right?'

'You're right.'

'I'm glad he took my advice, Kate. The guy is in deep shit, and he doesn't deserve it.' Mark sounded sincere. But then, he always does. That's the main reason he can afford to drive around in seventy grand's worth of Mercedes coupe.

"That's what I was ringing you about. No disrespect, but I need to check out that the guy's kosher. I don't want to find myself three days down the road with this and some bank clerk giving me the hard word because our Mr… Barlow's got a track record with more twists and turns than a sheep track,' I said.

'He's kosher all right, Kate. The guy is completely straight. He's the kind that gets into trouble because he's too honest, if you know what I mean.'

'Oh, come on, Mark. It's me you're talking to. The guy's a builder, for Christ's sake. He can lay his hands on a grand in cash, just like that. That's not straight, not in the normal definition of the word,' I protested.

'OK, so maybe the taxman doesn't know about every shilling he makes. But that doesn't make you a bad person, now does it, Kate?'

'So give me the truth, not the advertising copy.'

Mark sighed. 'You're a hard woman, Bra

In spite of my natural scepticism, I was impressed. Whatever was going on with Ted Barlow's conservatories, it looked like it wasn't the man himself who was up to something. 'What about his competitors? Would they be looking to put the shaft in?' I asked.

'Hmm,' Mark mused. I wouldn't have thought so. He's not serious enough to be a worry to any of the really big-time boys. He's strictly small, reputable and local. Whatever's going down here needs someone like you to sort it out. And if you do clear it up, because he's such a good friend, I'll even waive my ten per cent commission for sending him to you!'

“If I wasn't a lady, I'd tell you to go fuck yourself, Buckland. Ten per cent!' I snorted. 'Just for that, I'm putting the lunch invitation on hold. Thanks for the backgrounder, anyway. I'll do my best for Ted.”

Thanks, Kate. You won't be sorry. You sort him out, he'll be your friend for life. Pity you've already got a conservatory, eh?' He was gone before I could get on my high horse. Just as well, really. It took me a good thirty seconds to realize he'd been at the wind-up and I'd fallen for it.

I wandered through to the outer office to give Shelley the new-client form and the cash, for banking. To my surprise, Ted Barlow was still there, standing awkwardly in front of Shelley's desk like a kid who's hung behind after class to talk to the teacher he has a crush on. As I entered, Shelley looked flustered and quickly said, 'I'm sure Kate will have no trouble following these directions, Mr… Barlow.'

'Right, well, I'll be off then. I'll be seeing you later, Miss Bra

'Kate,' I corrected automatically. Miss Bra

'Kate,' he acknowledged nervously. Thank you very much, both of you.' He backed through the door. Shelley was head down, fingers flying over the keyboard before the door was even halfway closed.

'Amazing how long it takes to give a set of directions,' I said sweetly, dropping the form in her in-tray.