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I leaned my forehead against the cold window glass. I was drunk.
"And now?" I said.
"And now," Paul said, "you've fucked it up. You love Susan and you love me."
I nodded with my forehead still against the window. "And the Tightness of myself is no longer enough."
"Yes," Paul said. He took a large swallow of whiskey. "You were complete, and now you're not. It makes you doubt yourself. It makes you wonder if you were ever right. You've operated on instinct and the conviction that your instincts would be right. But if you were wrong, maybe your instincts were wrong. It's not just missing Susan that's busting your chops."
" 'Margaret, are you grieving,' " I said, " 'over Golden-grove unleaving?' "
"Who's that?" Paul said.
" Hopkins," I said. "Gerard Manley Hopkins."
"There's a better one from The Great Gatsby," Paul said. "The part just before he's shot, about losing the old warm world…"
" 'Paid a high price for living too long with a single dream,' " I said.
"That's the one," Paul said.
Chapter 14
It was the Monday after Thanksgiving, Paul was back at Sarah Lawrence College. I was back in my one-room office with a view of the art director on the corner of Berkeley and Boylston. It was 9:15 a.m. and I was reading the Globe and drinking some coffee. Today was the day I would have only two cups. I drank the last of the first one when my office door opened and Vi
Vi
"Vi
Vi
"You got any coffee?" Vi
"Nope, just finished a cup I brought with me."
Vi
"Hey, Vi
Vi
"Two black," Ed said.
"Large," I said.
"Two large," Vi
Ed nodded and went out.
"Slipping punches wasn't his long suit," I said. "You still with Broz?"
Vi
"Joe send you over?" I said.
Vi
I leaned back in my chair and waited.
"You been in Springfield?" Vi
I nodded.
"You been making a pain in the balls of yourself in Springfield?"
"It's the least I can do," I said. "Spread it around."
Vi
"No."
"It's one of the reasons I like you, Spenser. I can always count on you to be a hard-on. Really consistent, you know. A hard-on every time."
"Well, if I ever fail you, Vi
Vi
Ed came back in with the coffee in a paper sack. He'd bought one for himself. I wondered if that was considered exceeding orders. Rebellious bastard.
"Thanks, Ed," I said when he put mine on the desk. I took the cover off and put it into the wastebasket, then I reached over and took Vi
Ed tore a little half circle out of the cover of his coffee. He put the torn-out piece back into the empty bag and put the bag on the corner of my desk. I took it and put it into the trash. Neat work space, orderly mind. I drank the second sip of my last cup of the day. Ed slurped some of his coffee through the hole he'd torn in the cover.
Vi
"I wanted to see if he was co
"And?"
I shrugged. "And he is. He jumped up and lapped my face when I mentioned your name. Offered me some fruit." I sipped more coffee and smiled at him. "And here you are."
"You know more than that," Vi
"Yes," I said. "I do know that."
"So, what do you make of it?"
"You wanted Alexander's attention," I said. "You wanted to remind him of the kind of folks he was dealing with. So you had Louis hire a couple of local biceps to lean on anyone at all in Alexander's campaign. Couple of college kids were easy, and the two stiffs went for them."
Vi
Ed turned and went out and closed the door behind him. Vi
"What do you figure we want from Alexander?" he said. His voice was soft. Ed couldn't hear it if his ear were flat to the door.
"I figure you want him to lose."
"Because?"
"Because you have a piece of Robert Browne and you and Joe like only sure things."
Vi
"You're still good," Vi
"Kind of you to say, Vi
"How'd you make the co
"Saw you in the background of a Browne campaign picture."
"What made you look?" Vi
"Somebody interferes with Alexander's campaign," I said. "Browne's a logical suspect. I just started looking at everything I could find on him."
Vi
Vi
I waited. Vi
"Okay," Vi
I smiled.
"You know we got the films of Mrs. Alexander."
I smiled again.
"Alexander told you, and sicked you onto it. You came back from Springfield and did your research because you figured it was Browne okay, but not because of the small scuffle we organized. Because of the films. He show you the films?"
I smiled.
"Get a look if you can. Broad's really something-got an excellent-looking bush. Anyway, you did your research, saw that picture, went out to Springfield, and did what you did."
I drank the last of the coffee. Half each time was only a theory. Like a tree falling soundlessly in the woods.
"It was a mistake," Vi
"If you drink too much coffee, doesn't it bother you?" I said.
"No, drink it all day. Doesn't do a thing. You want Ed to get some more?"