The Brentford Chainstore Massacre

“Oh,” said Jim. “So what then?”

“Would you like to come and live at my flat?”

Jim chewed upon his lip. “Well,” said he.

Suzy shook her head once more. “No, you wouldn’t. I know you wouldn’t. And I wouldn’t want to live at your house either. But what we have is so special, so absolutely special, that one day, one day when everything is right, when everything is resolved, we will be together, won’t we?”

“Yes.” Jim smiled. “I know we will.”

“Good. Then you can kiss me if you want.” Jim took the beautiful woman in his arms and kissed her.

“All is perfect,” he said. “All will be perfect. After all this, all we’ve been through, how could it ever end up anything but perfect?”

“Neville?” John Omally stared at the part-time barman. “Neville, what colour was the cap you just flipped from my bottle?”

Neville picked the cap up from the counter. “Green,” he said.

“Green?”

“Yeah, well, I thought I’d run out. Luckily I found two bottles left in my fridge. You’ve got one and Jim there’s got the other. It doesn’t matter really that they’re a couple of weeks out of date, does it?”

Omally held his bottle in a quivering hand. “Nobody move,” he said.

But it really would be mean to leave it there like that, wouldn’t it? And so, of course, the beer did not explode. The sun rose over Brentford and a new dawn began. Though subtle at first, the spirit moved across the face of the Earth, across its people, touching them as gently, gently, the wheel began to turn, the holy mandala, returning mankind to THE BIG IDEA.

And Jim and Suzy stood upon the canal bridge watching the new sun rise above the windscreen wiper works and Jim took Suzy once more in his arms.

“I love you, Suzy,” said Jim.

“I love you too, Jim,” she replied.

Robert Rankin

Robert Fleming Rankin (born July 27, 1949) is a prolific British humorous novelist. Born in Parsons Green, London, he started writing in the late 1970s, and first entered the bestsellers lists with Snuff Fiction in 1999. His books are a unique mix of science fiction, fantasy, the occult, urban legends, ru